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My first on SF

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lostgirl, Sep 28, 2009.

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  1. lostgirl

    lostgirl Member

    Well where to start, Im 17 and since I can remember I have completely hated myself. I have never been the 'skinny girl', Its always been drummed into my head, when I was 12 my mum put me on a diet to fit into a bridesmaid dress for my auntie's wedding. I think thats where it mainly started. Ever since then I have been obsessed, I completely repulse myself. About a year ago it got really bad and I only ate about 300 calories a day and took appitite suppressents and lost around a stone in the space of 2 weeks, i even went to parties so I would get drunk and throw up my food. It even got so bad that I started to SH. Ever since then I have been fluctuating, gaining weight and loseing it over and over again. I have relapsed on the SH and have started taking appitite suppressants again. I look around me everyday and just wish so much that I looked like some of the girls, it gets so bad that I have skipped college so that I dont have to be seen by people as the paranoia that they are looking at me gets really bad. Its horrible, the only person I have told so far is my BF and I wont let him touch me and when he does sometimes I cry because I feel so shit. he tries to tell me that im fine its like my head wont accept it. Sometimes I just think it would be easier if I just wasn't here. Im sorry if anyone has read this and thought i have been attention seeking, I just really needed to get it out and talk to someone....:unsure:
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi, welcome to SF. Keep coming back it will help.

    Have you seen a doctor?
  3. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member


    Eating without emotions is hard.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Eating disorders are hard to manage I think if you can get a dietitian to council you in your eating habits this will help. Do you have a therapist that can help you maybe talk with you parents to see if they can get you some councilling.
    I am glad you posted as alot can relate and maybe you can get some support from them
  5. AnonymousOne

    AnonymousOne Member

    You don't sound like you're just looking for attention. It really sounds like you're going through hell. I'm really sorry.

    If you need to talk, I'm always here.
  6. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Hating yourself sucks, I'm 19 years old, and I've been in your shoes. The biggest thing though, is with the boyfriend.

    If you really think deep into things, if you hate yourself, having a relationship is pretty hard. You'll call yourself fat and ugly when your boyfriend probably thinks your damn sexy, hell, that's part of the reason he's your boyfriend...right?

    I've been from 220 pounds all the way down to 130. May not sound too low, but for my body type, it looked pretty sickly. Doesnt matter what weight I am, I feel like the same big giant sack of fat...

    The best thing that has worked for me is, thinking healthy. If you eat healthy, moderately... you will feel good inside.

    Every now and then I'll have my spills, eat tooo much for a period of time, or... not eat at all.

    But, the best thing to do is, is focus on equality. If you don't eat on purpose, that only makes you feel shitty. Also, working out makes me feel like a god sometimes... After a while, you want some one to touch you, so they can see how hard you've been working on making yourself look fit.

    In order to feel good about yourself, you have to feel that what your doing to yourself is right.

    It's extremely hard to get out of the 'i feel like a cow' mindset all the time, but if you start putting on lean muscle, wearing clothes that fit you well, putting some make up on every now and then, hell, if you don't know how, go on youtube, they have great tutorials on how to put it on and look really good without looking like a trash bag. lol

    I hope that you figure out, that the way you look is in your hands, what you eat and how you treat yourself can change that feeling.

    may sound simple, but it took me a while to apply it to myself.
  7. Zoe

    Zoe Well-Known Member

    I hope you won't mind me talking out of turn about your Mum, but her putting you on a diet when you were 12 was a very bad (stupid) thing to do.

    She taught you that your self-worth as an individual is tied up in how you look at a crucial time when your views about yourself and the world were being shaped.

    My Mum did similar, it's short-sighted and irresponsible.

    I think when a mother does this it can make you think 'if my own mother doesn't accept me for who I am, why should I, or the rest of the world?'.

    The situation you find yourself in is not your fault, to end up with depression and an eating disorder is a common consequence, sadly.

    You were unlucky in that you'd been set off on a rocky path. This acceptance can be a motivator for beginning to look after yourself and develop your self esteem.

    I feel for the cycle you're stuck in, it's difficult. Don't feel you're attention-seeking for asking for support, it's what these places are here for.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2009
  8. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    Needing to vent doesn't make you attention seeking. Pretty much everyone here understands what you're going through. It's really hard when a parent is the one who puts you on a diet to begin with. It really messes with your head. Sometimes I feel like if insecure parents didn't push their habits on kids, a lot of kids wouldn't have eating disorders. But I guess I'm biased. Regardless, it's hard. No one is denying that. Some people don't even realize how hard. Try and stay strong, and know that you can always vent on here. No one will judge you or think you're looking for attention.
  9. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you are going through, I've been through the same and still struggeling every day with this disease. You are not alone, even if it feels like that.

    There is help out there... The first step, seeking it, is the hardest but it will be worth it in all ways!
    I'm glad you've found SF, you can get a lot of support here. Hugs!
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