I am not a depressed or suicidal person. I don't have to be. I have the potential to be really happy. In fact, in these past few months, I have taken real steps (perhaps not approved by my friends and family) to do things that are positive for me. Some of them are off the beaten path but I was DOING things and I had HOPE. My mom is a clinically depressed train wreck and gets on the phone with me and laments how I'm depressed and suicidal and my life sucks, and I'm in crisis, and there's something wrong with me for wanting to do all these stupid and dangerous things. She says that nobody is really happy and I shouldn't expect too much. Talking with her feels like toxic waste. I have been moping around all day. In the past years, I have been feeling suicidal many times. I have stared at my wrists and just KNOWN that I wanted things over. It was a matter of when. I knew the world wasn't something I wanted to be part of. And in the past weeks and month, maybe, I've begun to hope. I don't give a f*ck what it takes. What medicines, what actions. How much of my own money. What risks. I have been determined to be really effing happy. Then I talk to my mom and she knocks me down. I want to live my own life. I am single. I have been lonely for a long time. I want to travel to other countries and just swim in the beach. I want to try different drugs that won't kill me, but that tribes in Africa have used for years. I want to just be myself and do what inspires me. Thank god I am lucky enough to have the opportunity, here in America. And I talk with my family and they say I can't travel b/c I might die. I can't do drugs because am I an idiot? They put this huge weight on my shoulders like I have to do only a constrained set of things otherwise if anything happens to me, I will ruin their lives. What they don't realize is that for me, this is my chance at happiness. I'm taking some risks but I'm not killing myself. I need a little death. I want to start over and reset. I f*cking hate them so much. I feel so full of hatred. And today I've been moping around. I know I need to get up and turn this ship around. I have to keep moving forward. I had a plan for myself and I am determined to not let these toxic people get me down. I'm sort of drowning, though. I took opiate painkillers tonight b/c I don't want to feel pain. I've had enough pain. Life is so crazy. A lot of it doesn't make sense. I'm just going to deal with one day at a time and keep trying to pull out of here. I am at the suicide forum b/c I wish I could kill myself, a lot of times. I wish my life were my own so I could do that. But I'm neither happy nor free to die. Anyway that's about it.