my first post

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by craig85, Nov 16, 2014.

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  1. craig85

    craig85 New Member

    Hi all, Im new to this forum and this is my first post. I read through some of the old threads last night and found some comfort from not feeling alone. At the moment my thoughts of suicide are with my daily and seem to be trigered by worrying about work, my finances which is related by my drinking problem. Ive been like this for nearly 15 years and I dont know how much more I can take. Ive taken action with my drinking and have reffered my self for treatment. How do I stay strong and sober when miserable when stress makes me crave a drink. Its like all I want to do is escape. I want to escape myself through drink and then rather than face the consequences I want to kill myself to escape. So after a binge I lay in bed thinking of ending my life and how I would do it. But Im always put off by the fear of what it would mean to my loved ones and the pain of actually going through with it. I feel like a total coward. But anyway, there we are, thats my cycle. Any advice on how to get out of it is welcome. I just want to be free of the part of me that creates such negativity and enjoy my life.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Many people who join this forum go through a vicious circle of emotion like you. YOU ARE IMPORTANT and remember you are not the only one suffering. You drinking habit does not help you which I sympathise and in no way criticising. It's your method of coping with the stress of live. You need to remain calm and look after yourself now. The only way to break this cycle by referring for treatment again. I only suggesting this in a kind way. You are important to me. Keep posting here for support you truly deserve.
  3. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    In the book "Your Soul's Gift" from Robert Schwartz there is a chapter on alcoholism, about a man who was an alcoholist for 40 years and was suicidal, wanting to leave his life, and how he went through all this suffering and his now free and happy, with healthy relationships with his children. I strongly recommend you read this case, for it has plenty ressemblences to your story. There are also a chapter on suicide and cocaine addiction. It's a spiritual book, I hope it will help you though.

    The way I dealt with my negative behavior patterns was this: I asked myself: "What do I really want? What is most important to me?" And than choosing that again and again and again, allowing myself to fall back into old patterns, but always just breathing to 10 times first before conceding. Eventually I gravitated to a better place.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi craig85 good for you hun reaching out and getting treatment to help you stop the drinking I hope this treatment gives you a plan on what to do when the urges come back How to replace the old coping skill with a new one One that will help you not harm you
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Craig85, its absolutely fantastic that you are seeking treatment for your drinking. That is an important first step. Most treatments include support from people who have been exactly where you are now. I know my brother's did. He succeeded and it totally transformed his life. So you are moving in the right direction and need to congratulate yourself for taking this step. Meanwhile, you have landed in a good spot. This is an amazingly supportive group of people. Both on the forum and in chat.
  6. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    Most people want to escape the monotany of their everyday life; that's why they're all doing the National Lottery / Euromillions.

    Except the escape never comes so they resort to other means; alcohol being the most common.

    Don't feel bad just because you've identified that there's a part of you that wants the suffering to be over; draw positives from it.
  7. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Hi Craig85,
    I'm not religious but there's a phrase in the Bible, a Greek proverb, I think it's from the conversion of Saint Paul, 'kicking against the pricks'.
    Whenever I get in one of these cycles you talk about I think of that phrase and tell myself- you're kicking against the pricks again; it always makes me smile and helps me unravel what's going on.
    All my life I have wanted life to be better than it is some way or other, idealism or disappointment or something, and sometimes I tie myself in knots because life truly can be awful at times.
    Just when I think peace has arrived something else bad has happened, and it's been like that for a long time, most of my life.
    I can't kill myself because I have an adult son who would be left alone in the world, so I don't think about that as an escape any more, my love and responsibility to my child is more important to me.
    When he started to develop depression in his teens I started working on mine, because I needed to show him that people do get through their bad times, do cope with negative emotions.
    He doesn't need me so much these days so I channel that into some volunteer work that is important to me.
    Instead of wasting my energy hating the evil greedy people and corrupt politics of the world or resenting people who have taken advantage of me personally ( for example ) I can find tiny positives like today helping a young man whose parents continuously let him down. He's 11 and has the cares of the world on his shoulders, when I hear him talk and he's so worried about all these adults who should be protecting and shielding him from worry, well it puts my worries into perspective that's for sure.
    He asked me today- do you still worry? ( to him I am ancient! )

    Everyone does to some extent, I told him, but life gets easier the more experience you have and the more things you've coped with before.

    You seem to know what you need to do- manage finances, not lean on alcohol etc.

    I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect, there's a lot against us. But don't be tempted into eternal slavery by 'kicking against the pricks'. The more you rail the more it hurts and disappoints. Preserve your integrity, find your way.

    It's really easy to stop being an alcoholic- just don't buy/consume alcohol.

    It's a lot harder to stop being depressive or suicidal, and the hardest thing of all- to stop being angry and accept the things which can't be changed.
  8. craig85

    craig85 New Member

    Hi all,

    First of all, thank you so much for all you kind words and speedy responses. It's a weight off my shoulders already knowing that I am not alone and that support is truly out there :) I really hope that treatment will effect the change in me which I so desire. In the meantime I am going to continue posting on here. Maybe it will help me too to stop kicking against the pricks, makes me laught this cause the more I think about it the more I can identify with it, it's the story of my flipping life. There were also some other useful advice I will be taking on board and am going to look up that book recomendation. I've been pondering the concept of religion recently. Im not religious in the slightest. I want to believe in god and can see certain advantages of being a part if a religious community. However my logical brain wont allow me to surrender to any religious dogma and the more I look into it the more I m convinced I am right just being me. Maybe all I need is to be part of a supportive community and to be more in touch with my spirituality rather than a particular religion. Guess that time will tell on that front. I know therse is some group work involved in my treatment maybe this will provide some of the answeres I am looking for. I have mentioned the treatment to my girlfreind but I dare not admit to being an alcoholic. I think this too is partnof the problem. I hope that I can work things out and extract the positives from my situation. Right now I am worried about my abscences from work and there potential consequences. I have an abscence management meeting coming up and if they figure out that all my excuses were just that and not genuine reasons then I face diciplinary action. Last year I was demoted for turning into work in an unfit state. Back then I had a worse addiction problem cause I was using drugs like cocaine as well. It brought me to a turning point and I have not used since but I am conserned about how long this will last as my level of drinking and risk taking behaviour is increasing. I guess thats all again for now. Thanks again for letting me share that with you.
  9. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    It's about finding what works for you.

    I get very agitated in religious communities, I just don't have the right personality to deal with the setting, I take it all too seriously! If you're in America they're very expensive too, always asking for money. But again and again people will advise me that I need to go to church, and I've tried- now I know it's not for me.

    Walking, swimming, nature and music all help me, and I try to live a simple stress-free life as much as possible. Eating properly and taking vitamins helps.

    Good luck with your job meeting, take care.
  10. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Sorry, I meant the book "Your Soul's Plan", not "Your Soul 's Gift", they're both by Robert Schwartz though. The first one has two chapters on drug addiction and substance abuse, the second one has a chapter on suicide.
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