My first suicide dream.

Discussion in 'Midnight Owl' started by Iatethehorseyourodeinon, Sep 30, 2012.

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  1. As a budding psychologist, dream analysis facinates me - the window into our subconscious is a powerful tool for examining ourselves and I worry the state of mine is a poor reflection of my worsening mental health.

    My dream starts at a festival, a personal excuse of mine for spending an entire weekend in a safe environment for being as completely out of my mind on drugs and alcohol, without a single person turning a blind eye. An equally troubled friend of mine and I feindishly tuck into an array of drugs and alcohol and jump into my car and begin to drive. At first I am in complete control of the vehicle but I start to lose it on a corner and as much as I try to resist the car flies into a telegraph pole. I stagger out of the car and make sure my friend is ok, i tell him to run as the car may explode. The realisation of what ive done seeps in and i panic, the ramifications for my family would be huge and my thoughts turn instantly to ending it all. The fuel cap is open so I build up the courage to take a lighter to it and press my head to the tank but it does not explode, there is a safety mechanism stopping it. My panic and anguish rise through the roof, and just as it gets to much i turn to see a car speeding along the road, without a thought i run and hurl myself into the car. My body is catapulted to the side of the road, a lay in the dark and let the warm embrace of death sweep my thoughts away and carry me into the darkness, I beg for it to take me and it all fades to black.

    I awoke with a shock, slowly understanding what the dream was about. My last 2 years of life have been a slow but steady decent into a self destructive spiral of drugs and alcohol. Ive also just started university, a huge gift from my parents that carries an overwhelming sense of expectation and hopes but also a place of complete independence where Im suddenly free to destroy myself as much as I wish. The drinking and drugs in this dream represent that spiral, and the car a gift given to me by my parents with great responsibility represents my degree. If I am unable to beat my depression and my self destructive spiral, I will crash and burn. And that shame that follows can only lead to my suicide. I want to prove myself worthy, but this affliction is one that weighs so very heavy on my soul. Im depressed to the core, entirely lacking purpose, meaning, drive. Im desperately lonely and tired of trying, with suicidal thoughts becoming more frequent by the day.

    Thank you for listening, from your comrade in crisis.
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    have you ever thought that it could mean something else? that maybe you're trying to get that car too hard and that it's not meant for you? maybe you need to go toward the unknown to find yourself and become a new you? just a thought
  3. Some days I wanna just fall asleep at night and be drugged, and not wake up the next morning
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