My first thread...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by steph, Nov 21, 2010.

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  1. steph

    steph Member

    this forum is great I never knew it existed until right now. I need help managing my low and suicidal thoughts. I have a history of depression, going back to when I was around 13 when I took my first overdose (a very poor attempt) and was perscribed prozac and started to see a psychotherapist. things did get better for me, but the last year has been hell. Im 22 now, married with one daughter. I started to feel misrable with my life and ruined things even more by having a fling with somebody I dont even care about, This started a string of suicidal attempts, first was more like a cry for help and 2nd times I really wanted to just get it all over with and die. Each time I tried to overdose, last time I took a mix of around 50 paracetamol and ibuprophen and 70-80 prozac. I woke getting into an abulance as I had had a seizure resulting. It was very frightening for me. And embarasing to say the least. At the time the plan is to not wake up. I spent the night in hospital being probed at all night to see how I was, and I just feel like the biggst dissapointment to my daughter and myself. I dont know how to control these impulsive feelings, and I dont have anybody I think who understands the train of thought and desperation I feel. I keep everything bottled inside, and spend many days crying to myself because Im consumed with thoughts of wanting to be dead. Ive even sat andd begged god to spare someone else of a horrible disease and give it to me. I know I DONT WANT these thoughts, I want to be here for my daughter and raise her properly like I should do, but I just struggle to think straight, I really dont know where to turn with anything anymore, my life is so crazy right now :sigh:
     
  2. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    hey welcome,

    it sounds like a lots going on right now, and i can relate to some of it. it sounds like you need a change in meds, id say talk to someone about that. if you were good for a while then it kinda stopped working (?), then maybe it just needs to be adjusted. im glad you want the thoughts and everything to stop.

    maybe keep posting here too, youll get a lot of support.
     
  3. steph

    steph Member

    thank you for your quick reply. I stopped taking prozac when I was probably 15, then started to take them again last summer after my first attempt, I stopped taking them again in Aug/Sept as I really hate the thought of being on medication my whole life, I feel like Im failing, but maybe Im making it harder for myself by not taking them. I feel like alot of the time Im not depressed, like why would I be I have everything mapped out for me, but then I do still feel like this, I think I will really apprecaite the advice from this forum as it is advice from people who can understand i guess
    steph
     
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    i understand the whole i dont want to be on medication my whole life thing, im pretty much the same way. i know its not the same but, a comparision ive been given is that, if you had a different disease, and you needed to take medication for it every day, you would. like if you had diabetes and had to take insulin you would. depression is the same thing, i know its hard to accept, hell im still working on it, but it is true. if it helps, then it helps. you dont want to risk having an extreme low, even if it means takign them for the rest of your life.
     
  5. steph

    steph Member

    you are right, I think I will see my GP tomorrow and explain how Im feeling, Life is way too short to be wanting to cut years off of it. I feel like waking up my daughter just to squeeze and hug her, I love the love she gives my shes so young and naive and just gives my butterflys, i wish i had 10 of her haha xx
     
  6. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Welcome, hang around, sometimes looking at others and listening can bring some answers to your questions.
    Be strong for your daughter and for yourself, you are worth it just as she is. Regards Pete
     
  7. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Hope you get on ok at the docs tomorrow maybe you need some counselling as well as medication to try and sort things out in your mind. I can understand you not wanting to be on medication all your life but if the medication helps with things surely its better to be on the medication than trying to cope without anything :hug:
     
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i feel the same way about medication but i accept that i have a lifelong illness (bipolar). are you sure you're on the right meds? i've had to switch quite a bit over the years, as recently as a month ago. do you have other supports, like a therapist? it can really help to have someone to open up with in real life. you're worth it.
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    wanted to add i'm pretty impulsive in my suicide attempts, too. that's why i don't keep extra medication around. i get my prescriptions filled weekly so there's only a small amount on hand. it helps.
     
  10. steph

    steph Member

    Thank you for the extra replies. I am currently waiting to see a therapist again. I saw one last sept-nov 2009 and felt great, then obviously those happy feelings dissapeared. Ive been looked around this forum, and found an article on emotional absuse, and Im sad to see that most of it is how Im treating my husband? On the surface he is a good husband, he works 2 jobs, looks after our home, cooks and cleans, manages still to take me out once a week, but for some reason I use emotion to control him. I actually just want a balanced relationshp with him, I dont like to be in control and of course I want him to be happy, but I feel like Im driving him away just to bring him back. Ive made an appointment with a doctor today, I think I need medication to calm me down as opposed to "pick me up" I am so highly strung and its getting in the way of my life.
     
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