my first time ive been totally open in my life about my problems

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Long2beFree, Jul 23, 2011.

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  1. Long2beFree

    Long2beFree Member

    Ive never been a open person in my life so here and now im writing everything down perhaps some good will come of it and some might say well i could have it alot worse, no one knows how i feel or would care no one can help me either or atleast i think but i feel the need to share my story to someone...

    Starting from age 12 i can honestly say i got beat up by my father every day well if i had 20 days not in a year id be pretty close

    At age 15 my parents divorced, fought over custody for me and my lil but so much stronger brother, result was i had to go with dad bro stayed with mom

    So the beating continued, during those years of abuse i got stronger long knowing one day would come...when it did he hit me again it did not hurt anymore respect or fear were gone revenge was all that was left,he got a good beating ran to the police
    The next day he came with police and a counceler to the house

    Suggesting id get into a program that would allow me to live alone independantly at age 16 after doing a 3month education didnt really have a choice... i went for it

    As i still went to school i got like a free income of 550euro that i had to use to pay housing bills school everything i soon found out it was impossible so started looking for easy money cos i couldnt work i was going to school

    i started selling illigal substences eventually got busted and there whent my education down the drain

    when i came out of prison for minors i had nothing so guess what happend..yes i started again this time but no school i started to work in a restaurant, the next 3to 4 years were verry dangerous and violent.

    one night 3 people broke into my house looking for money i guess and started beating me up i got beat up stamped on for more then one houre after that one pulled a knife two objected and whent...but he stayed and stabbed me.

    call it luck or not i lived 250 meters from a hospital the next day i woke up and a dozen of my current friends were standing or sitting in my room with 2 police officers i said how? we followed the bloodtrail

    i knew this life would get me killed and at that time i had desire to live and prosper.
    So i left town never to come back and started a new life took some schooling got3 degrees now electrotechnician that i started in school and also butcher and chef-kok,last one is my real passion and i was darn good at it not 20 years old yet and 4 people under me i say what needs to be done when it needs to be done i spend the bosses money on goods transform it and make him so rich he cant stand but give me a raise cos hes never done better before...im telling you if its done with true passion u will ace it every day

    i started to feel like something was wrong with me whent to doctors and specialists. It turned out i had two genetic muscles deseases tompsons and steinerd that were dorment but came active...as time passed they got worse and eventually i had to quit my passion cos of the long hours,so started to work in a butchery as butcher for 40u a week still 2k a month cant compare it to before but still nice

    After 2 years i had to quit it this time not for the long hours but cos of my strenght the muscle desease started to affect my strenght, a half a pig is round 55k so 110 pounds and a half a cow comes in parts but the heaviest is round 100kg so 200 pounds

    started to work in retail that i had to give up a year later, work was my life

    now im sitting at home for a year now almost on disability takes a year here
    As chefkok i had round 3.5k with bonusses
    As butcher 2k
    in retail 1.4k
    now 1k

    these days i have serious pain the moment i get up out of bed one global pain and then extreme pains from time to time in random parts of my body

    countless times i whent to doctors begging for help but there is no help or atleast what ive been getting so far doesnt even releave me for 20% one time i had a med that accually killed it almost, it was called valtran unfortunately my muscles just ended up being paralized temporeraly, verry scary i can tell you

    So i lost MY HEALTH with that MY WORK with that MY PASSION and MY INCOME that way i lost MY SOCIAL HABBITS and MY FRIENDS and most of all CHANCE TO GET A GOOD LIFE WITH A GF

    Now i dont know what u think but no matter what anyone says TO ME

    the most important thing in life is the quality of life itself ....and that is going downwards for me with no chance of getting better

    The second most important thing in life to me is...

    Dieing with the feeling " i had a overall seen good life"...and that aint the fact now but it can only get worse as i see it

    so either i die young or i die old suffering for 30 more years.../cry its a hard choice to make and even harder when u choose not to live cos u need to find a way to end youre life that you can handle cos im a wimp when it comes to it
    During the last 6 years im having suicide tendencies on and off till i realised theres no way i could ever kill myself...untill a few nights ago it came to me,stopped eating 4days far and seriously not planning to give up when i kill myself i wont be coming back like alot do.

    i just cant handle this fysical pain with all the burdens i carry alrdy and cos of my desease

    i got no one to talk to ,no shoulder to cry on or hug to take

    Atleast ive been able to share my story to other so if youre reading this ty for taking an interest
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2011
  2. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    I do not really know what to say,
    there are millions of things to do, you will find something you enjoy and that will fit your abilities if you keep searching,
     
  3. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    I agree with what Joe said, Long2, look at all of the things you've overcome. When the chips have been down, you've accomplished great things.

    There are so many great things that you will accomplish in the future. I can tell you are going to make lemonade with the lemons.
     
  4. Long2beFree

    Long2beFree Member

    ty Joe and Ron

    Joe

    I know my mom tells me its time to accept my condition and start to rebuild but i cant seem to find the strenght, i havent come out my door from the last 4 months just for food or smokes cos of pain or cos ive build up associal behaviour and now that i live a good life i dont feel safe when i go out i guess it has to do with my past, cos im not that fearless guy i used to be thank god.

    Ron

    Its nice to hear that Ron, ive fought and fought and round at 19years old when i changed my life i told myself lets be realistic i wont change my entire self in a year so i said lets try for 10 thinking well i "took" alot of drugs if i get to 60 ill be lucky so 10 years then ill be 30 and have a good life at 29 like said i started to get real health probs.
    Its just what have i been fighting for all these years?




    What is the meaning of life if not to enjoy life itself that is kinda hard when bridges u build fall in faster then u can rebuild em

    today i went to moms house but she wasnt there just bro was so i called her and told her i love her she said the same i said i know, cos i know she feels guilty from what my dad did but she shouldnt cos people are stupid we make more mistakes then we do good i know myself you never need to blaim someone for doing bad

    she asked my if everything was alright,i thought about telling that i really need someone to stop me from starving myself and get professional help pref fulltime ...but i said yes everything is ok mom just wanted to see you again,thinking shes gonna be there for 8 more days i dont want to ruin her vacation also thinking isnt it alrdy bad enough im gonna let her go to her own sons funeral that i have to tell her in advance its going to happen

    5days now had to go to the store to get smokes bought a can of fanta aswell
    but just couldnt drink it it would only slow down the pain im trying to run from

    fact is i dont see no more future not with this hole ive made and never filled up if it was only that but i got the pain every day together with the fact that ive done bad when i was young see when youre bad you dont feel like youre doing wrong but if you manage to turn genuinely good person YOU WILL
    be given burdens that are hard to carry

    i cant help to stop thinking with all that crap i used to sell is its like karma coming to bite me in the ass stealing my health

    I know now first hand you will pay for every mistake you make and do bad and you will get some day more pain then you ever gave

    its not like i dont want to live i just cant get a fresh slate on this world or so it feels, i keep looking for a bright spot in the darkness but i cant find anything. i dont want to hurt my mom or to die but i really cant live like this for much longer cos fighters fight till their reserves run out and thats how i feel running on fumes..

    i felt empty for a long time like i didnt have any emotions left anymore but since i typed this first post ive been crying every minute strange how u know all u typed, but it hurts alot more seeing it typed down knowing this is just the rough lines
    this is sickening i dont fear death i want to die it would be a pleasure id embrace it as a gift but at the same time ud like to be saved im so lost and its so hard to believe i got somewhat of a future...
    And i dont really want much of life anymore seen alot of things lived like a king financially party travelling for 6months ect blowing away 6000 euros in ibiza in 17 days ect well thats the sickest one i did
    all i want from life is to be happy find meds that kill alot of the pain and find someone that truely loves me. But who wants a 30year old loser that has no decent income doesnt have a job or cant have one same thing to me and has a genetic desease so its not really adviced to make childeren cos it gets worser per generation
    i see myself as a loser, damaged goods, failure, mismade human, and someone that did more wrong then good im pathetic
     
  5. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You have really been through a lot…

    Maybe it is hopeful that you can find meds that kill a lot of the pain?

    Is it possible to find some part time chefkok work?

    Maybe it’s good to talk to your mom. At least she’d feel that you trust her and that she would have a chance to do what she would or could…

    You have been strong. You have a very good heart. You do not blame your dad for what he did to you. You can also forgive yourself for the past. Don’t blame yourself for anything in the past. Do what you can now…

    We don’t know what the future will be. Who knows - maybe more effective meds will become available… Maybe you will find new ways to appreciate life...

    Please hang in there! Stay strong (it may be helpful if you have a look at the video clip at the link below in my signature field) ...

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
     
  6. Long2beFree

    Long2beFree Member

    Ty Lovebeing

    the person in that video is amazing
    unfortunately the working is out of the question cos i alrdy got a hard time getting al shopping done keep the house clean ect

    But hey id be happy with alot less pain, my schoulders might be able to handle the rest...for some time longer

    i mean some improvement or sign of things dont always turn out the worst possible way would be helpfull

    fact is i wont hold on if i dont fix myself, its just so hard to talk to someone in person even if i dont know him or her

    tbh im afraid my mom will say something like ohh common man up and get over it i cant promise i will but ill try to get me to talk to her

    i hope i find some solution in time i waited way to long i hope i still got some future left no one really wants to die they just want to live in a different world.

    :thanks: for caring
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You are welcome, hon…thank you for staying strong…you are truly a great guy :)

    Usually it's the mind that would imagine the worst...

    Please do try to talk to your mom. Let your mom get a chance to say what she has to say. Get whatever help you can…

    With more loving wishes and hugs and :rose:
     
  8. Long2beFree

    Long2beFree Member

    I dont feel so great tbh ty for all the nice words and help

    I will tell her when she comes back next sunday, il have a chat with her on msn or something. Its easier specially when i get the sorta answer im expecting.
    I dont think il be able to face her when it turns out im right , im kinda scared.

    But youre right we always think the worst...these days i dont feel lucky at anything and i dont find anything that proves me otherwise

    anyways gotta wait till sunday cos i dont want to ruin her vacation.

    Ty youre a great help and are a verry goodhearted person for that i wish you alot of luck love and happiness in life.
     
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