i was 15 the first time i tried. it was shortly after my brother got in a car accident and im not even sure what set me off. maybe it was just everything finally caught up to me. see, i was physically and sexually abused starting when i was 12, by someone who was supposed to protect me. then i was introduced to my brothers girlfriend, who was bulemic at the time, and i kind of learned from her i guess. except i started with anorexia then after a year of that started on bulemia. i ended up having both for about a year after the bulemia before getting help. then my grandpa died, i was devestated. but on aug. 31 2005 at 4 pm my brother almost died in a car accident that i watched. i felt like i should've kept him safe and i failed, it wasn't long after that, i started trying to figure out a way to do it cleanly. i was already a burden i didn't want to make a mess for someone else to clean up after. so i used a xxx, no bruise, and xxxxxxxxx. just as my vision went black, i saw my grandpa, right in front of me, he saved my life from the grave. ever since then, ive wanted to so bad, ive tried OD'ing a few times but everytime i think about my grandpa and something always makes me gag myself xxx come back up. i hate my life, i hate living, i don't want to be here anymore, but i can't let my grandpa down. i just want everybody to be proud of me for once, so i don't feel like such a letdown, such a disappointment all the time. it seems like everyone is on my case about everything, all the time. i even have a hard time being happy spending time with the boyfriend because he's always on my case. fuck it. arrrrggggggggghhhhhhh. i just want to scream. i'm back to not wanting to be here again...too bad.