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my first time

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Active Member
i was 15 the first time i tried. it was shortly after my brother got in a car accident and im not even sure what set me off. maybe it was just everything finally caught up to me. see, i was physically and sexually abused starting when i was 12, by someone who was supposed to protect me. then i was introduced to my brothers girlfriend, who was bulemic at the time, and i kind of learned from her i guess. except i started with anorexia then after a year of that started on bulemia. i ended up having both for about a year after the bulemia before getting help. then my grandpa died, i was devestated. but on aug. 31 2005 at 4 pm my brother almost died in a car accident that i watched. i felt like i should've kept him safe and i failed, it wasn't long after that, i started trying to figure out a way to do it cleanly. i was already a burden i didn't want to make a mess for someone else to clean up after. so i used a xxx, no bruise, and xxxxxxxxx. just as my vision went black, i saw my grandpa, right in front of me, he saved my life from the grave. ever since then, ive wanted to so bad, ive tried OD'ing a few times but everytime i think about my grandpa and something always makes me gag myself xxx come back up. i hate my life, i hate living, i don't want to be here anymore, but i can't let my grandpa down. i just want everybody to be proud of me for once, so i don't feel like such a letdown, such a disappointment all the time. it seems like everyone is on my case about everything, all the time. i even have a hard time being happy spending time with the boyfriend because he's always on my case. fuck it. arrrrggggggggghhhhhhh. i just want to scream. i'm back to not wanting to be here again...too bad.
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Staff Alumni
I am so sorry things are so rough...I know this struggle first hand, wanting to leave and yet needing to stay to make sure no one else is pained by my life...I have found holding on to ppl who care about me does really make it more manageable...please continue to post how you are doing...there are so many ppl here who truly understand what you are going through...also, glad you are with us...big hugs, J


Active Member
thanks :) sometimes i just get so down i need to write, but im super glad i found this site, because its wayy better to be able to write whatever i need to about how im feeling and still get positive feedback. the boyfriend is my best friend but i can only talk to him about so much because he doesnt understand.
Please try and take some time for yourself, try and focus on all the things you have done right I am sure they out weigh the wrong. I do understand your feeling I have been there as well. With your brothers accident it was not your fault and yes it is hard to not think we let people down by not protecting them but truth is it was not within your control.
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