my first time?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by riz, Oct 18, 2006.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I need to cut. It is so weird. Like, I want to purge myself of pain, but it is contained in my blood. So, the only way to purge is to let it out.

    I know how others see it. I really do. I know they see it as something painful and wrong. I don't feel the pain anymore. Only relief.

    I have been cutting for a long time now. 6 years. I have only recently been trying to find out why I did it my first time. It took a lot of prying, but I remember now. I remember the pain I was feeling, and the pleasure I got from getting it out.

    I was home, watching TV, while my parents were fighting. It wasn't a strange occurence so I ignored it. Next thing I know, it started to get to me. Words like divorce were being thrown around and I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't remember if I said anything, but I do remember running to the knife drawer in my kitchen and grabbing one then went to my room.

    I found the one with teeth. When I got to my room, I shut the door and sat in front of it for a second. When I heard that they were still going and didn't notice me, I found a really sensitive part of my ankle and started carving. Imagine how long it took to draw blood. I didn't stop until it was bleeding a lot. Enough to soak through my socks a couple of times.

    I was crying and carving. It became a blur. But, when I was done, I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't cry anymore. I just went back to the TV and kept ignoring them.

    That is always how it was with me. I would get to the point where I couldn't cope anymore then I would end the peak of emotion by hurting myself.

    It always worked.

    I guess I posted this because I wanted to relate to other first times.

    I want to hear your story.
  2. Spikey

    Spikey Senior Member

    I was five and when frustrated I would get a comb or something and start hurting my legs. in front of my parents. they didnt care.
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    This year, my friend was depressed, he asked me where he could buy a sharp knife and i wouldnt tell him.. he got really angry.. I said "do you know how it feels it be me, to have to stay strong ALL THE TIME.. do you know what its like to want to cut.. but knowing i cant because i will be a hypocrite.." he said that i would never be able to cut... and I did.. I felt the relief of pain from it, felt how happy and good i felt after.. then a couple of nights after, me and my mum had a fight and i was angry so i did it again, i felt i needed to.. then i kept doing it a few times but it wasnt deep or really bad.. then i had a really bad night and new that this wasnt me and was scared of what i was turning into.. it was just not me.

    So i put all my effort into stopping and i did.. then a little while ago i did it again and again and again but i dont know why.. But i havent done it for a while..

    Try and stop guys, its not the answer. And you CAN stop, im proof. Take care, Ally x
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