My First Visit With A Psychotherapist

Discussion in 'Therapy and Medication' started by Julia-C, May 31, 2011.

  1. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I was diagnosed as having Depersonalization Disorder. Apparently I tend to look at my life from a shielded distance. I was told that I separate my emotions from logic and bury my emotions and try to look at life from a cold clinical standpoint. Causing my emotions stay buried in the deep recesses of my mind, in turn keeping myself from having to deal with them. I sort of knew that about myself already. They also think my Depersonalization Disorder is likely a direct result of Post Dramatic Stress Disorder (P. T. S. D.) from the abuse I dealt with as a teen. My Depersonalization Disorder will have to be treated before I will ever be able to let my emotions come to the surface in order to deal with the P. T. S. D.

    They have decided to start treating me primarily for the Depersonalization Disorder and indirectly for the P. T. S. D. They will be treating me with Creative Art Therapy and Cognitive Therapy. Creative Art Therapy is pretty much like it sounds. I will be using forms of artistic expression (drawings and poetry) to, “increase self-awareness, cope with symptoms and traumatic experiences, and foster positive changes“. Cognitive Therapy is basically a “face to face (Doctor-Patient) therapy that helps the patient (me) identify unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy, positive ones. It's based on the idea that someone’s own thoughts, not other people or situations, determine how I behave. Cognitive Therapy will be my personal nemesis as I hate to talk about my emotions. Talking about my emotions makes me feel vulnerable and puts me back into that place I have spent years trying to self diagnose and treat myself out of. Both of these forms of therapy can also be used to treat P. T. S. D. but they will have little affective benefit until I can get my Depersonalization Disorder under control.

    They have given me a couple of assignments that I need to complete before Friday morning when I return for a follow up evaluation. The first assignment is to write a poem or short story about my “feelings” during today’s evaluation. The second is to create a picture which depicts my childhood in the way I would have liked it to have been. I don’t know where to begin on these two assignments, and I don’t want anyone giving me any ideas or it might cause a disingenuousness to my picture or poem.

    I told them about my blog and me being a member of a couple of emotional support forums. They told me the emotional support forums were a good idea as long as I don’t try to use them as a replacement for real psychotherapy. She (one of the doctors) said my blog is also a good idea as long as I can be honest with myself. I gave her my blog address because she wanted to look through it. For a split second I thought about pointing her to “marmite on toast” which is a blog that doesn’t belong to me, but I didn't. I now feel kind of weird and am having thoughts of deleting some things that are on my blog but I won't.

    We didn’t really get into any details today, which was fine with me. I felt very uncomfortable. I think it was mostly because I hate not being in charge, and I didn’t feel in charge. I’m kind of emotionally drained right now. I haven’t really cried in many years, more then a decade actually. Except for a very short cry on Mother’s Day. I am trying to decide if I should cry now or hide my emotions. Maybe I shouldn’t even be trying to decide something like this. Maybe I should let myself cry when I need to and not cry when I don’t need to. These are the types of internal struggles I have going on between my emotions and logic.

    I figured I would let all of you know how my first meeting went. I think it went okay. I wonder about something. I am simultaneously looking forward to Friday and dreading it. Has anyone else felt like this?
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Was in psychotherapy for years.
    first therapist was useless for me, we just didn't gel.
    But my second (and last) one was brilliant.
    One thing I remember was how resistant I was at the whole thing, which is kind of surprising when you think you've gone thru hell and high water to get the therapist in the first place.
    Nick (my therapist) told me that that was the part of me that wanted to hold onto the illness, because in a strange way it made me feel safe.

    If you stick with this, and I really hope you do, you will find a number of times you will subconsciously undermine and try to sabotage the therapy.
    Happily, any therapist worth their salt will recognise when this is happening.
    I can only say, therapy completely changed my life and I say thank God for Nick :smile:
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    "that was the part of me that wanted to hold onto the illness, because in a strange way it made me feel safe"

    I identify with this feeling completely, and suspect it's the same thing that makes the original poster feel the same collective feelings of dread and hope. We spend so long with these feelings, and this illness, that by the time that we are ready to start getting well - it is all we know.

    I hope these therapies are helpful to you. I hope you persevere, if ever you should want to talk about it - I'm only a PM away.

    Much love,
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey i could use all the internet traffic i can get. just kidding....

    glad you went. very brave of you.

    i often have mixed feelings about therapy. excited but scared. insights one week, then resistance to going the next.

    i have an agreement with my therapist, that if i feel like quitting i have to go and talk to her first so that we can make sure i'm not running away.

    don't overthink the homework, just let it all out.

    cbt didn't work too well for me (i only had a very short course of it when i was hospitalized) i guess i needed more constant reinforcement, so when i got out of the hospital i kind of stopped doing the exercises. when i was doing it, it really helped with identifying triggers (automatic thoughts) and responses (feeling suicidal). from what i know of your personality i think you will do well with cbt. it's very analytical.
  5. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I am very resistant inside, but I have this outward mask of optimism on that I hope will melt into myself. If that makes any sense. I'm glad you have such a, dare I say chemistry with Nick. I hope I can with which ever one will end up being my primary care therapist.

    The fear of moving out of my comfort zone is very strong.

    I will do my best to persevere. Thanks for the PM offer. :)

    CBT? Do you mean Cognitive Therapy?

    It sounds weird but I grew to like homework when I was a kid. I think back then it was sort of a method of distraction from reality. Still I think I might be able to get into it. I'll try not to over think the assignments.

    Hey as far as the internet traffic goes you have 4 times the followers I have. So I need the traffic. lol

    Thanks guys for your responses and well wishes. I really appreciate it.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks for sharing - was wondering how you got on today.

    Just let the tears go, don't think. (now, if I could only do the same thing...!)

    Creative art sounds great, would like that myself - to replace the talking part!

    Yes - I agree with others re therapy - wanting to go but wanting to run away.

    Keep us posted, what a great job you did for YOU today, you should be very proud.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2011