I was diagnosed as having Depersonalization Disorder. Apparently I tend to look at my life from a shielded distance. I was told that I separate my emotions from logic and bury my emotions and try to look at life from a cold clinical standpoint. Causing my emotions stay buried in the deep recesses of my mind, in turn keeping myself from having to deal with them. I sort of knew that about myself already. They also think my Depersonalization Disorder is likely a direct result of Post Dramatic Stress Disorder (P. T. S. D.) from the abuse I dealt with as a teen. My Depersonalization Disorder will have to be treated before I will ever be able to let my emotions come to the surface in order to deal with the P. T. S. D. They have decided to start treating me primarily for the Depersonalization Disorder and indirectly for the P. T. S. D. They will be treating me with Creative Art Therapy and Cognitive Therapy. Creative Art Therapy is pretty much like it sounds. I will be using forms of artistic expression (drawings and poetry) to, “increase self-awareness, cope with symptoms and traumatic experiences, and foster positive changes“. Cognitive Therapy is basically a “face to face (Doctor-Patient) therapy that helps the patient (me) identify unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replace them with healthy, positive ones. It's based on the idea that someone’s own thoughts, not other people or situations, determine how I behave. Cognitive Therapy will be my personal nemesis as I hate to talk about my emotions. Talking about my emotions makes me feel vulnerable and puts me back into that place I have spent years trying to self diagnose and treat myself out of. Both of these forms of therapy can also be used to treat P. T. S. D. but they will have little affective benefit until I can get my Depersonalization Disorder under control. They have given me a couple of assignments that I need to complete before Friday morning when I return for a follow up evaluation. The first assignment is to write a poem or short story about my “feelings” during today’s evaluation. The second is to create a picture which depicts my childhood in the way I would have liked it to have been. I don’t know where to begin on these two assignments, and I don’t want anyone giving me any ideas or it might cause a disingenuousness to my picture or poem. I told them about my blog and me being a member of a couple of emotional support forums. They told me the emotional support forums were a good idea as long as I don’t try to use them as a replacement for real psychotherapy. She (one of the doctors) said my blog is also a good idea as long as I can be honest with myself. I gave her my blog address because she wanted to look through it. For a split second I thought about pointing her to “marmite on toast” which is a blog that doesn’t belong to me, but I didn't. I now feel kind of weird and am having thoughts of deleting some things that are on my blog but I won't. We didn’t really get into any details today, which was fine with me. I felt very uncomfortable. I think it was mostly because I hate not being in charge, and I didn’t feel in charge. I’m kind of emotionally drained right now. I haven’t really cried in many years, more then a decade actually. Except for a very short cry on Mother’s Day. I am trying to decide if I should cry now or hide my emotions. Maybe I shouldn’t even be trying to decide something like this. Maybe I should let myself cry when I need to and not cry when I don’t need to. These are the types of internal struggles I have going on between my emotions and logic. I figured I would let all of you know how my first meeting went. I think it went okay. I wonder about something. I am simultaneously looking forward to Friday and dreading it. Has anyone else felt like this?