My feelings about things make up my morals. For example, if I feel bad about something, that means it's wrong, and I have to avoid it. Only problem is...nearly everything upsets me anymore. Sometimes it's hard to live up to some of my own morals...I can't avoid everything. But I feel as though if I don't, then I am a hypocrite. I am doing something that upsets me. But if I do, I will end up in complete and utter isolation. If I follow through with doing everything my feelings tell me to do, I would be completely out of touch with the entire world, and my fiance wouldn't even want me because he wouldn't be able to handle such an extreme, nor would anybody else. And the loneliness of isolation would kill me. That's why, some of the things that I feel are bad, I still end up doing...just so I can still somewhat fit into society. But I don't really want to do them deep down, I just feel like I have to. I wish there was another world I could live in because I really don't like this one. I don't like the society that people have shaped and I was born into. Maybe getting high is the only way to escape it after all. Some of the reasons why I want to kill myself lie in how the world works. But that's not something I can ever change. And I can never accept it either. It is a paradox that I will have to live with my entire life. How is that, by any means, fair?