My fragile mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GreySilence, May 23, 2015.

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  1. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I am very sensitive, and when something horrible happens to me, I can't help but shatter like glass to a thrown stone.

    About 2 days ago, I was still in college and the worst things happened to me during the day, which caused me to drop out with intentions of ending my life. This nasty and abusive teacher would constantly yell at and put people on the spot for no good cause. There was an awfully incompetent student that this teacher would always pair me up with, and I think he was doing so because he wanted me to give up and drop out of the course because he saw me as fragile and unlikely to make it in the culinary trade. Certainly I wasn't all that cut out for it, I shortly realized after this course began, but I was still willing to give it a shot and try my best to at least get through it. This student I was paired up with would mess up everything, and I would also get yelled at for her mistakes. The teacher would throw things around and also swear under his breath, it was very intimidating. There was nothing I could do to pass no matter how hard I tried. The odds were all against me, and this was going to be the third time I was to drop out of a course. "I'm going to end my life after I get through this horrible day" I thought to myself. Holding back the tears, I finished cleaning up for the day. When I exited the building, I cried all the way home, while looking up suicide methods on my phone. It was unsightly, it was embarrassing, and I the tears would not stop when I gazed at everything like it was the last time I would ever lay my eyes upon them.

    By the time I got back home, I immediately got on my computer to tell some of my friends that I was going to go and kill myself, and that I was sorry I couldn't stick around any longer. They managed to calm me down, even though it took a long time. I ended up writing a long email to my dad explaining the situation, and luckily he was understanding and reassured me that he and my mother still love me. It pains me to think, that if my parents were less accepting, I would probably not be breathing anymore. I am so fortunate to have these supportive people in my life, who will still accept someone who's failed as many times as myself. I still can't help but wonder if my parents are actually are understanding or if they're just scared I'll actually kill myself if they told me how they really thought..

    One of the things said to me that stood out was; "failures are just unsuccessful attempts". You can't always succeed on the first try, if you don't, then at least you can learn from analyzing said "failure". You will grow, even if you fail, as long as you don't give up.

    Right now, I'm feeling rather hopeful, so don't worry about me. But I just want to say, do not act on your impulses, especially if you know you are a fragile and sensitive person.. it really sucks to think about how some of my friends might be dead if they had acted on their impulses before. When you're unable to get out of the suicidal mindset yourself, go and talk to someone you trust.

    You might wonder what the heck my plan for my life is right now though, after having wasted so much money dropping out of school. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure myself, but I'll probably push myself to get a job somewhere finally and work on improving my artistic ability, the thing I'm passionate about.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Go to the school and talk to the head person and get a hold on your courses so you do not fail ok hugs to you
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you. Can you not complain to the head of your school about this teacher's unprofessional behaviour? It's certainly not professional or acceptable to throw things around, swear and intimidate students. I am glad that you haven't let this keep you down and that you feel more hopeful.
  4. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I'm really too timid to bother trying to talk to the school head. I'm really just done with this course, because from what I've seen and heard so far, most people in the culinary trade are rather unforgiving and ruthless. It really is surprising how many teachers in many different schools and subjects are incredibly incompetent and unprofessional. I really just don't feel like school is worth it, and with all I've been through, I don't think anything could ever change my mind on the matter.

    Thanks for the replies, guys.
  5. damselfly

    damselfly Member

    College is hard and daunting, especially when you're already depressed. I started being suicidal because I had to drop out and change my first major when I was nineteen (and no professor was harassing me, either).

    I suggest that you do discuss the problem with the problematic teacher to your academic counselor. Look at it as a way to train your problem solving skill that will also be useful later in life. Culinary seems intriguing to me and it's a solid career path that you can do anywhere. If you really enjoy it then try to fight for your right to stay there.

    Not sure how it works in your country but in mine, a college degree is mandatory to attain a better job and higher salary. I hope you can finish whatever course you want to do. I changed my major twice, and in the third one, because it's what I like best, I could excel in it and it gave me a sense of purpose, at least for the 3.5 years of my life.

    Let me know if I can help further with your educational matters.
  6. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I've already not gone back to school since that day I had the breakdown, so the decision is pretty much set in stone for me already. Thing is, I went into it not even that sure if I liked it that much. My parents suggested it, and I went along with it because it seemed like it might be a good fit. I didn't really want to go back into post-secondary education in the first place, but my dad kinda pressured me into it. I didn't want to because I didn't know what I wanted to do.

    Well, I'm back at square one now- but with less money in the bank. Over where I live, I don't think it's a requirement to have a college degree to get better jobs. However, that doesn't matter too much to me- as I can definitely be content with a small amount of income, as long as I have enough to pay for a computer, internet, and my basic living expenses.

    Thanks for the offer for more help, but I really do believe that education isn't the path for me. I will just work at near minimum wage and develop my art skills, and possibly sell my skills online once I get good enough.
  7. I envision the same for me, looks like a good enough plan to start with. I read once that many people with some degree of autism or what have you end surviving in low-quality jobs despite having more raw potential than psychologically stronger people.

    I have dropped out of college three times (from 2010 to 2013 or 2014) because of social anxiety, illness and motivation issues and this fourth time I am in an online course with subjects that I mostly despise.

    I would like to have a tolerable job and in my free time try to become a comic sensation, or an angsty painter, or a writer, or all of these. And do a lot of exercise as well.

    Funny, one of my failed university attempts was an Arts career. It was definitely the most interesting career I have tried, but I was too messed up at the time plus I don´t really respect artists that much, most of them are like mindless artisans. One thing that I noticed is that there is a LOT of people with technical skills out there (realism), and in fact almost everyone in my class surpassed me on that, but one student told me that I had a creativity and an inner "artsy" angst he did not.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2015
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just want you to know you are not alone and we're here for you, keeping talking to us, it helps to talk :)
  9. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Realist art is pretty boring, and from what I've heard, artists who make a living out of realist paintings/drawings eventually get bored of it. Art really is something that should be without limitations, so you can let your creativity run wild and have fun doing it.

    Hope you can get something out of your fourth attempt, I'm definitely not going to go for a fourth myself. I'd like to know though, why did you pick subjects that you dislike? just felt pressured to go back into school again?
  10. It is a long story but basically I am too ill physically and mentally (mostly physically) to handle real college or courses, so my parents forced me to pick an online course. Its boring/depressing as hell compared with in-person courses, and this is coming from someone with severe social/psychological problems.

    Its funny/pathetic, but right now I a pursuing the first career I tried back in 2011, which is english studies. I like english, but that´s it lol I have little interest in some dead dramaturge from centuries ago or about the intricacies of grammar. I couldn´t care less about these things.

    In my mind I have no doubt my only hope is doing comics or something like that, and not of superheroes or anything on that line, but very specific cartoonish and "crazy" that I have seen in libraries which is a style and a philosophy that resonates with me a lot like Johnny the Homicidal Maniac or the ones from Hideshi Hino. People also appreciate when I draw things like that, certainty more than they did when I tried pure realism with my lack of technical skills.
  11. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    You should definitely try drawing more crazy comics, seems like something you're passionate about.

    It sucks that they're making you go through with school even though you clearly don't want to though.
    Something isn't "for the best" if it induces suicidal feelings.
    School is too much of a mountain to scale for some people, and often too traumatizing for the rewards.
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