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My friend and my life...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theVisionary, Jan 26, 2014.

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  1. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    Hey guys, Im new here... and I guess Im sort of taking advantage of the people here. Its just I just wanna let it all out ya know?

    Well here goes...

    Im a loner... self imposed. It sucks being alone in school but I guess its inevitable to be like this since at my college, im very odd. Im okay in english but I tend to be less artful than my peers (though I can adapt). My course by the way is AB Language- English.

    No one there in our department sticks- by stick I mean will be able to understand. Or simply someone I will like...

    I pick people... I guess thats my problem... Its something I do ever since... only now, Im more picky... after being left behind, betrayed 5 or 6 times (I did not count... got tired)


    Then cheer leading came. I joined for the intramurals since I think it might not be boring I guess. Im in the evening class by the way, so the team Im on is the Evening program. Im with the other evening classes in my university and well in cheer leading, I get to meet more people.

    Here comes Kyel. The first time I saw him, I became attracted... the first time I get to know him, I see him as someone dangerous- my crush was gone... this time he's a threat. He's the person I would like to hang out with. I tried staying away from him.

    ...I guess the universe has other plans...

    Since for some random reason, the cheercoach made us partners in baskets. Its confusing actually since he's taller and stronger, highly incompatible. Yet We had chemistry I guess, and later we became close (in my point of view).

    Before I met him, I was very silent (as noted by my collegemates) now, Im like me. He brings out the real me...

    Then came my fondness, I always bring food for him. He's in ab oarding house, so well I decided to bring viand and rice for the two of us so that we wont get to spend any more money and stuff. We alwyas hang...

    At prayers, we would giggle (since we dont pray... the only two).

    Cheerleader ended (we won the crowd but did not win)... and I got sad.

    Days later, I told him He's my best bud. He replied he would liek to try having a best bud too. I do not why he agreed, he would ahve let me down and stuff. Before htat during christmas, after the break i bought him a bag, a 8gb memory card and a shirt.

    He gave me a name call... "braah". It was the first nickname i ever had actually.

    Days later, classes began again, i became clingy and became aware of this. I told him bout this and somehow in my mistake it wasi n text. He seldom texts back you see and well Im always the one who texts or calls him.

    We calmed down after that when I had to force myself to be a man and shit.

    Now im feeling it again.

    Sometimes we would be happy talking to each other but the next day, he would be distant. During that time, I would notice I do the effort and stuff but I try ignoring it, lying to myself...

    He told me once about his past girl friend, that after months of dating he wanted it to end. He didnt break up with her, but made things so the girl could break up with him. HE told me too that his past exes have been like that. I think it was something he is hiding... that he is awkward like me... I am not sure

    Sometimes, I would be optimistic... those girls did not last with him because they did not know him. HE did told me he doesn't like texting. Maybe he was so distant that the girls got fed up?

    I sometimes think... that maybe he just needs space to recover... he also did tell me he is still adjusting (through text though) about this best friend stuff.

    It just hurts so much that during the days he is distant, when we were practicing cheerleading... when I would stand next to him, he moves away. When I send him a private message at facebook or at Steam.. or a text, he does not reply.

    I know should put my distance, and im doing it now. I jsut realized that unlike me, im not his whole world.

    He always appears in my dreams... and during the times I get hurt, when I have nothin to do. I think of death... what would happen if I killed myself? would he feel guilt? would he be affected? Sometimes I would imagine he wouldn't... sometimes he would and cry...

    Now Im trying to resist myself in telling everyone he's my best bud. So that I wont embarrass him. Im nothing, im ugly... Im unimportant

    The urges flick on and off... I just had to distract myself playing dota2... but sometimes it isnt enough you know?

    I do plan though about talking to him personally about this. I may have promised Id carry my own weight but I would want help from him. I am new too in this relationship...

    But also in my imagination, I would imagine several outcomes. One, he would end it at that time... and I would be too shocked to even realize I already jumped off the school's highest building, jump myself in front of a speeding vehicle or slash my neck with a knife at home... Two, he wou;d respons albeit embarassingly (i would try to be private though for his sake and mine) bout helping me... and three, we would go on like nothin happened and later I would feel this pain again.

    Its a never ending pain actually. I already attempted suicide thrice I think (different causes)... none took it seriously. Anyways, I would be happy reading some replies... It busies me more while I await tomorrow...
  2. meforeverlost

    meforeverlost New Member

    i may have read your post wrong and if i did, i am sorry. Do you typically date guys? i checked your profile but it doesn't say if you are male or female, i am assuming male. Your friend has had many girlfriends, have you considered that it may be easier to make friends with a man who has had a boyfriend before? It just seems to me like a man who has come out openly in the past would be more likely to be open about a close friendship, or relationship with another man, regardless of whether it is platonic or more.
  3. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    i dated guys but didnt get serious with them. i dont actually like my friend in a romantic way anymore now... id prefer if were bros and whatever, it completes me somehow. some of our common friends assures me that he might feel the same, judging from the way they look at us. some even (whom known him far longer than i did) smile a lot when seeing us two together.

    true it might be easier but most people dont have what my friend has... theres just something in him that clicked within me. He may have felt it towards me too but somehow im at fault for being clingy and i just realized it. I plan to talk to him later after practice...

    i hope he forgives me and stuff you know?
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