My Friend Made Potential (Vague) Suicide threats

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by phoenicianprincess, Feb 20, 2015.

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  1. I have a relatively new friend who I bonded with really fast who is like a soul mate but who is potentially suicidal. I told his family and now his half sister says he is really mad at me because it stressed everyone out to have to hear the news, and he apparently wasn't suicidal in the first place.

    I was worried so I thought I ought to tell someone, and I think I did the right thing.

    But his half sister (who made me feel like a criminal, said she worked for the police department and told me to unfriend all his family members on facebook) made it sound like he is very angry with me and upset, so I am afraid to call him, even though he called yesterday when I was out and asked to talk to me. (I left a message on his phone late last night but he doesn't always see those).

    We usually talk more than three times a week, and lately almost every day. He couldn't wait to have me visit since I haven't seen him in a while.

    My friend was saying, over the course of five months I have known him, that there is nothing left for him in life and that he wants to reunite with God, that he sometimes wishes he were never born, and that without his mother and sister he would kill himself.

    His mother has been in hospital/rehab lately, and he has been depressed, but he has loved talking to me. He never calls people out of the blue, because of his depression, but he returns my calls, unlike his sister's (she gets mad about this). He says I am the only person outside his family he talks to. His other friends he has alienated himself from by ignoring them in his depression.

    He has said without mom and sister he would want to kill himslef, and so when his mother went to hospital I was very worried, especially after reading suicide warning signs and seeing how very similar they are to his own behavior (isolating himself, depression, irritability, hopelessness, bad sleeping and eating habits, talking about death and suicide vaguely, etc).

    I was nervous and I tried to contact him to talk to him about it but he wasn't home, so I got desperate and looked up his aunt and uncle, and also his sister, in the phone directory online. I found them adn called but they were not there either. I must have called 20 times.

    I was getting very worried. The next day while I was on teh computer at the library I found someone I knew on FaceBook who appeared to be a relative and asked if she knew him. She did, but not very well, and she and I got along really well and we talked about him and she told my friend's aunt and uncle (her aunt married his uncle) and she reported back to me that my frend is fine. While emailing her I had also emailied the aunt through Facebook.

    All was fine and well until later on when my dad picked me up and told me my freind called my house while I was out and his half sister also called, and that she was upset and said she worked for the police department and wanted me to stop friending his family members on Facebook, and saying I upset them all and traumatized his dying mother (who they had the ridiculous idea of telling, instead of pulling my firend aside adn discussing it with him).

    I just thought I was helping out a friend, not committing a crime. What right does she have to tell me who I can friend on Facebook? if they don't like it, they can unfriend me. I've never received a complaint from them. Also, she contradicted several things my friend said:

    1. She said my friend isolates when he is depressed and that he needs to focus on family issues now. NOT true. My friend was reaching out more to me these past few weeks when mother has been sick, inviting me to come up adn such. (he has depressoin and maybe was reaching out for support)

    2. She said she and my friend have a close relationship and that he called her first after this controversy occurred because she is the rational sibling, gave her my phone number. My friend told me about her before this whole debacle and he said he barely heard of her his whole life and now she is suddenly contacting him and he doesn't know why she suddenly wants to become close to him. He also said she told him she works in the government, so high up she has secrets she cannot tell.

    3. She said my friend pushes non family people out of his life when there are family matters. I have never noticed this. In fact, he wanted me to come up and meet his mother and he said I am the first person he talks to after his mother and (full) sister. (who he seems much closer to than this half sister!)

    4. She said my friend's mother is dying, but my freind told me a week ago that she is getting better and going to rehab, not hospital.

    5. She said he likes to keep his family life private and doesn't want outsiders prying in. Opposite is true. He is a terrible gossip and motormouth and tells me everything and all the details. He cannot keep his mouth shut, which I think is his way of "reaching out" for help.

    This half sister seems like she is trying to push me away from my freind. Perhaps she is involved in crime, like my freind's late father (who was her father also and whom my friend almost never saw growing up), and wants to keep my freind from tattling to someone on teh "outside"?

    The other relative I emailed on facebook, the one whose aunt married his uncle, said that she did not have a relationship with my frend, but had talked to him a while and taht he was honest and intelligent and had the courage to be himself. she liked him a lot since he was not fake.

    She said his family is loving but argumentative and they dont listen adn they bury problems under the rug (and my freind had a LOT of problems growing up) and don't understand mental health issues. She thinks that maybe he is reaching out to me by telling me about these suicidal-like thoughts and that I am a someone he trusts to better understand him.


    I am afraid to call my freind because I am afraid of what he will say adn I am also afraid he will reject me. I love him to pieces and I need him in my life. He also needs me, since I am the only person right now who can provide him some sanity and a good perspective on life. His mother was an alcoholic and is now on Xanax (he lives with her and takes care of her) and the rest of his family does not understand him.

    I love him and I am afraid he will now commit suicide someday because of this huge blowup with the family (which the weird half sister said was resolved...even though she still felt the need to call me...) and I am also afraid he does not want to be my friend anymore.

    Can someone help me?
  2. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Well that is a bit of a messy situation, But YOU DID THE RIGHT THING and that is all that matters. You will have to forget about the rest of his family as it is to volatile to gain any help or perspective. The real issue is how to get the courage to call your friend? Firstly you can't put his possible suicidal idealations on yourself. It would never be your fault. If you can't call him maybe you can write him a letter but if he does reject you it is not because you did anything wrong he is just not stable enough right now to comprehend your actions.
    Rejection is tough but the not knowing will eat at you just as much so you might want to call and find out. Just be honest and that is all anyone can ask of themselves.
    We are here for you if you need the support.
    Hope all goes well.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sounds like the family either is in denial or your friend is doing something he doesnt normally do making you someone special in his life.

    Sometimes family members will fight tooth and nail to keep outsiders out of family issues and see you as an interloper.

    It was nice you went out of your way to make sure he was okay. Sound like this friendship is bound to become more serious?

    Maybe the family will start to back down when they see your status with the friend has become more serious if that evolves and can go from defensive stance to acceptance of you in their issues. It could go any driections. Its just full of the unknowns.

    Evaluate your friendship with the friend and go from there.

    Good luck :hug:
  4. I will try to call him maybe tomorrow (Sunday so I can pray for strength :D ) but if he tells me not to call him again then what do I do? He's depressed so he never initiates contact even with those people he does like, so I will not have any way of knowing if he has changed his mind or not.

    And that half sister FREAKS me the eff out. She was obviously trying to scare me away from him for some reason or another, and making me feel like a criminal for trying to contact and freind his family on FaceBook. (THEY have never complained about me on FaceBook and if they don't want to friend me, they can defriend me!)

    This sister comes from his father, who was a criminal, and she is involved, she says, in "secretive" government things. Perhaps she is really involved in crime and just told my friend she was a governmetn agent so he wouldn;t question anything she told him. Maybe she is involved in the mob, like my friend believes his father was. Maybe he did not willingly give her my phone number, but maybe she tapped his phone?

    The way she was talking sounded just like the Godfather movies- "this is a very private family", "___(my friend) needs his space", her threatening me by making mention of her police connections, etc.

    My friendship with this person is very deep and add to that fact that I am the only person outside that family he talks to and that we are both the "black sheep" of our families and there is added reason for us to stay together. We have very similar life views and philosophy and morals and tastes in movies, and we had so much planned to do this year. He is able to "unload" all his problems to me and I listen, unlike his family who is loving but doesn't understand.
  5. Now the relative I initially contacted on Facebook is saying that my friend told his aunt that he felt like I was stalking him and that he hadn't talked to me in a while.

    I hadn;t talked to him in two days, and we talk every day on the phone. Two days is "a long time"? When I ask if I am bothering him, he always says no, and he says he can't wait to have me come up so we can hang around together. He even invited me to sleep over his house.

    Why is he lying to his aunt about me?
  6. Should I contact him? Write a letter? Call him? It's been about a week since I last talked to him and we used to talk almost every day.
  7. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Relationship advice is a tricky thing. If it were me I would not call, the ball is in his court and it seems you are the one that is worrying and making all the effort. That seems to me to be a totally one sided relationship. I feel he knows how you feel so let him make his decision. It's too bad that you are not strong enough to be the one to decide what is right for you. You realize you are letting him decide and you will react to how much he wants to give or withhold? That is never a good sign for a fair and giving relationship and may end up harming you in the long run.
    Take some time and let his effort or lack of effort sink in. You will have your answer.
    Good luck, I hope things work out for you regardless of "his" decision.
  8. People with depression don't call people, they isolate. It has nothing to do with not caring about other people. I do it as well when I get depressed.

    My friend at least returns my calls. That's more than he does for his family. His (other) sister complains he never returns her calls.

    Look up bipolar and depression, don't assume he doesn't call me because he does not care.

    I'm tired of all this "your friend doesn't care about you" stuff. People are way too cynical about relationships these days and the slightest thing causes them not to trust their own friends. Different people are needier than others and we cannot refrain from picking them up just because they seem to be taking too much of our energy.

    My friend is genuine. That's why he talked that way in the first place to me, because he trusts me and is reaching out. I cannot abandon him.
  9. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    "Should I contact him? Write a letter? Call him?" You asked I answered, that's all. Don't worry I won't again.
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I think it is a very tricky situation but you need to consider a few things here. I know you were only doing what every good friend would do, you were concerned for your friends safety so you did all you could to ensure that. Being on the receiving end of a concerned friend facebooking my relatives, I can perhaps look at things from you friends point of view. I once got myself into a situation where I had made some suicide/self harm attempts. My intention wasn't to kill myself but I had taken an overdose, I guess, just to escape. I had told a friend, who was obviously concerned about me and after I refused to get help, he facebooked my family members. He facebooked my dad, my fiancé, my aunt and some random person who I didn't even know. Now, if he had just contacted my immediate family like my dad and my fiancé, I'd have probably been a bit mad because I didn't want anyone to know how bad things were and I was scared of them knowing, but I would have understood and there would have been no issue. But because he also contacted my aunt, and some random person I didn't even know, I was absolutely fuming, because they didn't know about my business for a reason. My dad and fiancé knew I wasn't great, but I'd never told my aunt of any of my problems so that's why I was upset.

    Take a step back, you contacted some of his family members who by their own admission didn't know him very well, so probably weren't aware of his situation, probably because he didn't want them to know. Just think how upset he might feel because now everybody knows his business, who he might have not told for a good reason. Just give him some space and time to calm down and let things blow over a bit, he will contact you when he is ready. I know you were only doing your best, and in your situation I would probably have to reach out to somebody, but I would try to be mindful about how I went about it, and if I had immediate concerns and couldn't contact the person I needed to, I would contact the police who would then go check on that person.
  11. I agree with you. It seems like even his immediate family (aunt and uncle and mother) didn't know. I tried calling him, then tried calling his house, then tried calling his sister and aunt and uncle (who are more immediate).

    Only after they did not answer did I try his more distant relative. I didn't want to take the chance he was already gone. His mother had been doing poorly lately, and he had just got a prescription for Lorazepam, so I was worried he would start thinking about doing it soon.

    Also, although he doesn't always call me out of the blue, he usually returns calls and usually picks up his phone alll hours of the day, at least for me (we had talked every day that previous week). So when he didn't pick up I decided to try his aunt and sister to be safe, because I coludn't get through to him.

    I am glad you think he will come around. He is a bit strange, as is his family apparently (at least the half sister, who, frankly, I thought was rude and intrusive to call me and just as "stalky"- why didn't my friend just call me and not give her my home phone? That's more intrusive than a Facebook email! And she is a cop, supposedy, so she should know better, especially since cops are at the forefront of the suicide prevention movement and usually understand the need to reach out at all costs, even to family)

    But I hope he will talk to me again. I love him very much and he seemed to be very happywith our freindship up until now. Keep in mind, I never heard from him personally that he was angry or from his family that they don't want me to contact them- only from that weird half sister...

    Ironically, I didn't want to call 9-11 because I didn't want to create a big stir! Also, he had no specific plans to commit suicide at that particular time.

    Thank you butterfly and deb for your advice!
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