My friend wets

[conn]

Im concerned for my friend. She recently has had depression problems and i have now found out that she now avoids using a loo at all costs. She claims to have a problem with them, and doesnt like using them. This is ok, except she now regularly wets herself, and when i ask her about these things, all i get is things like "oh well, i deserve it for being a bad person". Also i see shes in lots of discomfort when attempting to hold after so long so I need to find something to say to her or some advice to give to her to stop this before she causes huge problems for herself.

Is ther anything I can do for my friend? Thx

 

[.......]

Maybe research the effects what she's doing could have on her bladder and show it to her. It sounds like some kind of self harming. You could try and talk to her as to why she feels she needs to hurt herself this way or why she thinks she's a bad person. If this is some anxiety with toilets then that's more complicated. You could encourage her to see a doctor or take her to one and voice your concerns?

 

[conn]

well i believe she recently had her head flushed, which is probabily the reason why she doesnt like them, and she seems to avoid them at all costs because of this, even when at home with no1 else in the house,all doors and windows locked etc.

hmm you think its worth taking her to see a doctor? never thought it to be that bad

 

[cold]

Definitely the doctor They can help her, probably with therapy.

If she really can't use a toilet, could she maybe use a potty? That might be less distressing than wetting herself, or maybe talk to her about those adult nappy things that incontinent people can wear.

But yes, doctors is a priority because they can REALLY help, I'm sure. Well done for being a good friend.

 

[conn]

hmm i guess, she kinda denies that she has a problem though

 

[cold]

I would guess she probably knows but is scared to admit it. Maybe you could try gently talking to her about how people get scared about something and how they do anything to avoid it at all costs, and how there are therapies out there, like CBT as well as medication that can help people with their phobias. Explain that it can work for people scared of spiders, or going into big places, or small spaces, or any type of place, and sort of work it round to being scared to use the toilet. If she is using it as a self harming and self degrading 'tool' then you could also try gently talking to her about how bad she feels about herself and how there are people (such as therapists) who can help her with how she views herself, and also ways to work through the pain she feels and the things she feels she has to do to herself, and also ways to build her self esteem.

You could also try to offer going to the docs with her, and suggest that you and her make a list (like a bullet point list) of the things she needs to talk to the doctor about, so that you and her can get a decent list together of what she needs help with.

You will have to go very gently, gently, and very slowly. It might also help her to know she is not alone. I know there are support sites out there for people with phobias and also for adults who wet the bed, so I wouldn't mind betting that out there somewhere there will be support out there for people with problems similar to hers.

 

[Trip the Dark fantastic]

Cold, it seems you are missing the point here. Surely, the cause is not incontinence and therefore a medical condition, but a trauma caused by having her head stuffed down a toilet by bullies.

First port of call would be to encourage your friend to make an appointment with your school counselor (student service) to report the incident. make no mistake, she has been physically assaulted by someone forcing her head into a toilet bowl. This was an assault which has now resulted in a trauma, which in turn prevents her from emptying her bladder, which will cause physical damage if not addressed.



.

 

[cold]

I'm not missing the point, I'm fully aware that it is a psychological problem, however, people use wheelchairs if for some reason they can't psychologically walk, it's about minimising the damage so that the root cause can be found and dealt with. If the person feels safer using a potty, or even incontinence nappies, then she won't wet herself in such an embarassing manner as she might if she just tries to hold it, which never works. That would give her time to deal with the causes for this, and not having to suffer as she is doing.

 

[cold]

I meant if for some psychological reason someone can't walk, my wording was bad in the above post.

If someone can't talk for psychological reasons people find ways to help them communicate until they are able to verbalise and the root cause has been sorted.

 

[conn]

ok thanks for all this, im going over to her house now and then going to do some shopping so i might try and subtly slip some of this into conversation with her, not make it too obvious and see where i go to from there.

 

[conn]

Ok I'm back from her house. Things i don't think are that good. When i got to her house she was on the last stage before she couldnt hold, and when i hugged her to say hello she wet. I tried talking to her about it like 'u no u shud really go before tht happens' but she kept ignoring it and contiuing whatever she was doing.

Im getting more worried for her now, as it seems to be like 'oh its nothing' and then carries on, after changing to dry clothes obviously. I was tempted to forcably wet myself to make her feel like she aint alone, but i didnt cos that would most likely cause her more problems. I just don't know what to do for her.

 

[cold]

Poor girl.

Telling her that she should go before it gets to that is something that she already knows, because she has obviously doing it from when she was potty trained until recently. It's like telling someone who purges, you shouldn't binge eat, then you wouldn't need to purge, but it is not that easy, or you should do X so that you don't cut yourself. Or image yourself forcing yourself to confront your worst ever fear, would you avoid it at all costs? I know I would avoid mine. She desperately needs some help and support for this to help her come through this. She may carry on as normal because this is becoming the 'norm' for her, and also because maybe she doesn't know what else to do?

If talking to her doesn't help, then maybe you could try writing a letter to her with loads of information in it, and anything you want to say, approaching it very slowly and carefully (If you choose to do that, and want some help, I'm more than happy to help, let me know and I'll PM you).

If you are at a loss, you can always talk to a teacher/tutor at your college/school explaining what happened and how she has reacted and how she needs help, because they will also have ways to access her help, and it would also take the pressure off you.

 

[conn]

Yea I guess, I just am really concerned for her, cos I know that she must be really hurting inside, but she just cnat do anything. I dont really know what I can do for her, which hurtsme cos I'm her best friend and Im supposed to look out for her with such things but if I cant, i just dont know. I wish i could find some miricle cure for her, but i think until shes ready to help herself, theres nothing I can do.