A mutual friend of my brother's and mine killed himself one month ago today. I have been able to keep from thinking about it for most of the day, mostly because I've been asleep for a good bit of it. But I'm the worst at night, because my family is asleep, and I am left with everything that happened that week. I keep thinking about the funeral, about the slideshow the church showed before the service, and the song "Nutshell" by Alice in Chains which they played on repeat. I keep thinking about how the pastors didn't really say much of him at all, but used his death to preach at us on a Monday. I keep thinking about wishing my brother had been there with me, and though I was sitting with my friends, I felt like I was the only one in the room with the casket. I keep thinking about how when the pallbearers took him out of the church, I could hear his mother screaming in the hallway. And I keep kicking myself, because the night it happened, I kept getting the feeling that something was wrong. I keep thinking that if I had gone through all the names in my phone, I would have called him. And what scares me is that even though I feel my heart breaking for the way he left, it doesn't deter me from my own resolve, that if I feel I have to follow suit, I will.