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my fucked up life.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mistaken, Feb 1, 2008.

  1. mistaken

    mistaken New Member

    Life isn't how it should be at the moment..
    Things that used to make me enjoy life.. just don't.
    Everything is falling apart.

    I didn't have as bad of a childhood as many other people, but it still has had an overall effect on me and my personality. When I was young, my dad had many issues. Maybe few times a year he'd have his good side showing. For example, when I was two, he tried to help me from being attacked by bees. Yep, pretty much all he's done for me. He would watch TV all day, and lay on the couch (the permanent indent in the shape of his body would prove it) and drink. And drink. And drink. I didn't get along with my sister very well. She's four years older than me, and would tease me or make me feel unwanted. Unloved. Dad's way of solving our arguments would be to shout, and threaten us (mostly me). If things got bad enough, I'd run to my room, and drag my bed a few inches to block my door, so he couldn't get in. i was terrified of him. He's also a big pothead, as well. He had a bad childhood and he was fucked up in the head. To conclude this part, I had no father figure in my life, something i believe EVERY child needs.

    In elementary and middle school, people hated me. I was apparently an annoying shit who should have been in an asylum. I would be teased in school, and I met one kid Spencer, who became my best friend. We'd do everything together. We'd play on the playscape. We'd share secrets, eat lunch, do everything together. People would tease him as well. I'm naturally kind-hearted, so when I saw people teasing him, I'd pick a fight. No one would bully him without me stepping in. But then, he moved. I had to spend the rest of my 5th grade year alone. Even the teachers disliked me.

    In middle school, I met Vinny. We talked a bit and quickly became best friends. Haha, Mr. Dibb used to state we were joined at the hip. Things went sortof well that year. I got my first girlfriend near the end -- but me, being unpopular and hated, got teased for it. People would complain to her about dating a loser like me, so she broke up with me. I was in 6th grade, so I didn't know what love was. I shrugged it. Then on the bus, Vinny found a new friend Brandon, so he decided to show off by making fun of me. So what did I do? I leaned over and decked him in the face. That was the end of our friendship. 7th grade whizzed by, me being lonely as hell, nothing much to say. 8th grade was sortof a turning point. Near the beginning i didn't have much friends, and everyone well, pretty much hated me. But i started opening up to people, and I got a few friends. Then more, and more. I got invited to parties. I had people actually want to talk to me. To be with me. When middle school ended, they split the districts into 2 High schools. Most of my friends went to the opposite one i was going to. I was devastated.

    Over the summer, my life was changed. My dad was finally gone after years of yelling and abusing. I met the people who changed me. They accepted me. Loved me. I fell in love with a girl, April. We'd talk online, talk on the phone, be together constantly. I was completely in love. She loved me back. We dated for the whole summer until she broke the news that she was moving to England. I was heartbroken. My first actual love, and it was gone. I went in my room, and cried. I wouldnt eat, sleep, talk. I'd sit in my room and watch TV trying to forget about her for most of the day, until night time came, and I'd cry myself to sleep. The day came where I decided I'd still talk online with her, and be friends with her. Of course, I still loved her.
    Then I went to school, with my friends I loved dearly.

    I went into 9th grade, where i met the best people in the world, getting the best friends i could ask for. A few months ago, I started hanging out with people older than me. I'm 14, and was hanging out with 17 and 18 year old girls. We'd watch movies, drink, smoke, etc. Then my friends --not the ones i met over the summer, my new friends from school-- decided they wanted to hang out with them as well. Since my two friends were lesbian and dating, they obviously loved each other. My friends who were girls started liking them, and the rumours came out, and the 18 year old friend got protective and told them to back off. She cussed them out and I took their side. My friends from school were being bitches about it and being compulsive liars. So then, my friends blamed me, and basically said "Screw you, you're not worth being my friend, don't talk to me." A few friends stayed with me, but I had that worthless feeling. I had many other issues. I felt ugly. I felt worthless. I had anxiety, insomnia, depression.

    I wish things would go back to how the summer was..perfect... I was loved, cared about, self confident, happy. I had April. It seems my life is falling apart.. people who i thought were true friends are turning against me, I'm losing trust in people. I feel lost in my own house with my mother and sister constantly blaming me for everything. I'm losing hope in seeing a future for me.. I can't kill myself -- I just can't. I just.. sometimes think about how everything would be better.. without me in the world.
  2. metalhead123

    metalhead123 Guest

    even if i have read just some sentences,i feel that u feel like me.
    And i feel like i have insomnia depression and anxiety too,so if anything other cant help. I ll just say that u arent alone in this sad world...
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2008
  3. butterfly12274

    butterfly12274 Well-Known Member

    I read through all of it and all I can say is I feel sorry for you. Hang in there :hug:
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

  5. mistaken

    mistaken New Member

    ;) thanks
  6. beauutyy

    beauutyy Well-Known Member

    its okay.i know how you feel.
    i was picked on bad all gradeschool and middle school years. and it wasnt until my junior year in highschool that all the bully-ing stopped. im a senior now. i've gained alot of confiendence.andd i friends but none that i can talk to about stuff like this or anything i type on this site; so i get reaal lonely sometimes. so if you ever need a friend cause you feel down and alone you can talk to me:)

    and im also sorry about the girlfriend thing.aww,thats sad. *hugs* but if you are 14,you have a whole life ahead of you to find someone.so even though you may be sad about it,you'll meet someone else.the world is full of women.andd you seem real sweet,so dont give up on yourself.