my GF has overcome allot...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by joshtillb, Apr 7, 2011.

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  1. joshtillb

    joshtillb Member

    Hey everyone so this is my first post and it’s not going to be about my problems

    So lately my GF of ~2years on and off has really started to open up to me about her family, not all at once, little by little I learn more each time we talk, what im learning is quite shocking and somewhat hard to deal with.

    My GF was adopted at birth in to a family of 4 other children 2 kids were from her father’s previous relationship and 2 were from the current one (I believe). Her father was/is abusive and is an alcoholic and would leave for days with no explanation (but was more then likely seeing other women). When she was 7 her mom found love in another man and cheated on her dad. Months later she found herself pregnant with the other mans child and was tired of living in an abusive relationship.

    She told me she was almost 8 the day the cops came to the door to oversee her mom leave the house, she remembers nearly everything that happened that day and the following couple months where she was forced to decided who she wanted to live with .... fast forward to today she’s living almost 2000km away from her dad with her little sister, mom and how her stepdad (the other guy) her dad is still an abusive drunk who is drinking himself to death, except he’s living alone all his kinds are moved off now. She still goes to visit him though every Christmas till she’s 18...its part of the custody agreement or something

    There was always disturbing stories about how he would go on a drinking spree and force her older brothers to drink with him, dragging them out of bed or flipping the mattress. And telling them to man up, basically beating them if they refused drink with him.
    Here is what really worries me-....we were bbming the other day talking about what she wanted to do when she was older, she said she wanted to be a social worker and work with kids who have been sexually abused. I was telling her it was a really good idea, she would get to help allot of ppl and really make a difference in some life’s. I asked her why she wanted to do that, what her motivation was. She told me there was a story....immediately alarm bells were going off in my head, sort of confused i asked to hear it. She said she would rather tell me in person, she gets to emotional even thinking about it She said it was the reason she finds it so hard to trust anyone, why she hates her dad and that she’s never told anyone, not even her mom. She said she use to see a councillor but she could only tell her so much because she wasn’t 18 and she didn’t want anything to happen to her dad, she said its caused her so much pain with all the tests and stress and that if she tried to tell her mom she wouldn’t believe her, she would just think she was starting drama so she wouldn’t have to go visit him this year. I did my best to comfort her and made sure she knew it wasn’t her fault, that her mom would believe her. I also told her that if she wanted to go and talk to someone I would help her out the best I could

    We still haven’t had the conversation for me to find out exactly what happened, but im assuming she was sexually abused. When we do talk in person about this I want to be prepared
  2. Florence

    Florence Antiquities Friend

    Wow ... You sound like a really kind and supportive BF and that you want to be prepared for her says volumes.
    My advice.
    Let her know that whatever she tells you will not change how you feel about her.
    Listen and let her take her time, maybe huge gaps as she struggles to talk or it might all come flooding out.
    She may not want to look at you, that is ok.
    Don't flood her with lots of questions and if u do ask a question try to phrase it so it does not sound judgemental (I am sure it wouldn't anyway from reading your post)
    Believe her.
    Be guided by her.
    Hope this helps a bit ... I am not a therapist, just giving my own ideas from one who had been there.
  3. joshtillb

    joshtillb Member

    I try the best I can; sometime it’s hard to understand how she feels...looking back i see so many hints she has given me about her abuse. We still haven’t had the talk...we haven’t been doing so well lately :( i don’t know what the problem is...she seems so distant and short with me its like shes bipolar with me, hot then cold.

    I know this can be because she is scared of getting close, just as we have a good couple days she gets cold I can’t help but feel like IM not good enough, she simply isn’t interested or there is someone’s happened before

    We have been on and off for 2 years, she means soo much to me but its really taking a tole on me physiologically, emotionally and physically.I know It’s not intentional and she has no idea what she’s doing...i hate to say it but my loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts are worst on days like today when were hardly talking i was never like this before her.
  4. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    Josh, I know it must be tough for you, but think of how tough it will be for her to tell you. She's opened up so much to you, because she trusts you, she's just scared and insecure, she needs you to be strong for her. I understand you must feel insecure since you've been hurt in the past, but when someone opens up about their past, it's not a little thing. It's hard to talk about things like abuse even to someone you love and trust, actually, it's harder because you don't want them to think differently of you or hate you. I think most likely the struggles you two are having in the relationship currently are because she's trying to deal with the past and gain the courage to talk to you about it.

    She might think that once you hear everything, you may not like her anymore, and so she might be unconsciously pushing you away in fear. I know I unconsciously push people away because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them or not human or normal enough. I think you need to just do your best to be there for her. I know it's hard to put your own insecurities aside, but if you love her, you'll want to support her no matter what and try to be there for her to deal with her past. Asking for advice here shows that you really care, you have to be patient and just be there for her. The more she sees that you love her and her past doesn't matter, I think the more at ease she'll be, but also she may have developed fears about having sex and she might not want to get to close because she's scared that point will come. Just do your best to be there for her.
  5. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Reading your original post makes me want to cry. To think that there are boyfriends out there who care for their girls so much that they want to know just the right way to help them when they've been hurt - knowing people like you exist makes me so warm inside.

    I only have one suggestion, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way. When comforting her, try not to say things like "It's okay, at least you have me," or "Now you don't ever have to be sad, because I'm here." My boyfriend - who was nothing like you seem to be - used to tell me these things. He had me believing that since I was in love, there was no way I should be sad. so even though I was depressed and hurting, I pretended to be over it around him. I guess...just let her know that it's okay for her to be hurting, and no matter how hurt she feels inside, you still love her. You're not asking for the pain to go away, but you will be there for her all through it. I don't know, I guess I'm just speaking from experience.

    And really, thank you for brightening my own outlook on people. You are a kind soul, and I wish you and your ladylove happiness.
  6. joshtillb

    joshtillb Member

    It’s extremely hard right now. Mostly because I think were falling in to our old pattern, she has an Ex that she always seems to go back to and I’m left as collateral damage (this is why we have been on and off for 2 years), he was her first and I feel as if she’s very attached to him ,but she always gets hurt. Yesterday I found out they were still having sex when we had first got back together, I was really rattled. I knew she wasn’t a virgin but I didn’t know she was having sex regularly with him...(we haven’t had sex yet) ughhhhh this makes me feel like I’m being used emotionally and that hes turning to him for a "physical" relationship. I can’t be certain she is seeing him again but I have a feeling deep down this will time the third time.. Tonight she cancelled plans for tomorrow for no apparent reason and is being really cold, I’m better of talking to a brick wall lately

    I understand she's just scared and extremely insecure and I do feel like she is pushing me away, the one think that keeps my hopes up, is knowing that she’s never told anyone this before so I must be special, loved and trusted. I’m always there for her and I’m trying to be as patient as I can

    Oloriel- please doesn’t cry! lol I like to agree, I think that I’m doing the right thing, I really do care soo much. I completely understand what you mean, I can see how that would make you feel like as if you would have to hide your feeling from him and pretend to be over it.

    What I was thinking when I first read the problem i saw was the emphasis on “at least you have me “ and ” because I'm here."....if someone told me that I would be thinking well this isn’t going to last forever, what happens after that? ...just too much emphasis and dependence on someone else for it to “be okay”
    Thanks for the advice!
  7. joshtillb

    joshtillb Member

    and ive offically been dumped...well atleast i tired my best

    i know its really not right...but thinking of the effect it would have on her if i ended it right now, it sorta makes me happy. its sick and sorta twisted...i know
  8. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member


    I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it - please, PM me if you need someone.
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