My gf was sexually abused by her stepdad..

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Unique, Jul 29, 2007.

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  1. Unique

    Unique Member

    How do I cope with everything she has told me?

    It started when she was 5 years old, just the touching and then when she was 9 it went all the way. He would let his friends join in. She said it was the normal thing for kids around her area. He got her pregnant at 11 but she miscarried and then finally she told on him and he went to jail. However he's coming out next week. I think this is why she is wanting to commit suicide. She must be petrified. She hates that I know so much about her. I'm scared she will end up hating me. It's so hard to get my head around because I had a great childhood up until I was around 13.

    How can you get over something like this? I know the scars will never go away. Time doesn't seem to be a healer either. So what's left?
     
  2. You don't truly get over something like this 100 percent, I don't think. Like you said the scars will never go away. The only thing she can do is create happier memories for herself with loved ones. What's left is people like you who actually care and who join forums to try to find some sort of answer. That's what's left.

    It still hurts to think about but a person can move on and be happy.
    And your gf has coped for so long.. But him coming out of prison opened up old wounds all over again.It's normal for her to having a horrible time right now.
    I doubt she would end up hating you. If anything she probably hates herself for loving you so much. An adult abused her and stole away her innocence and her ability to trust. You're probably the most person she trusts in her life and loves. And this man is coming out. So it's connected in a way.
    You're not that man but you're still someone she trusts with her life.
    And this man has kicked alive fears again of not being able to trust anyone.
     
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I don't normally say anything on this subject. My step-father abused me too. My husband did not seem to know it affected all parts of me. You are not only a bf, but a real trusted friend. I ditto all the other things that were posted here. You cannot be her rescurer, by you have done a lot!

    I certainly do understand the fear and it is very true and valid. She has normal feelings!! There are other sources than suicide, as an option.

    You don't say what kind of area or town you live in. Look in the phone book for rape crisis information. If you are in a small place with little outreach, call the closest city for help. There are many 1-800 nbrs too. Even Psych hospitals can direct you. If you don't want to call the police anonymously (to get some sources), just please try to get someone to assist you in ADVOCACY for your gf. There are ways to find the right people & resources. Many towns, cities have a domestic violence shelter, center....these places can give you some I & R (information & referrals) WHAT TO DO for when this creep-man gets out :mad: and to keep him out of your sight. If you had more time, I would petition the court to keep him in, but for now, do what you can to make her feel SAFE.

    It's easy to say, She does not need to feel threatened for life. She can heal in some ways. She is very tough, but has a scar. I am glad that you wrote. People do care here and in the right places. It's just hard to find them. I hope this helps a bit. Please let her know she can come here to vent. I sincerely wish you both good luck.
     
  4. Darkness N Light

    Darkness N Light Staff Alumni

    Unique,
    First off I give you respect for actually posting this and asking for suggestions. I have been where your girlfriend is. Except it wasn't my step dad that was doing it. I live with my biological father and he let four of his friends rape me constantly. Like TLA said normally I do not say anything on this subject because, it brings back a lot of memories that I still have not dealt with. He would let them rape me just so he could get free drugs. Unlike her though I did not turn him in until it was way to late. Everytime I even went near a police station or a cop I would get the living crap beat out of me.
    The only thing you can really do is be there for her. Do not let her push you away like a lot of women can do when it gets time for the perpetrator to get out of jail. Second thing I would suggest is why not try to get a restraining order against him or even a CPO order which is like a restraining order but he can't come with in 5oo yards of her and if he does then he gets a really long jail sentence. I am not sure though I guess it depends on which country you live in. Like TLA said I would also try to get referalls or a number you can call for a crisis hot line. Let her know that we are here for her also if she needs to talk. Take care and I love you. :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss :hug: :cheekkiss


    With Love,
    Crystal :hug: :cheekkiss
     
  5. Unique

    Unique Member

    Wow, I did not expect so much advice. I am overwelhemed and thank you.

    In answer to one question. She was raised and grew up in North East England but after the court case, her mum and her moved to Scotland to live. Her stepdad isn't allowed to set foot into Scotland but that does not mean to say he won't. He is an awful man and will stop at nothing.

    To make matters worse, her new stepdad is his best friend. Yeh I wonder what is going through her mothers head too. :( The new stepdad physically abuses her and is on drugs. She just won't leave. She says it doesn't matter where she goes, she will be found. This circle of men are drug addicted thugs. She is only 17 and lost and confused. I'm all she has. :(
     
  6. Unique

    Unique Member

    Also she would kill me if she found out I was telling people all this about her. :sad: So no way could I let her come on here.
     
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    She may kill you, or she may be incredibly thankful to find a forum that is good for when she feels these fears of suicide. It is anonymous, that's why I like forums. It helps sometimes, to know others have been where you are at and share a little.

    :hug:
     
  8. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    it takes a lot for you to come on here and ask people for advice, so you deserve a lot of respect for that, my last serious gf was abused by her step-father at the age of 8/9, he also abused her 6yr old sister, touching in the night and things, until my (now ex)gf got the courage to tell her mother after having to lie there awake pretending to be asleep through his sick urges, i guess you've done the best thing by coming here to discuss it and seek help, i wish i had thought about it when i found out, i chose to go looking for him, which really didnt help my gfs state of mind or my own, hence her now being my ex. sorry, i've strayed, the best thing to do is talk to her, 1 on 1 calmly, let her know that shes not gonna be alone through anything and that you're going to be there every step of the way.

    i really hope everything works out ok
     
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