My God... I HAVE to die!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AnomymousX, Jan 25, 2009.

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  1. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    It makes sense now. The reason I always wanted to be a video game designer in the first place was because that's all I had when I was young. I didn't have too many friends. I was far too ugly to be associated with any girls.

    Seriously, how the fuck do I survive taking 100 pills?! Christ. I don't regret my first suicide attempt. Not one bit. Everything I do in life is thrown right back in my face. I literally hate my parents for having me. No joke.

    In elementary school, we had the classic "girls chase the boys" games. All the girls would chase and smother the other guys, while I pretended to be chased even though I was pretty much invisible. Sometimes, that's all a little kid needs, is just some peer attention. When you don't get it, it can stick with you for life, and you wish you could go back in time and find a way to get it, but you can't. You just grow older and older without it.

    I believe I have the world's worst karma. If I like a girl, she hates me for no reason. Seriously, I can't live this kind of life. People say that suicide is selfish. Well, I don't recall asking anyone, "Hey, can I be born?" I'm in an infinite vortex of shit. My life only got more annoying and meaningless after my failed suicide attempt.

    The longer I live, the more insulted I feel. It's my time to die. Sorry. My parents always tell me how they've had it worse than me. I believe them, but if I were in their shoes, I would've killed myself a long time ago.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're feeling so bad. Being a video game designer would be really fun. I'm sure if you keep up with your schooling you can get there.
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi . . . you write really well. . . i sure do understand how it feels to be invisible.....isn't that the worst?

    i am glad you are here. . . . reach out to us, there is always someone here - they really have helped me the past few days. . . .
    thinking of you. . . :hug:
  4. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Your post breaks my heart. I also know what it feels like to feel invisible and to want so badly to die. It's horrible. But I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes. It certainly sounds like you're hurting more than anything.

    I wish you could find one small string of desire to hold on. You are important. You matter. You're a beautiful person, whether you believe it or not.

    I send you a huge hug,
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anonomous,
    Looks aren't everything. Alot of women look for a sensitive, intelligent, self confident male. You say you want to make video games, so you do have a dream and a long term goal. There is no hurry to rush right into a relationship. You will know when she comes along, she will send you signals.
    What you need to focus on is to learn to be intimant with your self. If you don't love yourself first then women are going to pick up on that. Slow down and take your time, get your education, and then fulfill your dream. Once you have accomplished them then your confidence level will be a lot higher. Take care of yourself first. Stay Safe!!~Joseph~
  6. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Re: My God... I HAVE to die.

    I forgot to mention that it feels like life is purposely hiding females from me. Anything I walk into that has a female involved - opportunity shattered. Life, you may make me kill myself, but you won't turn me gay. I never thought that there would come a day where I feel infinite embarrassment just by being alive.
  7. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Re: My God... I HAVE to die.

    Don't do anything drastic. Try talking about it with people on here. One day (hopefully) you will look back on this and feel glad you carried on.
  8. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Hey man, I feel for you. You know, people with low confidence tend to think they are uglier than they actually are. And things can turn around. How old are you, man?
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, AnononymousX,

    I don't think you need to pack it all in and die...I think maybe the right opportunity and the right girl just haven't arrived in your life yet. They will.

    The chasing game in school, well, I'd chalk that one up to being kids. (Also, young girls can be strange creatures. They might chase around the guys they DON'T like and NOT chase the ones they DO like because then the other girls can't tease them about the guy they really like. :blink: Did that make sense...?)

    It seems that relationships often develop when we least expect them or try to make them happen.

    The best thing, though, is that you are a bright and kind person - you will find the right girl who will appreciate you at some point, so please don't give up.

    :arms: A.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Anonymous,
    Just wanted to let you know you have friends here and you can talk to me anytime you are feeling really low!! Stay Safe!!~Joseph~
  11. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Yeah right! I remeber the girl that used to chase me for kiss chasy, if I knew where she was today I'd be there lickady split marrying her and bonking her brains out :laugh:
  12. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    If u are having problems getting girls, do what I do and start buying prostitutes and going 2 strip clubs. Those girls don't discriminate. My life has been happier ever since I started doing this.
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Aren't you scared of contracting an STD from one of 'those girls?' :unsure:
  14. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    why are " those girls " in inverted commas? we know you look down on prostitutes but please don't.
  15. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Prostitutes and strippers can't give you true love. Just some pleasure here and there.

    I've missed a month of college now. This is because I have social phobias. I have been lying to my parents saying that I didn't have class all this time. This is an expensive college and my parents are paying for it. God, I'm a fucking horrible son... I'm gonna see if I can make up those credits during the summer. If not, my chances of becoming a software engineer are gone. If that happens, I will disappear forever.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I never said that I look down on prostitutes Soliloquise. I just would never pay one for sex. Everyone has to earn a living and if that is how they choose to, then more power to them. I was just quoting from Riteous' message.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Anomymous,

    How are you feeling today? :arms:
  18. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Yes, that makes sense. However, throw ME in the equation, and it makes no sense. I just wasn't liked. Hands down. If there were girls who liked me and hid it well, they get should get a reward. Still, I think the probability of that is around a good 0%.

    Like crap.
  19. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Re: My God... I HAVE to die.

    I know what you mean. Honestly, there are a lot of guys who go through this. I went through pretty much the same thing growing up. It isn't any better for me now. I'd be lying if I said it was but I learned to live with it. I don't know what it is. People tell you to just get out more and socialize more and whatever. It never worked for me so I just gave up on it and learned to be relatively happy with myself. Sometimes I really do think some of us put out "bad vibes" or something.

    An interesting story. I once screwed it up with a girl who actually liked me! I don't know how I did that. She liked me until I found out she liked me. Not knowing how to act around her, somehow, I turned her off. There's really no explanation for how this stuff works. It's not your fault. It'd be a shame to kill yourself for having bad luck with women. Seriously. There's no shame in redirecting your energy into something else you like.

    And if it's really that important, I've seen men go from being totally unattractive to women when they were young to being babe magnets when they get a little age on them. Women tend to like happy, successful, mature men. You haven't necessarily lost the game if you're still young.
  20. AnomymousX

    AnomymousX Well-Known Member

    Forget it. Life is just a never ending cycle of stereotypes and "I'm cooler than you" loops.

    I haven't even gotten my driver's license yet... This is a 19 year old speaking here. Don't matter, I don't want to go anywhere anyway. I only know one thing, video games. Nothing more. Nothing less.

    Life runs like this: pretty girls always hang out with other pretty girls, they travel in packs. Oh GOD FOR BID if a not-so-pretty girl wants to be their friend, the pretty girls will not accept. Pretty goes with pretty. Ugly goes with ugly. I have never seen this pattern broken. Sometimes I think life is the one that failed me instead.
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