When you have nightmares like I do almost every night, dreaming of your trusted family member raping you, forcing himself on you, telling you that this is what being a boy is all about, letting other guys feel of you, and other acts that I just can not go into details - then as you go through life, your mom leaves you at the age of five locked up in the basement until someone finds you after four hours - your step mom of 12 years beating you, locking you up in your room for hours - kids at school calling you every name in the world, beating up on you - your aunt and uncles and grandmother telling you that you are worthless, a poor excuse of a son, you should have never been born, you don't deserve to be alive, etc - and then you have a x who tries to strangle you to death, throwing objects at you, cursing you and then now - my soon to be x of five years of marriage seeing another man for over a year and a half - always screaming at you, telling you that all her friends at work says your a very ugly, disgusting poor excuse for a husband and that the wife can do so much better, etc etc -
I have kept all this bottled up for so long and then after seeing a pdoc and bringing it out, well, the torment of the dreams, the family telling you that they don't want nothing to do with you, not being able to see ANYONE on my dad side of the family for over 18 years because of what my uncle did - not being able to go to my grandmothers funeral or speak to her since the age of 12 - noone on my mom side of the family even knows me or says I'm the poor S.O.B of the man whom my mom used to be married too etc etc...and my relative telling me at my fathers funeral that I should be the one dead, and that I've caused my dad so much grief that I killed him, that I'm a low life S.O.B who deserves to be laying in the casket instead..........I don't know how much more of this I can handle! The pain hurts so deep! And now other issues has arised that is making everything even worse! Now I've been diagnosed with multiple illnesses (Bipolar, Mood disorder, Depression), no medication - been trying to find a job over a month and NO ONE has called! I'm about to loose my car, can not get NO financial assistance from the state I live in. I have no food money and can not get food assistance. NOTHING! What else is there to live for!
