My grandfather has passed away

[nicesinging1]

Hello, everyone. I have been away from a forum since Nov. 1st. It is due to having to rush to see my grandfather on the West Coast. He passed away few hrs before I arrived to see him. I last saw my grandfather in NYC last December when he paid a visit to my Apt. He was 93. I still remember seeing him right in front of me and talking to him face-to-face. I even walked with him right outside my Apt. Now he is gone. He always accepted me despite how flawed I am compared to my successful siblings and cousins.
Seeing him on his deathbed and in a casket still couldn't make me cry with tears. I don't know why no tears came out of my eyes despite feelings of sorrows and sadness. I guess my tears have disappeared long ago in my personal crusade against my inner demons. Every day, I wish and think about just dying already. Seeing death right in front of me doesn't change a thing on my desire to just end my life. How my family and relatives look down on me in contrast to successful siblings and cousins compounds my desire to end my life.
Grandfather, I am sorry for missing your last breath. But I saw you lying on deathbed and in a casket and touched your hands. Thanks for always accepting me despite my so many frailties. I don't see myself living much longer at the age of 30. I know my death is a matter of time as my determination to die gets stronger by day. I will live every day with your memory and hopefully we will be reunited again soon after my death.

In memory of my grandfather.

-Hank-

 

[pickwithaustin]

Hey Hank.
Sorry to hear the sad news. Many were worried about you, so it's good to hear that you are safe and sound.

 

[lightbeam]

So sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing, Hank. Come visit us in chat when you feel up to it, and we will be able to help you get through this difficult time.

 

[total eclipse]

Your grandfather saw you for you hun a caring person and only wanted the best for you. Tears will come when there ready hun but he knew you loved him hugs to you

 

[Sadeyes]

This must hurt do deeply...your family should be ashamed of themselves...anyone who would want you to feel that way should not be people you consider worthy to listen to their input...I would love to call them and give them a piece of my mind (although I have little to share lately)...your siblings who appear 'most successful' are probably not as caring and empathetic as you are...I wish there was a way for us to convince you that you are good just the way you are...this is when I hate cultural influences, and how they define success...again, so sorry for your loss and hoping we get to share you a lot longer

 

[jxdama]

we love you here hank. you are the best

 

[Prinnctopher's Belt]

Hi Hank, I'm so sorry to hear about this loss. I know it's hard to cope now, but I hope you can find the strength. All of your friends here miss you and share in your sadness. You can talk to us any time. :console:

 

[houseofcards]

Oh, Hank, I'm so so sorry. I wish I was on SF more often to talk to you and help console you

 

[Kiba]

Hank :console: I am sorry We are here for you.

 

[Acy]

I just saw this. I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have strong, good memories of him when he visited your apartment. Will be thinking of you. :hug:

 

[mulberrypie]

Hello. This is a very late response, but I hadn't seen this thread. I'm so sorry for your loss, Hank. I know it really hurts to lose people that we love and loved us despite our self-perceived flaws. Their suffering is gone and it becomes ours. It's also unfortunate that your family, like so many, measures success in the wrong ways. I'm sure your grandfather was a wise man and knew you were a person of great character. I'm sure he was very proud of you. May he rest in peace.

 

[prakash]

Hank, sorry to hear your grand dad passed away. We all will pass away one day. So take consolation and dont get too depressed.