About 7 years ago now, I was living at university with 11 other people in the most soulless hall of accommodation I have ever imagined, this was just as my depression was starting for the first time, before I really understood what it was. In this flat was a girl, she was dealing with a whole hell of a lot herself. I did what I could to keep her happy and keep her going, I chatted to her, watched TV with her, tried to let her know that there was a support net. I know I have a rather strong saviour complex, but it has never sat right with me to leave someone to crash and burn if you have the resources to help, sure there is a point I draw the line, but that's a whole different story. Anyway, one day paramedics appear at the flat, it turns out someone had put them onto the fact that she had decided to kill herself. Unfortunately, she wasn't in her room, she wasn't anywhere, so they left, to them, this was over, but she was my friend, so I phoned her friend, got the story, then phoned her and to my delight she answered, but to my horror she had already carried out her plan, she had time, her method wasn't quick, but left to it, she would die, so now came the test: Can I save her? The information I had so far was the specific method of suicide, and where, roughly, she was, I also knew she was serious because people who aren't serious don't do such a thorough job of it. She was somewhere in the capital city, a full 3 hours away from me, there was no point trying to find her, even if I could locate her in a city THAT size without her help I would never get there in time, I also didn't know anyone who lived closer, the only choice was to convince her to save herself. You can probably guess from the thread title that she didnt perk up and say "Sure Dante, I will just hop off down to the hospital now". After the first time she hung up on me she answered the phone again rather quickly, but the more this happened, the more times I had to ring before she answered, until she stopped altogether. By this point I knew she had found an out of the way place and didn't have long left, and would not answer her phone again. Game Over. I got myself a drink, sat in front of my TV and watched something. I dont remember if it was a film or a tv series or in fact anything about it, I just sat there, watched the television and then got up and went to bed where I slept until the next morning. I had no trouble getting to sleep. The next morning I found out that she had been found by pure luck. Someone had stumbled into an alley and found her lying unconscious and got her help in time to save her life, a couple days later she turned up at the flat again and I helped her cover with the others for her absence. She thanked me for my efforts, and for not telling anyone, but inside all I could think was how little I felt about all of it, how I had just watched TV, how I had failed to save her when she needed me, when her very life depended on it, and how I had slept so soundly without even a bad dream. I know she is still alive, in fact she is happy now with a kid and a guy who loves her, she tried to stay in touch at first, but I have never and will never forgive myself for my failure and hanging around her was too strong of a reminder. Luck is no excuse, people live and people die, but when a person's life relies on you and you fail, no other knight in shining armour will salvage your disgrace. Yes she was found, and yes she is alive, but since that day I have counted her life against mine. This was not a win, if it were on my shoulders alone she would be dead, and even though it does nothing to relieve my sense of responsibility, I know that logically I am not to blame, but even logic cannot save me from how I reacted, how calmly I watched TV, how unconcerned I was when I went to sleep, and just how long it took me to think of her the next morning. I am not looking for anything, no consolation, no convincing that I am blameless, I know the facts of the case and my own principles hold me accountable regardless, I merely posted this because it came to mind, and because I am having a particularly bad day today so it felt appropriate.