I never thought I would be like this. I have great parents and great friends, but I can't stop thinking about ending my life, even though I know it'll devastate everyone around me. I have been in many relationships before that didn't turn out as planned, but because I was always positive and didn't let it get me down for too long. 3 years ago I met the girl of my dreams. She loved me so much and I loved her. She had planned on saving herself for marriage, but since she loved me so much she gave me everything. About a year and a half into the relationship I moved out of town for graduate school. I loved her, but I wasn't able to ignore the constant advances of another woman in my class. I still loved her but I just was too weak, and got way over my head. It started with studying then to hanging out, it was like I dated her, but the furthest it went was 2 makeout sessions. I cut ties off with her, but still wanted to remain on good terms. I was immature and dumb. My girlfriend moved up to go to the same graduate school as me. She found out I was dating the other girl, but she forgave me. Gradually, we fought more, and I getting tired of it. She always brought up marriage which I wanted as well, but I didn't want to feel pressured. When I got into medical school I planned on marrying her, but being on waitlists and no acceptances I didn't want to get married with no certain career. She later broke up with me because I was taking her for granted, but I promised I would stop taking her for granted and we got back together. Still I ended up falling into the same traps. I loved her and wanted to marry her, but I was stressed and some days I just wanted to be left alone. A month ago she found out that I lied when I said I didn't have any physical contact with the other woman. She broke up and ended up going to a mental institution for a week. I visited her everyday. When she got out she flipflopped about us everyday. I know I messed up, but I grew from it and understand what I had and what I need to change. I proposed to her and she said I'm too much of a risk even though she wants to say Yes. Now the pain of knowing I messed up everything floods my thoughts everyday. I don't understand if she still loves me why can't she just give me one more chance. This isn't the same as the last time. And I keep thinking how I ruined my future. She wanted to elope this summer despite everything, until she found out I hooked up with the other woman. I hate myself so much, more than she could ever hate me. However, she is still caring about me. When I feel like I want to hurt myself she asked me to call her. I call her or she comes over to talk me out of it and I'm fine for a day or two...but then the reality of what has happened catches back up with me. She's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with, but after I talk with her the feelings come back and I can't move on. Additionally, we still see eachother weekly. I just don't understand why she won't give me another chance and I'm left hating myself with so much pain that I just want to take the easy way out and feel nothing. Sorry for burdening you with my story, but I'm so lost and confused.