my guilt is killing me

I never thought I would be like this. I have great parents and great friends, but I can't stop thinking about ending my life, even though I know it'll devastate everyone around me.

I have been in many relationships before that didn't turn out as planned, but because I was always positive and didn't let it get me down for too long. 3 years ago I met the girl of my dreams. She loved me so much and I loved her. She had planned on saving herself for marriage, but since she loved me so much she gave me everything. About a year and a half into the relationship I moved out of town for graduate school. I loved her, but I wasn't able to ignore the constant advances of another woman in my class. I still loved her but I just was too weak, and got way over my head. It started with studying then to hanging out, it was like I dated her, but the furthest it went was 2 makeout sessions. I cut ties off with her, but still wanted to remain on good terms. I was immature and dumb. My girlfriend moved up to go to the same graduate school as me. She found out I was dating the other girl, but she forgave me. Gradually, we fought more, and I getting tired of it. She always brought up marriage which I wanted as well, but I didn't want to feel pressured. When I got into medical school I planned on marrying her, but being on waitlists and no acceptances I didn't want to get married with no certain career. She later broke up with me because I was taking her for granted, but I promised I would stop taking her for granted and we got back together. Still I ended up falling into the same traps. I loved her and wanted to marry her, but I was stressed and some days I just wanted to be left alone. A month ago she found out that I lied when I said I didn't have any physical contact with the other woman. She broke up and ended up going to a mental institution for a week. I visited her everyday. When she got out she flipflopped about us everyday. I know I messed up, but I grew from it and understand what I had and what I need to change. I proposed to her and she said I'm too much of a risk even though she wants to say Yes.

Now the pain of knowing I messed up everything floods my thoughts everyday. I don't understand if she still loves me why can't she just give me one more chance. This isn't the same as the last time. And I keep thinking how I ruined my future. She wanted to elope this summer despite everything, until she found out I hooked up with the other woman. I hate myself so much, more than she could ever hate me. However, she is still caring about me. When I feel like I want to hurt myself she asked me to call her. I call her or she comes over to talk me out of it and I'm fine for a day or two...but then the reality of what has happened catches back up with me. She's the only person I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with, but after I talk with her the feelings come back and I can't move on. Additionally, we still see eachother weekly. I just don't understand why she won't give me another chance and I'm left hating myself with so much pain that I just want to take the easy way out and feel nothing.

Sorry for burdening you with my story, but I'm so lost and confused.

 

hi and welcome to the forum. there is a thread on guilt which you may find beneficial as i know its a horrible demon.

i dont mean to sound unsympathetic but you admit to cheating and wonder why your gf wont give you another chance. have you cheated in the past? just wondering if its a pattern. i am assuming that the fact you want to go to med school means you have a caring disposition but getting into or going to med school would require a great deal of effort and workload and maybe the pressure of this is affecting the way you see things. how would you feel if your gf cheated on you and lied to you. dont know what field of medicine you interested in but what would you say to a patient that told you this same story. when you break trust, love is not always enough to get over it, everyone is different, maybe in time she will forgive you but the fact that you lied to her...she was bound to be upset. you realise your mistake...remember it...and give her time and space to see how she feels, pressure on her will push her further away. in the meantime, if you are genuinely sorry, dont beat yourself up, everyone is human and makes mistakes, its how we learn from them that makes us who we are.

i am sorry you are feeling so bad...and i am not judging you, trying to help you get things in perspective. its tough losing someone cos of something we did...and guilt is the demon that consumes us, you just have to fight the demon to see the bigger picture.

keep posting how you feel and shout at me if i have misunderstood but please understand I AM NOT judging you, just a fm explaining how i would feel in the same place as ur gf...:console:

 

Hi and welcome to SF..
You need to prove to your GF that you sincerely loved her and try not to break her heart again.. Just let her know about your intention to have a stable career with the medical profession and your medical school waitlists and try stop seeing the other woman.. Females tend to be jealous and angry if they saw/knew that their BF is seeing another female..

* I was a female ex-medical student*