so, yeah. I started to become severely depressed and suicidal at age 12 but didn't get any help bcuz my parents didn't want to deal with it It was bcuz I thought I didn't have any friends and everybody hated me (which was not true) but for some reason I was convinced that everybody thought I was just dumb It progressed into my teen years to the point where I really didn't have friends and I reverted to horrible methods to deal with it This year I made some friends. They're the greatest people I have ever met and are super supportive. I started to get really happy, and was able to overcome addictions and make positive change in my life. I thought I was going to be fine. But this was when I was seeing them almost every day bcuz of school. Summer came and I didn't talk to either of them for a month. By the end of that month, I was slowly falling back into depression. I texted them a bit, like once a week or less, but it wasn't nearly enough. I moved to a new house and life seemed really peaceful for a bit, but then I started having the urge to draw a lot, which is my coping mechanism when I'm sad. I felt a little better bcuz I got to see my friend with the new school year but only for a week and we didn't talk much and my other friend transferred to a new school. I hit a week long period of depression, then sort of came out of it and felt calm, then I hit this day where I felt like my head was exploding and the depression hit me hard. That was like 3 weeks ago. It's lasted since. I have had happy moments- I got to hang out with my friend finally but as soon as the next day came, I was way depressed again. Then it got so bad that I ended up texting my friends sort of just hinting at suicide and that I was feeling down bcuz I was 99% sure I was going to kill myself the next day. They were super nice and the next day I got to hang out with them and I told my friend about my depression. I thought things were going to be okay, the next day I was super happy bcuz we were supposed to hang out again, but then it didn't work out And my mind slowly collapsed again and that is where I am now. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to be thorough. However, it's actually a lot more severe than I've described. I don't know what to do. People say to just love yourself and find hobbies and be grateful and all this stuff but I just can't do it. I have no energy; I think about killing myself constantly. The only time I'm able to concentrate, breathe, relax, smile, anything positive is when I'm with my friends or a bit afterwards. Otherwise I'm dead. My friend told me I could call anytime, but I really don't want to bug him. And it's not just that, but I'm afraid of falling into emotional blackmail. If I start talking too much then I'll probably end up manipulating him into sticking by me 24/7 I don't want to do that bcuz I genuinely care about him and want a healthy relationship.