My happiness depends on other people

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Orangepyro, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. Orangepyro

    Orangepyro New Member

    so, yeah. I started to become severely depressed and suicidal at age 12 but didn't get any help bcuz my parents didn't want to deal with it
    It was bcuz I thought I didn't have any friends and everybody hated me (which was not true) but for some reason I was convinced that everybody thought I was just dumb
    It progressed into my teen years to the point where I really didn't have friends and I reverted to horrible methods to deal with it
    This year I made some friends. They're the greatest people I have ever met and are super supportive. I started to get really happy, and was able to overcome addictions and make positive change in my life.
    I thought I was going to be fine. But this was when I was seeing them almost every day bcuz of school.
    Summer came and I didn't talk to either of them for a month. By the end of that month, I was slowly falling back into depression. I texted them a bit, like once a week or less, but it wasn't nearly enough.
    I moved to a new house and life seemed really peaceful for a bit, but then I started having the urge to draw a lot, which is my coping mechanism when I'm sad. I felt a little better bcuz I got to see my friend with the new school year but only for a week and we didn't talk much and my other friend transferred to a new school.
    I hit a week long period of depression, then sort of came out of it and felt calm, then I hit this day where I felt like my head was exploding and the depression hit me hard. That was like 3 weeks ago. It's lasted since.
    I have had happy moments- I got to hang out with my friend finally but as soon as the next day came, I was way depressed again. Then it got so bad that I ended up texting my friends sort of just hinting at suicide and that I was feeling down bcuz I was 99% sure I was going to kill myself the next day. They were super nice and the next day I got to hang out with them and I told my friend about my depression.
    I thought things were going to be okay, the next day I was super happy bcuz we were supposed to hang out again, but then it didn't work out
    And my mind slowly collapsed again and that is where I am now.
    Sorry this is so long but I wanted to be thorough. However, it's actually a lot more severe than I've described.
    I don't know what to do. People say to just love yourself and find hobbies and be grateful and all this stuff but I just can't do it.
    I have no energy; I think about killing myself constantly.
    The only time I'm able to concentrate, breathe, relax, smile, anything positive is when I'm with my friends or a bit afterwards.
    Otherwise I'm dead.
    My friend told me I could call anytime, but I really don't want to bug him. And it's not just that, but I'm afraid of falling into emotional blackmail. If I start talking too much then I'll probably end up manipulating him into sticking by me 24/7
    I don't want to do that bcuz I genuinely care about him and want a healthy relationship.
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Lots of things to consider isn't there! You sound as if you have managed to hold off a lot of the systematic symptoms of depression until recently. What tends to happen is that you get down and you start to believe you are not worth much or are doing something wrong. Even when your back up this sticks with you and it affects your actions. It can lead to you pushing others away for different reasons and then loneliness sets in. Couple loneliness with a bout of depression and the cycle starts again but worse. You may start to self bully and lose energy. This isn't true for everyone but it's common and from what you write it sounds apt. You sound like you have a very supportive friend and this is tantamount to recovery. The fact they already know about your depression is a milestone reached. What you need to think about now is suppressing/curing the depression so you can learn to like yourself again. You can then begin to get out of the cycle.

    It's small steps and I can say a good next one would be to ask if your friend would help with you getting some medical help. This will enable them to help you out and likely bring you closer together. Keep posting!
  3. Orangepyro

    Orangepyro New Member

    Thank you for the reply :)