My head feels so screwed up.. *Poss Trig*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Sep 23, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I just needed to vent some of this shit out here..

    I've been going to a IPS (Intention Peer Support) training so I can start working at the Warm Line, a peer support line, after I complete it.

    So some of the topics can be very triggering.. About Self Harm, Suicide, Foster Care, the Mental Health System, Drug Use, Abuse, etc..

    And then I am trying to learn how to communicate with people better.. meaning mutually.. and the purpose is to learn how to learn from each other and see each others "world view" and connect.. Coming from a point of not knowing or assuming they are acting or feeling they way they do..

    But all of this and the topics and stories shared have been really messing with my head, how I myself when I get home should communicate with people.. I keep trying to think about how I'm saying things when I can.. And not intentionally.. I feel like it's changing the way I think completely.. And I'm not sure to feel good or bad about it..

    On the other this training has brought up a lot of past memories for me and emotions.. That I'm sometimes struggling to deal with..

    I at times get urges to go back to self harm and cut myself.. I may end up crying and breaking down and feels as thought I'm lost in my past for a while.. I get internal screams telling me I want to die.. from that past as well.. My anxiety may skyrocket..

    And I am getting so frustrated with it.. All the information I am trying to learn.. And all the emotions it is bringing up.. And I'm getting confused..

    I just.. I needed to say that.. I just needed I guess ppl to understand where I'm coming from.. If I say something I'm just kinda on edge.. at times want to explode.. And i am needing to vent a LOT lately.. Usually more in person.. But I just..

    I feel bad because I feel as thought I've lost my ability to communicate the way I want right now because it's changing.. and I am sorry if I end up hurting anyone..

    I'm just trying to work thru all this.. and it's really difficult..
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    of course it would be so very triggering for you hun. Have YOU talk to someone about how this is affecting you Have you got supports in place to help you deal with these triggers when they come. I think you would be an excellent peer support hun but you have to make sure you have a plan for you to help you stay stable okay if that is extra therapy time then make it okay hugs
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have supports, I just don't really want to see my therapist all the time.. and I don't want them to suggest me go back on medications because part of my past history and trauma comes just from the mental health system itself.. and I am sorta afraid I guess to see my therapist more often..

    I do have the line I can call when i need and u guys here.. and things I can do to reduce the stress.. Like walks.. I am just needing to vent a lot.. In order to kinda get thru this..

    And right now I feel so lost in my own words.. I'm just blah.. Idk what I'm rly saying anymore.. I feel tired atm so maybe Ill take a nap.. idk.. Just.. I feel alone a bit too.. have missed talking to ppl here.. idk.. I am managing.. I don't wana leave anyone here.. And seems like since training and other been busy and have lost touch some ppl.. Idk.. all think atm is tired and sleep.. prob nap now..
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2011
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You keep venting reaching out here okay hun we are always here for you hugs
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Feel fucked up still.. not sure what to do about my relationship with my gf either.. Just.. blah..

    Have all this shit in my head now.. Head says "Just.. Die.." right now..

    I have to get this damn homework done from my training by Monday..

    I feel like all my relationships are messed up since being so busy with this training..

    Haven't been seeing my friend Julia for a while.. then my gf and I.. and ppl on SF.. I feel so alone.. I feel like I'm not connected to anyone anymore..

    I want to smoke more.. I get urges to self harm sometimes.. Get thoughts in my head to die..

    I don't like being so alone.. I just.. I need people.. I feel useless without people.. I just don't know what to do...
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: I hope chat is doing you some good today. I know you're having a hard time, so good to see you make this post. :]
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I don't know.. I feel like.. people know me.. but I don't know.. I feel like I just need people to be here.. be around.. I don't understand myself.. I just feel so useless.. :cry:
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Want to smoke.. really considering it.. But woke up sore throat middle night last night cuz allergies and I have asthma.. So.. If I smoke.. the allergies and the smoking may trigger my asthma worse.. Might end up in ER.. Don't have an inhaler.. but still srsly considering.. sigh..
  9. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    Hey, Swift... I don't know if this will be useful to you, but a buddy of mine switched to an electronic cigarette nicotine delivery system. You still get the soothing effect, but without the tar and particulates. My other friend used E-cigs as a stepping stone to quitting completely. Just an option, 'cause emergency rooms are no fun.
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm not really addicted to smoking.. I go smoking now and again every few months or so.. and I really don't have the money for those kinds of things.. But thanks tho.. it's a great idea..
  11. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Feel like shit.. Supposed to do my training home work by tomorrow and I just.. I can't.. I'm so stressed out..

    First yeah, the training.. And I found out that the work they are doing at our apartment complex is actually going to include the inside dividers.. and they aren't setting up room for people to stay when their places are being done.. So I need to clean up this place.. And also move all my valuables.. cuz they said they wont be liable for anything damaged or missing.. So fucking.. shit..

    Then I have another anime convention October 6th.. So plan for that.. But thing is I really don't know when they will be working on my building yet.. And since our building is so old I'm not even sure they will be able to just fix what is already existing.. There's been so much rot damage and shit happen.. broken and rusted pipes.. Then add winter months coming.. so.. I mean I was told one guy tried to climb on our roof and almost fell thru.. So I'm wondering if when they try to fix some stuff if this place is even going to stay standing.. I guess they said it was built in '58 or something..

    So I guess the plan is move stuff poss to a friends up in the other building of one beds for now.. But I am just so stressed because I got to clean up everything here and then what about the cats? And then all this.. And training homework.. And final project.. And I don't know what to do..

    I smoked a cigar.. and small part of another one.. Spent last on my money on 2 cigars and a red bull energy drink.. I feel like cutting.. But I know I shouldn't.. I want to smoke more, but I wont have any left when my anxiety skyrockets at the training next 2 days.. I don't know what to do.. I can't think and I just can't handle anything.. One moment I'm OK.. Next I just want to break down again.. :(
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    UGH!!!! I'm fucking USELESS!! I feel avoided.. the cats are PISSING ME OFF!! The kitten took out the power cord my comp.. they been peeing on my shit.. and fucking power struggle.. I don't KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! They have peed on my fucking bed.. my place is a disaster.. I tried to do my hw and FML!!! No one to fucking talk to.. Just tried to talk gf today and yeah.. did mange to get some stuff straitened.. but I'm UGH!!! SICK OF IT!!


  13. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: And dang... I'm really, really, really, really, really sorry to hear that the kitten is still peeing over everything. When is your homework and the project due?
  14. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    the homework due TOMORROW!! AND YES I DID JUST TRY TO DO IT... THE PROJECT DUE TUESDAY.. SO the fucking DAY AFTER TOMORROW!! and i haven't even STARTED!!! I'm just grrr... :cry:
  15. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: Do you know anything that might help you try to get it done in time?
  16. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    My head hurts.. I feel sick.. :blub:
  17. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    What is the homework and the project for?? Was thinking maybe you can turn it in later... or talk to someone or something idk.
  18. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Its for the IPS training.. and so is the final project.. ugh.. I need to calm.. i wana puke.. :(
  19. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    What happened when you tried to do it? Were there distractions.. just not feeling well, etc.?
  20. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Kitten got annoying.. decided to mess with computer cords when was getting it out.. Peed on my blanket.. I stuck her in bathroom.. then tried again.. Just.. I can't focus.. I got some of it done.. But I also am not sure exactly what parts I'm supposed to do.. they weren't very specific.. and its actually 3 days worth hw.. So I'm rly confused.. Just started from beginning book and did from there a few.. But I also just can't think right now.. and also one ask for an example and I couldn't think of one so made it hard to answer any the following questions.. I just can't think..

    And I smoked bit ago.. and I feel dizzy...