my head is a mess...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by nz10040, Jan 2, 2009.

  1. nz10040

    nz10040 Member

    i thought i would have to write this under suicide my i think loved & lost would be more accurate since thats where it all started from.

    im not sure what im looking for after writing on here...
    what i mean is that i do not know if i need people to understand me or help me, ugh i just dont know what i want to hear or if i even need to... i think what i want is just get it out of me in hopes that i will feel at least a tiny bit better.

    well it all started on december 17th, 08 when i heard from a friend that some guy committed suicide from his school. i didnt seem to react to that in any way except for just saying something like "oh wow". On the next day i didnt go to school so i went to facebook and were just browsing around my friends profiles and came upon one which had a record of that person writing on that guys wall (who past away). i knew that it was him since my friend who told me about this said his name and it was a very unique and interesting name. with out hesitation i clicked and for my luck it actually took me to his profile since it wasn't privet or i was in his network or w.e. i looked through all of his pictures and he looked so happy and simply ALIVE, and thats when i started feeling that a few tears started rolling down my face. i waved them off and was just surprised with myself since im (WAS) not the type of person to dwell on someone elses loss. But that was just the beginning which i wasnt even aware of, when i started reading all the comments from his friends about how they miss him and that he was just and amazing person... i ended reading when i saw his last status update. " 'name'- is really sorry" and that line on top of that (people who use facebook understand what im talking about "the blue line that separates comments and so on") thats when my stomach dropped like 8712638123 miles underground, i stared at that line thinking its a line of life and death, hope and disappointment. I cried and cried, truing to understand why do people like me live and the ones that are so brilliant* have to go, ITS NOT FAIR. All i knew about him is that he was smart, happy and simply REAL kid. He shot himself. i listened to the song apologize- one republic over and over again and the images of him writing that status, kissing his 3 y.o sister ( found that out from a few other people), taking the gun and just walking a few miles from his house, putting it to his head, and :cry:. I feel like i was suppose to meet him some time in the future, we could of been friends or even more than that. This might sound weird and all but i have a very strong feeling that he was suppose to be part of my life and now he never will... i dont know its hard to describe this feeling.

    Since then i started having thoughts of suicide and that i dont really have a good future for myself, and my parents dont understand me AT ALL, even though some where deep inside i think could try to make something good of myself.

    Than a few days later i saw a movie Seven Pounds which made me hysterical.

    I stopped crying... i think even though i cried on new years when i got myself drunk in hopes to stop thinking about this so much. I know that i WANT to live but i also know that i have to change myself other wise i wont be LIVING i would just exist.

    I never wanted to admit, believe or just take into consideration that i am a jealous, lazy, selfish person. Inconsiderate and disrespectful at times to my parents. But now i want to change, at least try to change all those unnecessary retarded traits which btw i inherited from my dad FOR SURE.

    This whole thing made me different, made me think more and some how made me more confident. I know for a fact that i want/need to make a difference/change someone life. I want to be helpful...but i just dont know where to start and what exactly to do:confused:

    This is really long but thank you! if you read it all, it really means a lot to me.

    R.I.P. D.P. i really hope you found peace and happiness
  2. nz10040

    nz10040 Member

    okay so maybe i do want some feedback :unsure:
  3. CrowsCounted

    CrowsCounted Member

    if I could find an agnostic substitute for the expression: "the lord works in mysterious ways," I would probably insert that here. Even though you felt deep sadness at the choice he made, I think that even in death he must have touched more people than he couldve imagined. Maybe you finding his pictures allowed you to see some of his sadness and pain, maybe it was really his sadness that you felt through yourself. I think that being able to connect with someone you have never met or talked to or touched in the manner that you described goes to show how similar and how connected we all are when we stop to look a little deeper. So many never look inside to see the sadness in others hearts until it is too late. I think that sadness is meant to be shared, and it sounds to me that even through death he was able to do this and you were lucky enough (or were meant) to be part of it....