My head is spinning!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by angee, Jan 14, 2012.

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  1. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    My world has come crashing down at my feet this week! I really don't know what the hell i am doing?!?!? I am a single mum with Four cracking kids, 20, 18, 16 and 10, had no trouble with them... till now... not an asbo in sight! lol! Last weekend i had my heart broken. On monday my 16 year old son took speed and passed out at school and the next day my 18 year old son, who has cerebral palsey, the mind of a 7/8 year old gets arrested at school for illegidly raping his best friend!!! I have bad depression and anxiety, last April i died 3 times when i overdosed; i am so so scared that i can't do this, that i am going to get that low again! i can't fall apart... my kids need me but this is killing me! I am so confused and... i dunno its such a mess!!!!
    ADVICE GLADLY ACCEPTED!!!!!!
     
  2. mrlepus

    mrlepus New Member

    Hi,

    You're reaching out to the people on this forum; that's a good start. Who else can you reach out to in the short term?

    All the best,

    P
     
  3. Dreamland

    Dreamland Well-Known Member

    The absolute best advice I have ever taken (and will gladly give to you) is to immediately seek therapy. It doesn't have to mean getting medicated if you aren't comfortable with that, it's just really important that you see someone who is a professional listener in crisis situations like this. When your kids are going through trouble that's causing you pain, you'll need someone who really knows what you need to help support you. I cannot say enough about how much my therapist literally saved my life. If you seek someone as soon as possible, I have a lot of hope that you won't hit that low ever again! We love you!!
     
  4. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Hi,
    Im sorry that your world is all toppsy turvy right now. I agree with the advice of Dreamland about seeking therapy. Sometimes just talking to someone helps us to sort things out in our head. I also find that when I just write stuff down, it helps to clear my mind of the dreadful thoughts.
    Stay strong please. Your kids need you
     
  5. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    thank you, there is a two+ year waiting list for a therapist with m,y mental health unit. I have a cpn who pops in for a chat, she's ok and i have a few friends who i can sort of talk to but they are all going through their own disasters atm! I am on Sleeping tablets, two antidepressants and an anti anxiety med. My head is going crazy but my heart feels dead... i havn't cried! I havn't FELT anything other than panic and shock!!!! So i don't really want them to mess with my meds and end up a zombie again, i was with someone last time that happened so it wasn't too bad for the kids but i'm alone now! I feel like it's all my fault, i've thought for years that i'm fucking them up and look at them... my oldest is 20; unemployed and has depression, then there's my son awaiting a cps verdict, fair enough he is innocent but of all my kids to have to deal with being gay why my disabled child?!?! next the son who hides away, says he's depressed and takes drugs, my youngest is only 10 so its all to come yet!!! She crys cos she misses her dad so much! Maybe they would be better off with their dads?!?! i dunno...
     
  6. mrlepus

    mrlepus New Member

    Angee,

    I think it may be worth having a look to see what local support charities there are near you. Mind and Rethink are always options but local mental-health charities tend to be more responsive. Rethink certainly might be able to help (http://www.yelp.co.uk/biz/rethink-bridgend), however you need a care co-ordinator before they will step in. What's the situation with your GP?

    Take care.

    P
     
  7. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    my gp just tells me that the mental health unit is in charge of my care and to see them, i have an appointment on 23rd jan?? but my consultant is leaving at the end of the month so gotta start all over!
     
  8. mrlepus

    mrlepus New Member

    If nothing else get in touch with your local MIND:

    Merthyr and the Valleys MIND on (01685) 359183. Let me know how you get on...

    Take care,

    P
     
  9. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    I completely understand your frustration with the system. It totally sucks that you have to wait so long especially if you are in crisis. I hope the advice given by others is helpful to you. Im thinking nice thoughts for you today.
     
  10. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    thank you, all the help that is available is talking to my cpn or local crisis team and they can visit me regular for "chats" if i am in crisis i can go into hospital till i feel out of danger but thats it! i know i have been there with them last year when i fell apart big style! I really have no idea how to deal with this!!!! I don't know how to talk to my own son about it all! I don't know what i should be doing to help him and to sort things out!!! I suddenly feel like a child being chucked into a welsh school for the day not understanding welsh! bad analogy! soz heads gone!!!
     
  11. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i guess the truth of the matter is that i am a single mum of 4 kids, one disabled 18, one with depression 20, one acting up 16 and one missing her dad so much 10, i suffer with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, insomnia and self harm, i am doped up on 2 anti depressants, anti anxiety meds and sleeping tablets! I am addicted to smoking dope i go through an oz a week and smoke infront of my kids! i pay the bills, put food on the table and all that shit, to outsiders we look pretty good! But i do bugger all with my kids, i run in practical mode to get through each day; to get up out of bed, to get dressed and do everything. my own personal needs are not met and neither are my kids. i am now reaping what i have sowed. I have no idea what i am doing, what i need to do, i can think straight, i can't feel anything other than anxiety! I fell in love with a married man and had my heart trampled on! I am so self involved, selfish and lazy! Why can't i be like i used to.... i want to be able to FEEL love for my children... i was a good mum, i did so much with them, had time for them, talked to them! now they are strangers and i don't know how to help them through all this! I feel trapped! I want to run, bury my head in the sand cos i feel like i am going to brake if this carries on... i'll be on my own if i get like that again... all my friends and family that know how i get are all having their own disasters at the mo and are struggling themselves... i can't add to that! I dont feel strong enough to get through giving up dope... i feel so close to snapping!
     
  12. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    My head is going crazy... trying to find an answer... what is the best thing to do???? Would the kids be better off living with their dads; but that would be splitting them up! (oldest 3 with my ex husband and youngest with my ex) Could i move back up there? Their dads live in north wales... Chester and Rhyl. But i have so many ghosts up their; my dad lives up there, he sexually abused me as a child, my brother is up there and he sexually abused my daughter. Everyone i knew up there before we moved all know about my dad, because he was arrested for what he did but cps decided my aunt was too ill to give evidence for what he did to her and my case wasn't strong enough on its own. My ex's bitch and their daughter are up there... he got my 16 year old babysitter pregnant! But their dads are up their, my youngest's dad lives with a woman and her two kids in Rhyl and all his family live in Chester, they are very close to my youngest, my oldest 3's dad has a new wife and a new baby so they have a half sister. Down here there is my family but, through no fault but my own, we hardly see most of them. I am close to my aunt, she is more like a mum to me and her daughter is like my sis but they have their own shit as do i so we don't see each other much. I have very close friends here. the kids have friends here. God i don't know... they miss their dads and i'm not coping!
     
  13. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    My baby boy... accused of raping his best friend!!!! WTF!!!! My other baby boy is in trouble at school for taking dope, speed and for bunking off school!!!! My baby girl is struggling with depression, whilst trying to take all my troubles on her shoulders!!! My other baby girl is missing her dad so much and he has a new family that i have never met!!! What? Was my life not fucked up enough??? Did you look down on my family... look at the constant shit that life keeps delving out and say... "Ooo look at them! I can't belive they are still standing... just about... hmmm?!? let's see how much more they can take! Let's see how much it takes to make them CRACK!!!!!! My heart is dead and my head is so fucked up! What more do you want from me???

    How do i change? i have been like this for so long. I don't live... i hide away from everyone and everything, doing as little as possible, getting stoned to calm the panic. There is just sooo much!!! My whole life has fallen apart and my family is in pieces. It has been for a long time if i am honest with myself! I hid from that, pretended we were getting by; that the kids were fine, that i will be better soon and i can make everything ok then! But i didn't get better, tomorrow was never any different! I have been 'officially' suffering with depression and anxiety for 12 years in the summer! I had a breakdown late 2000. Every year something else would happen, each year i'd say the next one will be better! It didn't get better, the last few years have been hell! I don't know who i am or wtf i am doing! I am just cocking everything up! I can't keep doing this too them... i wish i hadn't been found last year... i wish i hadn't been brought back...
     
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