My heart hurts

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by christi, Jan 11, 2015.

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  1. christi

    christi Member

    Hi. I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Off my meds since August. I struggle with depression daily. Today is exceptionally upsetting. I hate my life. No one loves me. No one thinks I'm important. I don't know how to go on. I just want to feel special. This should be the most exciting time in my life. I feel so selfish. I don't want to hurt my baby, but I think about a longer term plan scheduled after delivery. I know my son would be well taken care of. He is already loved more than me.
     
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    :hug: It has to be hard to go off your meds and then have your body producing all sorts of hormones to add to your stress. You are special. You are creating a new and special person also.
    When I was pregnant I had a friend who would always say, "isn't it wonderful when you feel the baby move?" She made me feel so guilty. I hated feeling the baby move. I did not find anything about being pregnant enjoyable. Just like people every pregnancy is different and what will help each of us is different. As bad as hormones can make us feel it really surprises me that people manage to keep it together. When my daughter was pregnant there were some drugs they were thinking of putting her on that were considered safe. Remember to take care of yourself, not just your son.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi christi, it must be very hard dealing with this while having depression and expecting because they can't prescribe meds. Keep on fighting these thoughts, you ARE important and hopefully when you bond with your baby things will improve for you, best wishes and here if you need someone to talk with :hug:
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. So sorry to hear that you are suffering. Like Petal's says keep fighting. I know it's hard but remember you are not alone in your struggle. Keep posting, if you feel down as it will help you in your tough time. Be safe and take care.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2015
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Who has told you you are not special or is it just your depression sending you these distorted thoughts. YOU are very special you will be a mother soon and no one can replace a mothers love no one Have you talked to your doctor about the depression you are feeling.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Tough place to be off Meds and having all changes going on in you, hang in there. Welcome aboard.
     
  7. christi

    christi Member

    My husband is very mean. He tells me that it's not his baby. I can't prepare for the baby because he spends all our money on drugs and alcohol. He doesn't work. I don't think he's cheated, but he says inappropriate things to other women. Then he justifies it by saying they are childhood friends and I'll never be as important as they are to him. I don't want to live without his love. He threatens to leave me if I get upset about his behavior. So I guess I'm just supposed to hold it in. I hate my life. I'm starting to think I should just get it over with now. I don't want this baby raised to be like him. He'd be better off in heaven with me. He's secluded me from all me friends and family. They don't want me either because of him. And they're right. I chose him over them. Now I'm alone.
     
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are.suffering no doubt from mental abuse and feeling isolated. That's.not nice and you need to speak to someone. Isolation is horrible and please remember you are not alone as we can help you. Trust us you not suffering alone as you need to think about the welfare of your baby. The situation will change but you need to find a safe place for yourself and young child.

    Mind games are not nice. Can you go to a women's refuge in your area or speak to someone about the situation. Please keep posting as you are important and need the support in this difficult time.

    Just be safe, please..
     
  9. christi

    christi Member

    I don't want to leave. I just want him to love me. He doesn't want me to talk to anyone.
     
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can understand that but he's trying to control and alienate you. If he loves you then he would not worry about you seeing your friends. You need to be safe around him and not let him control you. (just saying in a nice way). You emotions are all over the place at moment. Keep posting please.
     
  11. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    :hug2: That is control and not love. You are more then lovable. Unluckily your husband is too wrapped up in his drugs to care about anything else. He is destroying his life and you cannot help him. You can help yourself and your son. I am sure some part of him loves you very much but that part is not in control now. The drugs are. Is is not your fault. The best thing you can do for him is to leave and let him hit bottom and decide he wants to change and have a life again. You need to spend some of that strength you have been sharing on yourself.
    You need to be somewhere safe. You need to feel safe.
    Sometimes real love means walking away for a wile.
    Be strong for yourself and the husband he could be without the drugs.
     
  12. christi

    christi Member

    If I leave, he'll just move on. He already told me he'd have another bitch by tonight. And then he will abandon my son. He'll disappear he said.
     
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Christi that is a very abusive and controlling relationship you are in. Please try and get out of it before the baby is born. He has said some nasty and vile things which you do not deserve, let him get upset, let him leave, you would be so much better without him, you are a far better person than he is and deserve better.
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Best if you son has no contact with him he is not going to be a good example or even care abt his son You need to get out of this relationship NOW ok for YOU and Your SON He will not change no way you need to change and find someone that will truly care for YOU and your son
     
  15. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    even if you are able to stop him from leaving you for now .. how long do you think it will last ? you think that man deserves you ? its possible to live without him ..
     
  16. christi

    christi Member

    I love him. I know he won't change. I just need to be better. I hate myself. I hate my life.
     
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's not you that you should be hating hun.I was in a relationship very like yours and in hindsight leaving him was the best decision I ever made in my life. He has no respect for you, saying the baby is not his, that's not love on his part. He should be very ashamed but he won't be because he can see you are vulnerable and he's taking advantage of that. He knows you won't leave because you've chosen him over your family,completely being an ass he is. You've already said you know he won't change so get out of that relationship for the sake of your unborn child. You will have your dignity and your unborn child to take care of. He is on drugs, he is not going to change unless he mans up and goes to rehab. I really do feel for you hun and I'm here for you anytime.
     
  18. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    Petal said it all ..
     
  19. Linny

    Linny Active Member

    Hey. I understand what it's like to love someone who doesn't show their feelings back. You want to believe they love you. They stay, so that must mean they care somewhat right? Everyone's telling you what you already know but it wont change the fact that you still love him. He may be absorbed in other things and he alienates you but you don't have anywhere else to turn, isn't that it? I get it. I understand what it's like to be in love with someone and you'll do anything for them and they wouldn't toss you a penny. And when they cut off your contacts, it gets even worse. Because you love them so much, you'll do what they ask without hesitation. It's completely understandable. You need help for the baby. This is your son. He's a part of you, and you're going to be able to tell him right from wrong. If you show him love and compassion and continuously tell him how much he means to you, he'll grow up to love you, not turn out like his father. That's how things work. It'll be ok .The one inside you loves you because he's connected to you closer than anyone else. He's nearest to your heart.
     
  20. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    One of the best things a parent can do for a child, is to be healthy themselves. If you don't leave your abusive partner, you will continue to be unhealthy. You need to be mentally, emotionally healthy to give proper care and love to your baby. You don't need anyone else's love. You can do it all by yourself. You can make friends again, even re unite with your family again even though it's hard. "You're braver than you think, stronger than you seem, and and smarter than you think" You and your baby deserve a wonderful, happy life. And the first step towards that is leaving your partner and finding a safe haven, whether that's a woman's shelter, or a family member. Good Luck! :pinkheart: :hugtackles:
     
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