My Hearts Racing.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by JustFirefly, Apr 18, 2011.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    So this is my first post. I do not know where i should post this...
    I am unsure if i should continue reading through things or let my pounding heart actually press the submit button.

    I have dealt with depression for many years now. But i have always felt weak and there are a lot of other factors in my life. For one I've always kept it to myself, So its not something a doctor has told me so I am even unsure i have it.

    Pretty much I'm not sure where I'm at. If i am Actually depressed or if I'm just being stupid..

    Suicidal thoughts are commonplace in my brain. They flutter around like a daydream. Food is something i try to avoid, counting and eating less then 400 calories a day until the day i give in and eat 5000+. That causes me to have an intense urg to purge. Ive never done it yet i feel like i get closer to doing it each time. I feel like i have to eat less and less. That is something that has just come up in the past few months (Ive always been weight conscious, Just always able to eat and control the cravings not to eat)

    Over the past few years Suicide has change in my mind. After constantly thinking about it its no longer a I deserve this. Its more of a... I'd describe it as a way out, Like is a pleasure that i wish i could have.
    The past few months I've been quicker to anger (my other has noticed this and is frustrated at it) I believe the anger is due to maybe depression But im unsure. Ive never been angry before really in my life.

    There are a lot of things I'm completely unsure of.

    I take sleeping pills... I wouldn't say I'm addicted to them, But then again it is also a stretch for me to say I'm depressed here when my other has pointed out that i am. Its difficult to even talk about it.

    Sleeping pills help me relax, But ones never enough. six to twelve. Sometimes more.
    I try not to do it on consecutive nights but thats getting harder and harder to do.
    Self harm is something that is, id say, pulling me into it. I want to but im to scared of what might happen to myself. I want the release but I am unable to accept that i might fall pray to it.
    Ive gone to great lengths to avoid sharp objects.
    There are none in my room, Almost none in the bathroom...

    In general I wasn't to worried about myself.
    I can handle myself and I feel that i wont get addicted to these things... Under normal circumstances.

    Lately Ive been under a huge amount of stress. Picture 100,000lbs pushing you from every side. Thats the best feeling.

    A lack of energy and emotion.
    Numbness almost? But not quite.

    In the past 2 years of my life I've gone through a relationship with an Ex Other that my Girlfriend would say was sexually abusive.
    Im not sure about that and ive never mentioned it openly before, Its something more private and also i wouldn't go into detail due to other people here who might have triggers.
    Both parents got a divorce (not that it matters to me) and are now both homeless / addicted to there respective safe havens (Mom to alcohol, dad to drugs)
    My parents are something that will always get to me (im 21 now)
    Both of them have not really taken care of me or helped me since i was 16. Praise was something i have always desired and never received really. Graduation (being the first in my family to graduate HS) they kind of told me Good job. My father hit me pretty hard that day. My other doesn't even know that... And my graduation gift was a suitcase...

    They refused to help me pay for anything... so i went from $0 to now owning pleanty... a place of my own... and everything. My brother is entering HS and there going to pay him to go to military school (what.. thats over 100x the amount MY college tuition is!?!?!) It just really struck home that I'm not cared about in my family..
    Which, when i was growing up was always a HUGE thing. That i am loved.. That I will always be loved.

    I guess thats just the more current issue...

    But.. Along with that ive also endured being kicked out, Used for money within my family.. Items stolen and yelled at.
    Going through lack of time (full time school + 50-60 hours at work)...
    I feel like all i do is work. I feel like a zombie. Empty.. Craving life..
    Its getting to the point were other people are noticing me looking off out the windows.. Wanting to be alone more..
    Sleep is something i always want. I never have enough.
    I cant seem to get work done...

    I dont know there are so many things that are happening right now.
    Im just overwhelmed..

    And i feel like im going to break soon. I dont want to say I Am things... Because i know its the first step into becoming it..

    I feel fat.
    I feel worthless..
    I feel used
    I feel like i need sleeping pills..
    I want to cut..
    I want to have a release of pain.
    I want all these things..

    I feel and want and i dont know what to do..

    I guess im just rambling. I know i scared plenty of people away with a big block of text... Sorry.

    Like i said it is my first post. Dont know what im doing... if i even post this.

    It makes my heart pound... And im so frightened at what the world will think, I want to fit in.

    What should i do?
    Am i depressed. I dont want to admit these things... I dont know what to do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you what you do is look after YOU okay start by going to a doctor and get diagnosed okay. Depression is treatable medication therapy and you will be feeling better in weeks YOU need to stop looking after everyone and look after YOU
    call your gp today tell him everything and get some help you deserve okay hugs
  3. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Its just nerve wrecking, I have not really told anyone as of yet. I don't know if i could find the strength to go to a doctor, Or if id even have the money (I've never had medical insurance).

    Moneys a pretty big issue right now...

    Its hard for me to go to a doctor just because i feel as if i would be singled out. Even if i know they are not going to do something like that.

    I don't really understand any of this.

    And i don't want to feel singled out. I don't want to feel abnormal from the world. I feel like people see me as someone weird and different.

    Bleh I'm just being stupid.
    But that sounds stupid to say.
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