Anatomy of an Eating Disorder 2:30 pm Cheeseburger and fries for lunch. Two diet cokes. 3:00 pm Purge in bathroom of restaurant, but only enough to feel ok enough to drive home. Drive home, think about food the whole way home. 4:20 pm Stop at Jewel and buy binge food. Spend a half hour panicked in store about what to get. Can't decide, all food suddenly scares me. Walk around until I decide to get: Chocolate milk, loaf of french bread, frozen cheese tortellini, 6 pack of buttercream chocolate cupcakes. 5:10 pm Go home, take dogs out, bring in groceries, eat two cupcakes, drink can of diet coke. Go to bathroom, urinate because I know I don't want to purge and loose control of my bladder. 5:30 pm Purge and Clean out sink. 5:32 pm Go upstairs, stare at computer screen trying to figure out what to say to you, end up thinking about food again. 5:55 pm Go back to downstair to kitchen, slice 1/3rd of the loaf of bread, butter, and eat while watching tv. 6:10 pm Slice another hunk of bread and butter, swallow practically whole. Drink another diet coke. 6:15 pm Begin to boil water for pasta, think about purging, stare at tv some more 6:25 pm Cook tortellini and sauce, slice a small piece of bread eat it while waiting for food 6:45 pm Eat entire bag of tortellini and another piece of bread with butter, drink another diet coke. 7:00 pm Purge everything up. Feel immediate relief. Already thinking about chocolate milk and another cupcake. 7:20 pm Wash up and clean sink again. Stand in kitchen and cry. 7:25 pm Take chocolate milk out of frig, briefly consider getting a glass, decide to just chug from bottle, grab a cupcake. 7:30 pm Finish 1/2 carton of chocolate milk and cupcake, get back up and grab another cupcake. Finish jug of milk. 7:40 pm Purge again. 7:50 pm Stare at computer screen and ponder what to say to you again. Feel like I have no words to describe this endless cycle. Think about how bingeing and purging reminds me of my dad. The simultaneous comfort and disgust of food, the lack of control, the disgust, and the relief of getting rid of it, and making it like it never happened. And then it happening again. 8:00 pm Feel sick , purge again. 8:15 pm Begin to write this email. Feel completely alone and worthless. Already thinking about the damn two cupcakes remaining in the fridge. Feel sick though, really can't eat anything else, comforted by the fact they are there though for later, even though my throat hurts, my sleeves are all wet, my hands are so dry and cracking from washing them a million times, and I am exhausted, I still can't stop. This is my life. And now it's only 8:38 pm. 8:39 pm Purge once more, it's nearly impossible to get anything up, give up. 8:45 pm Come back to this email, and wonder why I am telling you all this, realize it's because I don't know what else to do. Consider just deleting. Figure it can't hurt to tell you all this. Feel hopeless, secretly wish that I have a heart attack while purging, ashamed to tell you any of this, but also desperate for help. 8:51 pm Decide to send.