My honest reason for having no relationships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SadDude87, Apr 10, 2008.

  1. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Might aswell post this.

    I feel like a 'clutz'. Like, I can't fix my own car. I can't fix a clock. I don't know how to build things. I'm just not practical.

    I feel like this makes me less of a man. Like some kind of feeble idiot. I always try to hide this part of myself because I'm ashamed of it. The thought of dirving in a car with a woman and it breaking down terrifies me, because I know I won't be able to fix it.

    And it's to stupid. I know all it's all just a socially imposed gender construct. That the 'real man' is ever changing, that it really doesn't matter if I don't fit into a certain role. But it still bothers me, because I WANT to fit that role, no matter how I analyze WHY I still want to.

    What do the women think? I know the most unattractive thing of all is that my general confidence isn't high enough to stop something so small from bothering me - that if I didn't care about these deficiences the woman would not care, but the fact such a flaw has such a profound impact on me is ultimately more unattractive than the flaw itself. Right? It's the same as every other insecure person, it's not whatever fault they have, but the fact that the fault controls their life is why noone wants them ...
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well on a purely practical front, how about taking an evening class in car repair?
    At least then you would have a clue and wouldnt have to sweat if you had a woman in the car.
    Personally, if you were a member of AA or the RAC (dont know what the american version is but they come out and fix your car if you breakdown) I'd see that as a capable person.
    But there is so much more to a man than whether he can fix things:blink:
    Part of the whole stereotyping is that we women look to a man to be practical, ie. wallpapering, car mechanics etc. because our fathers could do all that. I think my dad is the handiest man I've ever met, but that doesnt mean I automatically disregard men who can't do those things.
  3. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Arn't you the guy thats married??? and besides cars arn't that hard buy one of those car repair manuals or check out some mechanic books from you local library.
  4. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Yeah I'm confused, i thought you were the guy who posted about missing his wife, etc. It's pretty obvious you can be in a relationship if you are or have been married.
  5. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Not me, don't know who you're talking about.
  6. Hey man, don't feel bad.

    When I first started my job in Public Safety, I didn't know how to change a flat tire. I didn't know how to change oil or how to check oil, how to check any of the brake fluids or washer fluids or anything else in the car. To top it off, I was about 5'4" 150 pounds and my hobbies before were playing video games and reading books.

    Sometimes you have to find something or someone that really pushes you and makes you do things you never thought you'd do because you want to be a better person.

    How old are you? I'm not saying it'll make you a man or that you should but Military Service whips people up real quick if you have the right ambitions and motivation.
  7. Flight

    Flight Well-Known Member

    I think there's a lot of guys who aren't handy at all. I'm not.

    When it comes to repairs or whatnot, alll I have is a willingness to try. I would need to refer to the instructions if I wanted to change my tire... but given instructions, I could probably bumble through it in time.

    Don't be afraid to ask any girls that are with you for help. Who knows, they might be familiar with a lot of that stuff. I'm sure a lot of girls would want to get involved and help if they can. It's not like most of them are too stuck up to change a tire. Chivalry is dead... and in some ways that's a good thing.

    Be humble about your abilities, and about theirs.

    I can't tell you for sure what a girl would think, but I'm guessing they wouldn't care. If they didn't like you to begin with, they wouldn't waste their time (potentially) trying to manipulate you into doing odd-jobs for them. if they did like you to begin with it would probably be quirky or cute at worst.

    Also - girly-men are in right now. Yay.
  8. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Ohh, that was SadDude1980
  9. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies. I do think a willingness to try is the best thing, but I have to get past the anxiety.

    Problem is, the idea of being seen as a girly man makes me sick. I don't want that. The only way I ever got respect was via my physical abilities, so to go from that to a girly man ... ugh. I guess I have my life to learn, but I have been telling myself that since 15. Never had the confidence to get out there and fix it. Thanks for listening.

    Oh and I actually can change a tire without problems, prob the only thing I can fix, heh.

  10. The person you mention, is my friend, SadDude1980, who I think ought to have a name change in order to avoid confusion, though it's his decision.
  11. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    You aren't alone m8.

    I don't have the typical skills that would be stereotypingly expected of a man. However I can type a whole sentence faster than most men could type a single word with a max typing speed of about 2 words per second.

    I've never changed a car tire, I get a mate to do it. He did show me, and I'd have a go, failing that I'd call the breakdown service.

    I've locked my keys in the car 3 times and had to call out the AA.

    I drove around for 9 months with no water to wash my windows cos I couldn't figure out where the water went. I would just stop of at a garage and buy some bottled water to wash the windscreen when it was dirty.

    I didn't check the oil in my car cos I didn't really know about it or how to do it, I ran the car that low on oil that one day the engine wouldn't even start and it had to go into the garage.

    I am totally useless at DIY, I wouldn't even know where to start. I can change a plug but that is about my limit. I painted the rooms in my last house and it took me about 5 days just to paint one room. I am a tiny bit better these days, I even have my own toolbox. I would really like to be more handy at DIY I just need to get stuck in more and for somebody to help me out with what to do.

    Everybody has different skills, my mate is coming to put a fence up for me on Sunday, he is a genius at DIY, he can turn his hand to anything, plumbing, welding, building, repairing cars that have been written off, anything, he could probably build a whole house if he wanted to. He's even fixing up a canal boat at the moment. His skills on a computer are about the same as my DIY, pretty useless but his DIY skills are more akin to my knowledge of computing.

    It is about practice and experience. If you get really stuck, you could always ask google.

    I want to branch out and become more practical.

    Dont worry about it mate, it doesn't really matter much, if you persevere you will get better. Everything is learnt through practice, we all have to start somewhere.

    Best wishes
  12. Flight

    Flight Well-Known Member

    Well, I said "girly-man" sort of tongue-in-cheekly. There are guys out there who are the stereotypical handymen... my step-dad for example. But I think it's pretty common for most guys to only have a small amount of experience in handiwork.

    Maybe some women would still have that expectation for men, but I think they are pretty few and far between these days.

    Anyway, I don't like the typical portrayal of a man in the media these days. The big buffoon who knows repair and football, but it less mature than his children and has too big an appetite for food, sports, and destruction. Ugh.

    Males are simply boys unless they start to think.

    Anyway, it sounds like you just need someone to teach you - and you'll catch on quickly. You definitely have the drive to learn. Maybe a friend, maybe a class somewhere. Just for the first little bit, don't be too ashamed to ask for help. Once you learn it, you'll have it, and you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you have it.

    The first step will be the toughest, but it will get easier from there.

    Oh - and I'll start by teaching you the simple rule that gets me through all my random attempts at handiwork: "Lefty-loosy; Righty-tighty." When attempting to unscrew stuff, always twist to the left. You wouldn't believe how many things I inadvertantly over-tightened before I learned that little phrase.
  13. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Well I'm not a woman, but I thought I'd offer my opinion .. I certainly can't fix a car, hell I don't even know how to change a tyre, and I don't do DIY (although that has a lot to do with the fact that I rent rather than own a house). I don't understand why you feel that not being able to fix a car would make you an idiot .. there's far more to being a man than that.

    I agree with what you say in your last paragraph, life might not be fair at times but you can change, it just takes time .. god it's taken me a good year to build up my confidence with women. You choose whether you believe you can change or whether you're fated to remain the same way though .. I hope things get better for you..
  14. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Those things mean nothing to me. And what makes you think "girly men" can't be practical? It's a bit of an assumption, no?
  15. here2day

    here2day Well-Known Member

    :rolleyes:From a woman that is married o a "handy man"

    handy men aren't all they are cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, I love my hubbie, but geeze oh pete do i ever wish he was more of a geek than a fix it dude sometimes! Hubster can fix anything or build anything, what he CAN'T do is balance a checkbook!!! :laugh: He fixes everybody else cars, furniture and whatnots and somehow manages to forget that I have a list of things that need to be he is my second mechanically inclined husband! My first hubbie was a fix it dude too, and he was the SAME WAY...everryone else crud got fixed and I was stuck driving a junk car that "he saw potential in" that he could "fix up to be real nice" yet it never got fixed up???? :rolleyes: On the other hand my sil is married to a geek who promptly pays to have her car fixed when it is broken, he wants an addition to the house, he has someone do it and it only takes one month..... my tie rods still need to be replaced (it's been 6 months now) and the addition he started on the house is "still in progress" after two years! :rolleyes: Soooo... true to who you are, and a woman will appreciate you for being genuine. Fix it men aren't all that and a box of rocks. If it wasn't for the geeks my fix it man wouldn't have any jobs!!!:biggrin: it takes all kinds. it truly does!

    my sis is a "handywoman" and she married a geek. :laugh: just to think of her marring a man who was a fix it guy makes me laugh... two fix it people thinking they can both do the job right...THEIR WAY. pish posh. don't be so hard on yerself. you really don't want a woman who is *lookin* for a fix it guy anyhoo cuz...lmfao...she's probably got a broken car and a house that is fallin apart and just looking to make ummm...p*ssy payments to get things done. (been there done that)

    be nice to yourself. so you can't fix things, so what are you good at? are you an artist? a writer? an accountant or number person? a musician? if every man was a fix it man, we wouldn't have micheal angelo or any of the other great artist, muscians or theologains! give yourself some credit for what you CAN do.
  16. fallen-angel

    fallen-angel Member

    personally i could not care less about whether any guy i was with could fix a car or put up a shelf. i would rather find someone i could be in a banged up car at the side of the road for hours on end n still be pissing about and having fun or even just someone to talk to endlessly, than have him tinker about with tubes n stuff because thats whats expected of him. join the AA, get in a handyman for the shelves and concentrate more on showing her a good time rather than showing her you can use a hammer. :biggrin:

    plus as a general note, any guy who does fiddle with things n makes them work will generally only get a "oh, well done you..." guy that manages to have a connection with girl will get more of a "oooh that was fun :cheekkiss"

    my two cents for the day :) work on people skills n flirting, will get you further than a spanner ever could.