My hurting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gingerkid, Jan 16, 2009.

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  1. gingerkid

    gingerkid Member


    I dont know where to start, so I thought I could introduce myself a little:smile: Im a teenager thats struggling with life and thoughts of suicide and depression. And today my world broke down again. I found out that this girl I care for, maybe love, very much, has started a relationship with another boy. Yet she didn't tell me, even though I thought she cared for me too.

    These thoughts of suicide started this autumn. I'm christian, and believe in God and Jesus. This summer I had been to this great christian summer camp that changed my life. It was awesome, because of it I started to think about things around my life and me, and much more made sense suddenly. I was a better person because of that.

    But after that its been going pretty much downhill. I have all these great friends that I believe care for me, yet I feel all alone in this world. I'm like a candle of light in a vast darkness. And I'm running out of oxygen and hope for this flicker of life. Anytime now a strong wind will blow it out, and I'm kinda hoping for it. Waiting for it. Maybe even seeking this wind of death.

    I went to this great christmas camp, where I met lots of people. It made me feel much better, like there was more hope. Yet today it all came crashing. My life was in ruins when I found out about that girl and the relationship. I feel like theres nothing more to live for.

    I dont think that girl is the only cause of my depression. But I'm not sure what else. It feels like I'm tired of living. Tired of breathing. Tired of everything. Even talking and writing is so exhausting

    My grandma died two months ago. She fell asleep one night and never woke up again. She was seriously ill, so we knew it was a matter of time. But she meant so much to me, and I never really got to say goodbye. I hope shes okay wherever she is.

    I'm scared of feeling pain and agony when I die. I want to die as peacefully as my grandma did. Had I had these pills beside me that would make it all go away, make me fall asleep and die without pain, without hurting, I would have taken them without regret.

    I'm not sure what to do. Tomorrow I'm gona meet this girl I was talking about. After that I don't know what I'll do, who knows...
  2. Jeremiah

    Jeremiah Active Member

    I know my words may not mean a whole lot, but please try to hold on. It sounds to me like you've got a lot to live for.:)
    I know how it feels to wake up every morning and not know if it's worth it to keep living, and lately I just tell myself to give it a little more time, and things are bound to get better. I'm still alive now, so I guess it's working.
    Right now, I really do believe life is worth living. You've only got one chance, that's something worth holding onto.
  3. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    welcome to the forum Ginger :biggrin:
    i love the name by the way

    I agree with Jeremiah. It sounds like you
    have a lot going for you. Don't let some
    girl let you down. This has happened to
    me as well, but it's no reason to fall down :smile:

    just get back on your feet.
    I'm going to PM you,
    if youd like to reply, please
    do so.

    Stay Safe my Friend
    Taylor :smile::heart:
  4. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    religion is a disease, it isnt surprising you had your suicidal thoughts after going to that Christian camp, they put you on some false pathetic high

    try finding a peace for yourself though it is hard in this evil corrupt world, especially if you live in America
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Gingerkid,

    Welcome to the forums. It's nice to meet you :shake:

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to lose someone so close to you. Perhaps grievance therapy or counseling can help you to cope with her death? :hug:

    As for this girl, if she is with someone else then she wasn't the right one for you. There is plenty more fish in the sea. You will find another girlfriend, don't let that worry you so much. Concentrate on your health for now. You need to seek professional help for your depression, please so do :hug:

    I'm always around if you need someone to talk to x
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Welcome gingerkid to sf. i'm sorry your feeling this way. its always horrible to end up like this.

    my only bit of advise to you is to listen to your own words :
    thats cause there is hope for you. focus on the possitive whenever your spiraling downwards you alway look down. you need to look up to all the good things. you say you hvae friends thats brilliant. you're not sure if they care for you or not. thats understandable, everyone has doubts. the only way over this is to either ask them out right if they care for you, or just continue the way it is and care for them unconditionally.

    as for the girl
    thats one girl.
    and you only feel this way now.
    you said it yourself. everything was fine before this. so once the realisation comes back and you see you dont need her you will be fine.
    :hug: hope you are ok. we can help you here.
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Not helpful at all. What was the point of that?
  8. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    we all like to think there is other fish in the sea, but every fish is fucking different and the fish youve always wanted will never be there.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    and also..what was the point of that? A lot of people do find the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
  10. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    its the truth, religion is a disease, it isnt surprising he felt all depressed when he got back from that camp
  11. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    When we're down we think some other person can suddenly fill us with love and life and some kind of reason to exist. But reality doesn't work out that way.
  12. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    You may be right, but that's for the soap box section.
  13. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    :agreed: but it is up to each individual to believe what they wish. and if religion helps them so be it.

    you cannot make the blind see.
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Gingerkid,
    Welcome to the forum!! When you meet with this girl don't get your hopes up to high. If she should turn you down you need to be able to rationalize it. She may only care for you as a friend. Thats better than nothing correct? I also went to church camp in my younger days and always met girlfriends there. Once we got back to the world the relationships always ended and sure it hurt. You will get past this if it is the case.
    You are young and there will be others in your lifetime. You sound to be a very bright fellow. And I am sure you have a good since of humor. As far as depression goes you should really talk to a therapist or even a counselor at school, they may be able to shed some light on the subject for you.
    You say you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to your grandmother, but did you go to the funeral. You need to know that she was looking down on you at the time and she understands that love. She will always be alive for you as long as you carry her in your heart!!
    Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are at that age where your emotions run high. You are becoming a man and are learning life can be cruel or it can be a good learning experience. It's all up to you what you want to get out of it.Take Care!~Joseph~
  15. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    look if it works for the OP then it is a good thing right?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2009
  16. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    my point there in.

    OP apologies for the side tracking of your thread. i'm sure we can help you get through this rough time we are here for you :hug:
  17. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Gingerkid is a Christian who came here looking for help and comfort. What is the point of bashing his beliefs and then offering absolutely no support or help whatsoever?

    Then you call the world evil and corrupt and start bashing America for some reason. If you want to start a thread about how shitty America is and how religion is a disease, then go ahead, but this is not the place.

    Gingerkid, the world can sometimes be depressing if you feel like your beliefs are in conflict with waht is often a harsh and cruel world, but it is up to you to be a light in the darkness, as you said. You don't have to go around preaching your beliefs or anything, just be a good, kind person and your actions will affect those around you and hopefully make the world a better place.

    As for the girl, I am sorry to hear that. The first person you really fall for can be tough to get over, but look at it this way: Almost NOBODY ends up with their "first love" because usually, it's really not meant to be. Life and circumstances make it very difficult to have anything long-term at such a young age and people and feelings change so quickly when you are young. People still find someone else, someone who makes them even happier and they spend their entire lives with that person. Your faith should tell you that if it doesn't work out with this girl, as hurt as you may be at the time, it was not meant to be. You will find the right one :)
  18. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds to me as if you are still grieving the loss of your grandmother as well as the loss of a relationship. This grief can bring with it the feelings you describe. Have you talked to anyone about how you feel? As terrible as things seem right now, you can get beyond it. Remember the feelings of hope and happiness you had at those camps. Hold on to those feelings and know they can once again be there. I am glad you had the courage to post here about it. That is a huge step toward healing. :hug:
  19. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    no because in reality there is no god, it is like taking an anti-depressent, in reality you are just covering up the truth
  20. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I offered him plenty of help, lose the religion and try and find peace on your own, though it is hard the way our society is
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