My husband took his life and im pregnant.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neowith, Apr 23, 2016.

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  1. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    My husband took his life a little over a month ago. I was in the shower and found him in the garage. I am 5 months pregnant with our second child and it has not gotten any easier. Anytime I think it is starting to I fall apart again and I'm tired of being in this much pain. All it took was 20 minutes to shower and get ready. All it took was turning that corner. I tried to save him.. but had to take him off life support that night. He died 4 times in front of me. I can't live with this anymore.
     
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  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so, so sorry for your loss!

    But please hun, get yourself some help. Have you been given any therapy or counseling on how to move forward?
    Have you spoke to your doctor?

    Please don't give up. I know right now it seems impossible but please get the help you need and deserve
     
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  3. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    Getting help makes it worse.. plus I have to bring my 2 year old to therapy and he deserves more than to see me cry all the time and not have his father. I'm trying to grieve and accept how I feel. But I just can't live with the why's and what ifs. I don't know how to live with this much pain and in surprised my body hasn't just shut down and died on its own.. this isn't living
     
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  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    It might seem like it's getting worse at first, but it truly does help. Please do give yourself that chance. Like you said, this isn't living... but with some care you can slowly move forward
     
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  5. Khvde

    Khvde Well-Known Member



    I am so sorry to hear your husband passed away. You have one child and you are pregnant. I can only imagine what you are going through. I know it is hard to reach out but you might benefit a lot from support systems. Do you have any support systems like your parents, friends or medical help?
     
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  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am deeply sorry for what you are going through and for your loss, I cannot even begin to imagine what that must be like. Please seek counselling and could you get someone to watch the child if you needed some ''you'' time. Please keep talking to us here. We might not have all the answers but I promise you we do care and will listen to you. ((hugs))
     
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  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    This breaks my heart, I'm so very sorry. You really need some support at this time as others have suggested, family, friends, support groups the more the better and there should be some help for looking after your little one while you get counselling. Your husband must have been in a lot of pain to do this. Unfortunately he's left you in an overwhelming situation. Please keep posting here and we'll support you as best we can, even just talking about your feelings will help. You'll find a lot of caring and compassionate people on this site, we've all been and are going through some kind of suffering or another, this is what gives us empathy for others. I'm sure you're still in shock and you have a lot to work through with this whole situation, please allow us to help you through it. I wish with all my heart I could take away your pain and that of the children. Please know we will stand with you and never be afraid to come here and ask for help. If you find someone you're comfortable with you can talk privately via the messenger system on the site. Bless you, sending healing thoughts and prayer for you and the little ones.
    Brian
     
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  8. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    Thank you all for the replies. My husband's parents took my son out for a few hours and my parents left, I have panic disorder and can't take my medicine because I'm pregnant. Everytime I have a panic attack now my thoughts go to taking my life. I guess it makes me understand where my husband was at when he took his. It doesn't matter that I'm pregnant, my son doesn't matter, in fact it seems as if I die they will be better off. The only thing that keeps me from actually going through with it is that I wouldn't wish 10 seconds of this pain on anyone.
    He had depression, but his it well. The night before we were laughing as we always did. He even sent me a email from school saying what a good day he had.
    I know how he felt. What I don't understand is how he could let me find him like that. I'm a medical professional and I was so upset I forgot all my training. I tried but he just kept getting worse and I was so upset I couldn't think..
    Logically I know I need help. But for some reason I can't ask for it. I don't have time to dig deep and hurt because my son needs me. I don't want to ask anyone to watch him because I don't want to feel like a burden.
    I want to move on and be strong like I've always done. But it's not working for me.. and I fear I will break and do something to make this horrible event worse.
    I just miss my best friend. No one should have to die like that.. especially not the person I built my life around. I loved him so much.
     
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I understand what you're saying, I'm in the medical field too, but when it comes to a loved one, all our training seems to blank out. I also know how hard it is to ask for help, I was raised to always look after myself and it's hard to break a habit that's been ingrained since childhood. You need to be strong for your little ones, they're going to need you now more than ever. I'm glad you have your parents and inlaws with you, please allow others to help you, it benefits you both, most people are good at heart and want to help, so please let them. Your in the medical field so you know the stages of grief that you'll go through, please don't try and do this alone. We will help on this forum, but you need people around you to help you through this, it's not weakness, it's what we do as humans, we support each other. Again, I'm so sorry this happened, it breaks my heart for the pain you and your son feel and indeed all of the family.
    Brian
     
  10. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I am deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.

    I know you said your son needs you, but if you are struggling this much it will be quite a challenge to meet his needs. Or even your own. Especially if this stress and grief drives you to suicide, as well.

    Your husband's parents, and your parents, would much rather have you ask for help, even BIG/ long-term help, than to have another loved one to succumb to an incredible amount of pain. I say that with certainty.

    Unfortunately, your hurt cannot go away without processing it, a little bit at a time. You will almost certainly need help from several people during this time. This may mean someone has to watch your child for you so you can schedule a cry/ scream. And whomever prescribed you medication for anxiety before, ought to know what happened in your life. He/ she can help you to weigh the pros and cons of medications. If your old meds couldn't be taken during a pregnancy, there should be others that are pregnancy-safe.

    I sincerely hope you can begin to heal a teeny tiny bit, by continuing to open up to the people on this forum. A therapist is probably critical for you, but resources like this one can do a lot to decrease some pain.

    I wish you well and will be thinking of you.
     
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  11. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    Thank you for the replies.
    I want to get help. But my anxiety is keeping me from it. I can't even shower because I feel like if I don't he won't have the chance to do it. I see an OB tomorrow, I will talk to them about starting medication again. When he passed I asked my father if I could move in with him, he lives across state so I don't know any doctors here. I would imagine id have a hard time walking into a new office and getting benzos while pregnant. I just couldn't stay at that house. I stayed with him until he was cold.. I wish I could have stayed with him longer but I know bodies have reflexes shortly after death and I had been through enough trauma. I tried to find a hotel room to pass out in but they were all booked.. I had to go back to get sleep. His parents were there and his mother asked me to get clothes for him to be buried in, I went back in our room and fell apart seeing our life.
    He was my husband. He should have been able to talk to me. I feel like all the pain from this was my fault. Like I should have known what to do.
    Moments like this all I can see is him in the condition I found him in, all I can hear are my screams. I just want it to stop.
     
  12. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I am sorry for your loss. It is NOT your fault.
     
  13. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It's a terrible shock you're going through. Believe me it's not your fault, I've lost a few loved ones and blamed myself each time, especially being in the medical field, we think we've missed something.........you didn't, there is nothing that would e changed the outcome. Speak to your OB and get something to help calm you, I'm sure you're not sleeping well either. Then you wake up it's like a bad dream, I've been there, it's part of the grief process. Concentrate in getting yourself through this, I'm glad your parents are helping and supporting you, allow them to. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
    Brian
     
  14. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    You're right. I'm not trained to deal with trauma. I had never even preformed CPR on an actual person before. I didn't have the equipment to stabilize him. It was just so defeating to think I got to him just in time and then him start slipping away before EMS even arrived.
    There is just something horrible about ignorantly getting ready while a 23 year old is dying 20 ft away.
    I will get help.. I just wish I could check myself into a crisis center tonight. I'm not okay..
     
  15. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    What about calling a crisis line or going to the hospital?
     
  16. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    My father is working all week out of town and my step mother isn't well enough to watch my son. I will talk to my OB tomorrow and explain what I'm feeling in a way that won't get me halled off right there. There has to be something they can do. If my thoughts feel like they will turn to action I'll call my in-laws and head to the hospital.
     
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  17. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I feel as if I'm stuck.. my 2 year old screamed and shook the entire 30 minutes I left him with friends to run and errun. My husband was his main care taker.. now when I leave he assumes I'm not coming back and has a panic attack of his own..
     
  18. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Good. Try and keep yourself distracted. Maybe watch a movie or read a book. What about calling someone like a friend. Or coming to chat (bottom righthand corner).
     
  19. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Exactly, some things are just out of our hands, I worked a Level 1 Trauma Center for 20yrs, even with all the equipment available we still lose them. You did all you could, never forget that, your mind will second guess you, but it's not true. Are you staying at your parents for now, it would probably be best to be somewhere else until you're more able to cope with things.......or at least have someone stay with you. It will take some time but you will heal, keep posting here there's usually someone around 24/7 that will talk with you. Sometimes it helps just to know you're not alone, we care and have compassion for you and will help you anyway we can.
    Brian
     
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  20. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I think a therapist would be the best person to give you information on how to handle your son. It's a very difficult situation. This breaks my heart.
     
    CandleLight likes this.
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