My ill mind.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Craal, Sep 25, 2012.

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  1. Craal

    Craal Member

    Well, hello there.
    I didn't really know where to put this, so I thought this would be the best place for it.

    My name is David, I'm 19 years of age, and I'm Schizophrenic.
    I've never really spoken to anyone about my problems - at least, not properly.
    I've always isolated myself from others, struggled to make friends, and as such, I haven't really had the oppurtunity to speak to anyone. Even though I believe that if it came down to it, in person, I'd struggle to talk.
    So I guess that's why I'm here. To talk. To seek guidance from people in this marvellous race we call Homosapian.

    So, where to start? I really don't know.
    From my first memory, I guess.

    My earliest memory was from when I was around the age of 8. I used to live in a flat with my mother, and my great grandmother, in merry old London. I remember I would spend hours upon end building an arsenal of guns out of lego bricks, and go shooting around my flat, at these 'things' I could only describe as humanoids. I never told anyone what it was I was shooting at. My mother once asked me about it, but I didn't really know how to reply to it, so I replied how every child of that age would. I was just 'playing', right?

    At this point in my life, I had only recently moved to London, and started my new school, Emmanuel C of E primary school, in which I didn't have the best time. At school, religion was drummed into me. I had to believe in this thing, that there was no tangeble evidence supporting the fact that it was there. 'God'. But, I digress.
    I met my first real friend at Emmanuel, his name was Luke. We spent a lot of time together during, and after school. Later on in my first year at said school, I watched Luke die because of a hit and run. Or so I thought, but more on that later.

    I got into drugs quite early after Luke. I started hanging around the wrong crowds, stealing, smoking cigarettes. This all eventually led into the drug filled mania that befell upon my fragile mind. I was smoking Cannabis by age 10, eventually moving onto harder drugs. At 13, I had been dabbling in the use of Cocaine, Speed, Zombie Dust, and finally Heroin.
    At 13, I was a full blown junkie. I had moved out of my mother's house, and stayed in a small flat in Hampstead with the 'friends' that had burrowed the use of drugs deep into my mind.

    This was when I started to see Luke again, I remember it as clear as I remember what I had for dinner last night. I was sat on the pavement, next to where Luke had 'died'. I looked to my left, and there was a vague figure in the distance, that eventually got closer, which made me realise who it was.
    Now, bare in mind, at this point I didn't believe in anything. I didn't believe in god, or ghosts. In all honesty, I didn't see much past the drugs.
    Now, as you can imagine, seeing Luke again freaked me out a fair amount. He didn't say much, just one word. "Stop", and as quick as he came down the road, he left quicker. I knew what he meant by it. It was like a weight had been lifted, and in place of that weight, Luke's voice rang in the silence.

    This was when I cut out of the majority of the drugs in my life. This was also the first time I found myself without a place to stay. I went cold turkey, and I returned to my mother after a month of being on the streets. She was happy to see me, to say the least. It's a shame the happiness didn't last.,
    By 15, I was completely clean of any alcohol, and narcotics.

    At the age of 16 was when my problems started again.
    It was also one of the happiest periods of my life.I fell in love, for the first time in my life. With a girl who went by the name of Bethany. We had a lot of happy times, and a lot of unhappy times too.
    I lost my virginity to her, and she got pregnant, despite the fact she said she was on the pill.
    We decided to keep this baby. We wanted a boy, and we were going to name him 'Rio'. Unfortunately, Bethany miscarried. This was basically the end for us, as I couldn't handle it. I don't remember much after being told that Rio was gone. I remember look coming back to me, again. And saying two words, this time. "Blind Faith". Those words burnt into me, which led to me getting it tattooed onto my wrist, along with "Rio".

    After Beth, everything went downhill for me. I was back smoking Cannabis, and drinking more than my liver could handle. At the height of my alcohol addiction, I was drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels a day. I stopped going to school. The voices came back, after being absent for most of mine and Beth's relationship. The nightmares were back, also.

    Ah yes, the nightmares.
    Ever since I can remember, I've had a reccuring nightmare in which a charred humanoid turns up at my room in the middle of the night, and chases me out into the street, where I am greeted by more humanoid type creatures. The charred humanoid would then proceed to grab a part of my body, and I would wake up with a mark where the humanoid had grabbed me.

    Anyway, I proceeded to drop out of secondary school, and stopped drinking as much as I once did. That was hard.
    The past three years since I have been out of school, I've been arrested, been homeless for almost a year, and I'm still smoking Cannabis recreationaly. I was almost sectioned at one point, before I kicked off and said I would make their lives a living hell if they did.

    I've been feeling a lot more suicidal these past three years. Numerous attempts. I hate it.

    I can't carry on writing, something doesn't feel right.

    I'd like to thank whoever stumbles across this post for reading it, and I'd like to say, feel free to reply, ask questions, or private message me.

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2012
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi David, very pleased to meet you. Well done for reaching out for some help here on SF. I really believe you would like things to become different for you so that you can feel better in yourself. I know there is hope for you honey - you've had a rough ride.

    Firstly, I am sorry that you had religion drummed into you at school. I dislike religious schools just for that reason - because believing in God is NOT COMPULSORY, like we can get the idea it is when we are young. Those who drum it into us are not aware of what they are really doing, just well-meaning, but also they can be very mis-guiding, and leave a child with very wrong impressions.

    Secondly, I am sorry about Luke's accident and physical death. You had a bond, so it is no surprise to me that he "came back" to say something he knew you would know what he meant, even if it was just the one word. I've had something similar happen to me, so it doesn't surprise me that this could happen. When Luke died, his spirit entered a different plane of being, and the bond that you shared would still have existed, and he wanted to do something to help you.

    I am sorry you lost both the baby and Beth. Two big losses. Totally understand the need to try and fill the void...... Luke came back with "blind faith" for you....... and it might be that something deep within you wants to understand what this means, more clearly.

    Something that isn't possible in a couple of sentences, but I feel I can help you, if you would like that. Either here or by PM, your choice hun.

    God bless,
  3. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I'd like to say thank you for posting this. I would like to know more, if you feel like sharing. Either way, good luck.
  4. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    Hey david. You're only 19! You have so much time :) It sounds to me like the two major events that really screwed you up (would have screwed anyone up, myself included) were the death of your friend and the miscarriage + the loss of bethany. Both triggered some kind of depression which lead to drugs and etc...

    So your life sucks because of drugs, poverty, and the lack of education, and you got that way because of the two things I mentioned before. Why not join the military? I know it's kind of a... cop out. Seems like... BUT they will absolutely restore your life. You'll get out debt free, honored, and buff. Ready to make a life again. You'll have plenty of time during and after your service to find a wonderful new girl.. settle down, start the family you always wanted :) And in the mean time they'll keep you occupied with.. military.. stuff. You'll have a purpose! And hey if you really want to die there's always a chance you'll die gloriously in battle and be remembered as a hero ;) Just my two cents!
  5. Craal

    Craal Member

    And here I find myself posting again, I can't even find myself giving a good enough reason to be posting.

    I feel ill. Not a cold-type ill, but ill of the mind. I hate it.

    I can feel myself slipping back into a depression that I so rightly wish wouldn't come my way.
    I find myself wishing death would come swiftly.

    I tried to kill myself again today. Apparently plastic bags aren't enough to stop my heart from beating.

    I despise it. I think I might try again tonight. I have a month's worth of Olanzapine that I find myself nearing taking.

    I need to cut. I hate that feeling. But at the same time, I love it so.

    I just need people to talk to. To distract me. I'm scared that if I'm left alone, the voices will come back. They've been causing havoc over the past few days.

    Fuck this.
  6. bottleneck

    bottleneck Member

    Hi David:

    I understand what you say about feeling ill in your mind. I probably can't understand it to the degree you're experiencing though. I wish I knew what to say. Some people seem to have all the answers and want to give you an idea that it all gets better. But sometimes it doesn't. However, you're only 19. There is a lot of time left for you and hopefully you can find a way around how you're feeling now and give yourself more time.

    Please don't take your life today.
  7. bottleneck

    bottleneck Member

    I wanted to say one other thing - one thing that has gotten me through all my years (I'm 39 and have felt suicidal my whole life - people always told me it gets better but they never explained how) writing has gotten me through.

    You have a very intriguing, interesting story to tell, write it down, tell it. It can help you feel better, if only for a little while. If you can't find a way to go on, write it down, without inhibition. But don't take your life.
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