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My Intro

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Deadly, Nov 29, 2014.

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  1. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hello.... even typing that word seems so false. I do not want to say hello. I do not want anything at the moment but to die.
    I am a coward ... I fear the pain but I envy those who are not here any longer. My life is a total mess. I have nothing. I spend
    every day alone. No friends, no one. My mum died a few months back. I have brothers and a sister but they are seperate from me.
    I could scream but no one will hear. I drink to drown out pain. Its last a few hours then the heavy empty feeling returns.
    I have ruined my life with bad choice after bad choice. I sit here with 8 pounds to my name. This is to last me the next 2 weeks.
    Its so bad it would be funny in a different world. I am less than zero. I know the process of opening the parts of my body that will
    bring nothingness but fear so far has held me back. I hope to overcome that fear and embrace nothingness.

    This is my introduction. thanks for reading.
  2. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Hi there and welcome.

    You've made a *very* good choice by coming here. It'll be the first step on a path to getting better. Everybody here will welcome you and help you in any way they can.

    Keep posting, chatting and reading. There's a lot of help here.
  3. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Oops - double post. Not often that happens to me!!
  4. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi Bart I have had many "first steps" in my life all of them leading nowhere. I am not in a good place at all and have not been the past 3 years. But this past year really does take some beating! Loss after loss after loss. When my mum died it crushed us all. My father is broken. Nothing is the same. I already had numerous issues of failure and loneliness and then that happened.

    I am dreading Xmas dreading it! I know it will be spent alone in my flat. No one will visit. My father is not going to be in the Country. I don't speak to my other family members. And no I cant reach out. I was in a bar today. Drinking alone. As I do. Then those god awful Christmas songs start to play and I have to walk out. I feel I am past help no matter how well intentioned people are here. Thank you though for you reply Bart.
  5. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Welcome Deadly.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome Deadly... I really am sorry you're so down :( Just know you have come to the right place to talk things through and in a safe environment. You won't be judged here.
  7. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Deadly, It does sound if things are really really bad for you now.

    But can you please let us try to help you?
  8. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    TY For the messages.
    I slept last night but not so well. My life has crashed around me. Its a long horrible story. Full of loss, self pity, self hatred. I long to let go of the past but it haunts me daily.

    My marridge ended 3 years ago this month. Still not have overcome that. I have struggled with a gambling addiction most of my life which is in the end has been the cause of many bad problems. I drink in binges. To blank out the pain and when I drink I made bad choices. The pain always returns soon after. My mum died in september. Cancer. Stage 4.
    She was admitted to the hospital on a Monday and passed away one week saturday later. 13 days! I have a big family. Brothers sister dad. But most of them have disowned me as damaged goods. They see me as selfish bad rotten. They are right. But I have no one I can turn too. I can go days in my flat and never really speak to a soul. Then to kill the boredom and emptyiness I will use destructive methods. Gambling, drinking, drinking, gambling. Then my work suffers. My health suffers. I have tried many forms of intervention. Joined numerous online support groups. It all comes to shit.

    As of today I have £7.00 to my name. The bookies took care of that for me. Tomorrow rent is due I will be late again. But this time I think the landlady patience is out and im headed for skid row - the street. I am drowning in debt. And I feel lonely isolated and at times fearfull. Today I feel sick in my stomoch. And do not really know how to put this right. I have a son whom I adore. He lives abroad. I was supposed to buy a ticket to go visit him over the xmas / new years holidays. Did I do that ? Did I shit. I thought only of myself and gave into my addictions. This is who I am and sometimes evaporating into nothingness is the only thought that brings me solace and comfort.

    Thank u again though for the replies to my intro here.
  9. Bart

    Bart Banned Member


    I'll stand by you as long as you are here at this forum. You are suffering immense pain, and even if it is of your own creation, surely that's not a reason to abandon all hope?. If you met a mirror image of yourself, say, in a bar, and they asked you for some help - would you deny them any help? Probably not.

    You have a lot of rebuilding to do, sure, and it's not going to happen overnight. One step at a time. Please do not judge yourself as harshly as you might think you deserve.

    We're here for you.
  10. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Went for a walk to try clear my head. My body aches from the abuse I have given it. My brother remains angry with me as I told him some of what i have done. He has much on his plate. He takes care of my dad at the moment. Who is elderly. The fresh was good. feelings remain the same. I hate coming back to the empty flat. I am though glad to have found this place and be here.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hope you find what your seeking for here, welcome.
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