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my introduction has to be about you, of course.

i don't really even know what to say about him.
it's sort of odd to me, that i joined this forum obstensibly to get
some support for myself, but i have to talk about him first.
basically, my boyfriend of 2 years committed suicide when i was 15.
i ignored it, suppressed it, glossed over it with a lot of sex and laughter
and drugs, and basically just living.

it's been (several months until) 5 years, and i cannot stop thinking about
it. i never wanted to speak to his family about him before, but now i'm
drawn to. naturally, after so long it would be 1) awkward and 2) insensitive and selfish on my part. what right do i have? i was a young, naive, selfish
little girl. i did not treat him as well as he should have been treated, and he
always showed me respect, and acted with integrity.

i'm also 3 years into a commited relationship, and he's there. well, he's always been there, in every relationship, like sand under the nails or a constant itch. but it's worse now.

i'm utterly at a loss. i just keep moving. i'm active on my campus, i go out with friends, i get good grades. but it's all just functional. what i want, what i really want, is to "go home" so to speak. and i can't do that. sometimes, i think that the worst part of being left behind is that you cannot in good consciensce follow them. you know how bad it feels. you know what it does to people. i keep staring at my empty hands. i don't believe in therapy, or medications, having had bad experiences in my youth/adolescents (aside from a pill addicted mother).

i just do not know what to do, and i miss him.
First, let me welcome you to the forum. You have definitely come to the right place for support. That is something we do very well at.

Next, it is understandable that, even after 5 years, your boyfriends suicide still haunts you. Death of any kind is hard to handle, but death at one's own hand makes more impact on the survivors than we would like to admit. So many questions remain unanswered about the whys and what could I's, etc. Did you ever speak with anyone about his death. A grief counselor, pastor, or someone like that? You may still be in the actual grieving process. Some people go through this quickly, while others take many years. You mentioned having a bad experience in the past as a reason for not believing in therapy. Don't let this experience stop you from seeking outside help. There are good people out there. Perhaps the experience you spoke of was not indicative of every one you would have. Search for what fits you and the situation you are in. I am not saying you need meds or anything, just someone to talk to that has an outside view. You have taken the first step in posting here. I hope we are able to give you some of the support you seek. :hug:

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