i don't really even know what to say about him. it's sort of odd to me, that i joined this forum obstensibly to get some support for myself, but i have to talk about him first. basically, my boyfriend of 2 years committed suicide when i was 15. i ignored it, suppressed it, glossed over it with a lot of sex and laughter and drugs, and basically just living. it's been (several months until) 5 years, and i cannot stop thinking about it. i never wanted to speak to his family about him before, but now i'm drawn to. naturally, after so long it would be 1) awkward and 2) insensitive and selfish on my part. what right do i have? i was a young, naive, selfish little girl. i did not treat him as well as he should have been treated, and he always showed me respect, and acted with integrity. i'm also 3 years into a commited relationship, and he's there. well, he's always been there, in every relationship, like sand under the nails or a constant itch. but it's worse now. i'm utterly at a loss. i just keep moving. i'm active on my campus, i go out with friends, i get good grades. but it's all just functional. what i want, what i really want, is to "go home" so to speak. and i can't do that. sometimes, i think that the worst part of being left behind is that you cannot in good consciensce follow them. you know how bad it feels. you know what it does to people. i keep staring at my empty hands. i don't believe in therapy, or medications, having had bad experiences in my youth/adolescents (aside from a pill addicted mother). i just do not know what to do, and i miss him.