My Introduction.... long but...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SpareTire, Sep 20, 2007.

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  1. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    OK here it is and I’ll try not to bore you and at the same time forget any information. I tend to think faster then I can type. But what brings me here is two things, the first time I was here was because in the same week a good friend I grew up with was stabbed to death, another jumped in front of a train, another put a shot gun in his mouth, and my brothers wife left him and he kinda lost his marbles and hates me and the rest of us now. Plus I was dealing with my G/F of 10 yrs starting a whole new life with some guy behind my back, ( and SOOO regretfully I ended up takin her back ). All these people have no connection to each other then being a friend of mine, but they never met one another. Now I’m being here again started because a friend’s little brother killed himself and he was looking for some answers, so I referred him to SF. I didn’t know him but, I felt bad because I know it sucks. Now, ironically, I’m looking for my self again. And here’s why.

    I was with this girl for 11 yrs, 11 devoted years. Minus the 4 months she had a fantasy life with some scumbag. She was my world and I knew I was lucky to have her. But I always had this voice in my head telling me not to buy her a ring. She has 2 girl’s that are so awesome. And I’ve helped raise them since they were 4 & 5. I could swear that they had my blood, but I know their not. They think, act, and even have the same taste for clothes and music like me and not mom’s. So over the years they have become my life. So as it be last year that voice I had was right, she was cheating on me. Not just messing around, She started a whole knew life with this guy behind my back. And then she involved the kids into it, they started acting real weird around me and it made me pay attention more. And then I looked in her cell phone and seen all the calls and txt messages, and went to confront her on ( happened to be in the bathroom talking to her sister… So I thought) and she was on the phone with him. In my house on my phone and using my cell phone. So I over reacted gave her every thing and left. Took a job over the road with no intentions on coming back. Dropped her and the kids like a bad habit. And that was so tough being so alone out there with just me and my thoughts and no one else’s input, talk about lost, physically and mentally lost I was. I came back to visit my mother and she happened to call, saying I love you I miss you blaa blaa blaa. And I missed the kids so much and missed her I fell into it to her BS. I took her back, even though that little voice in my head said not to I did it any way. And for the last year everything was great, I got a job I at home I like, I got the kids back and my girl back. For a while I kept my defenses up for the unknown. After a bit I let down my guards moved them all back into my heart and decided, OK, this is it. These are the people I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with. I was so cool with that, it seemed perfect. We were looking at house’s to buy and I was looking at rings to buy and bought one. The night I was going to ask her to go out to dinner to ask her, she never got home till I was leaving for work at 4am. And of course I decided to wait a bit to ask. And it kept happening night after night. We fought, and she just acted real weird afterwards, after 11 yrs you know that persons every thought before they think it, you know how they feel by their eyes, and the way they hold themselves. So I knew something was up again. I decided to check her phone and all the text messages were a day old just from me and the kids, all the calls were a day old just from me and the kids. Then it was confirmed in my head, she never deleted that stuff, and a week before asked me how to. Then Friday night my buddy (?) called asking for us to go out. It was 11p and I had to work so she asked if I cared if she went, I said yea I do mind and if you leave look like takin you shit out in the morning. She said fine I’ll call him and tell him I can’t….. I went to sleep I woke up and she was gone. After I got out I stopped at his house and found her on the futon with another friend(?) of mine. None the less that that I brought her back here we talked and I said she has to go for good. I offered a lot of options to fix it but she decided to leave anyway. So now I lost about a dozen good friends and 1 bad one ( we all hung out at the same house for 20 yrs.) I lost the piece of shit girl again, and I fear I’m gonna loose the kids again also. They will always side with mom and defend her, I understand that. They say they wanna keep our relationship but honestly I can’t see that happening. I think that hurts the most, that and this empty home, if it is even a home any more. Its grown kinda cold over the last week.

    Sorry this was so long, I tried to keep it short but it’s kinda hard to if I wanna try and get the point across.
    I like it in here so thanks for any advice or help.

    PS roommate wanted in a cold lonely apt in
  2. immure

    immure Account Closed

  3. tbs

    tbs Member

    Hi and welcome back to the forum. As you can see I'm a newbie here, but I hope you find the support you need. Just wanted to say hi.:smile:
  4. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    good riddence to bad rubbish, sad about the kids tho, its always difficult when there are kids involved.

  5. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    Yea, I like that bad rubbish. I've been sayin peice of garbage and of course peice of S***. And the with the kids situation up in the air is killing me but I'm tryin, so hard now I worry I'll freak them out.

    immure~ ?, person of few words I see but give me a idea. Unless I know you already...... and........

    Back at yea TBS!
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. Sorry to hear about all you have been through. I hope you are able to find the kind of support you are looking for. Please take care. :hug:
  7. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    Oh i know what you mean, you can curse all you like but they still have a place in your heart. Its difficult to let go, i know, ive been there, its not so much love anymore but dependence, you have become so used to being w/ this one person you cant imagine not being w/ her. thats why its so hard for abused victims to let go of their partners. you may not be physically abused but you are sure as hell being mentally abused and that is the worst kind. they know you cant leave and they play on that, they walk all over you and treat you badly, and most of the time its so subtle you dont realise thats what they are doing.

    good news is... it can get better. you just have to have a lot of strength and will power just to walk away forever. hopefully we can give you that.
    when i say forever, it may not be forever, just until you have moved on enoug so that seeing her doesnt affect you the way it did and she cant crawl back into your life like she always does. ten maybe you could have a relationship w/ the kids. but you gotta give it time and im not talking a month... it can take years. i only started healing after 2 years. but im in a good place now! so it does work.
  8. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    Thanks man, I hope your right, 2 years is a long time though, I'm kinda thinking I may just jump right into dateing someone else now ( like I need more drama) the logic behind this being if I do then it may be easier to push her on the backburner, and still trying to get the kids to come visit. But I also know that anything I jump into wont last long, so thats not fair to the girl I find.....mmmmm.... unless I can find me a ????bedbuddy???? that might work. But I dont know where to find me one of them around here.:tongue:
  9. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF
  10. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    yeah it might help but not necessarily, i did that a couple of times but it didnt work, i was too consumed w/ all my emotions, it usually just confuses you more. you really need to give it space and time. get to like yourself again and get used to being w/ u, it makes all the difference and then when you meet someone you can be there 100%. i slept w/ a lot of people thinking it would ease the pain but it didnt and now iv just got all these regrettable memories. :sad: and yeah, i hurt a couple of people that way too. maybe find some other distraction, a hobby, a pet??
  11. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    Hey Sparetire,

    Now I understand more of the story. I can imagine it is so painful especially because you loved her for so long, you poured your heart and soul into that relationship and she threw it all away, TWICE! I dont blame you for just walking out the first time. It sucks because she will brainwash the children. You have been through so much. I am so sorry. But I am also proud of you for pulling through it thusfar. I understand it must be so hard. Some people just dont apprieciate what they have and will throw it all away. I dont think there is much that I can say to help. If you ever have to talk, please pm me, I will always listen and give advice if I can.

    I love you, Please stay strong.
  12. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    Puddytat- Ya know I think your right and I think I'm gonna try and stay solo, because I have know idea who I am anymore, or what I'm doing. The last thing needed is more drama. And I know I would just break a heart and I don't wanna do that, that would unfair and selfish. I just need to find out who I am and what I want, and want to do. It may be a bad plan though, knowing my luck, I'll spend the rest of my life alone. Right now that sounds good but I know in time it won't.

    Shyfear- Thanks, I know alot of what I have said thus far seems trivial, but it affects me alot because I can't stop thinking about the what if's and about I shoulda did this, or what was I thinking. I also tend to over analyze things and it gets trapped in my head and torments me. But on a good note I spoke to the girls last night and both of them were really cool with me about everything, and they said ( on their own ) well the hell is wrong with Mom, what's she doing/thinkin'. They haven't spoke to her in a 2 weeks. And the best part is they told me that when the weekends their here, they wanna stay with me and not where Mom is. And that awsome because that place is a dump, I don't want them putting their heads down no where near that place.

    Although, them telling me they haven't spoke to Mom in 2 weeks really pissed me off and she came to get the last of her shit last night and start by soft speaking, then when I confronted her about that and asked her how she sleep at night or what she thinks when she looks in the mirror.... Ohhh Boy things got way out of hand. I seen I temper I have seen in myself since I was 14. I had to force my self to sit on the couch and stop talking all together, if I didn't. I think my next reply would have been 6 months to 3 years from now, unless county clink has internet these days. Or I woulda found the RR tracks, for a bed. And I knew neither woulda been right for the kids to hear nor feel. Again they saved me and have now idea that they did....... I hope to God that they don't ever hate me, I know she talked to them after last night and again tonight, and don't trust what she might say. But I'll be kool until I hear from them or ..... don't.
  13. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    :hug: for you

    I don't know what else to say.
  14. SpareTire

    SpareTire Well-Known Member

    Thats cool I understand and thanks.

    To all else reading, sorry, I just skimmed through what I have wrote and I have noticed my English is the pit's when I type, forgetting all kinds of words and I'm sure I'll do it again here. I don't reread what I write cause then I'll just delete it. And I think faster then I type so I get tangled up. Just so much going on. But if you care here's an update.

    The oldest cant come up because she has to much school work to do. Fine, She gets like that I know. The youngest wants to come up, but to see one of her friends. I think I'm in 2nd place ( she is 15 ). So if she does what does a 15 yr old wanna do for fun with me. I'm sure I can wing it, but ideas can help. And now I realize you all are asking if he raised them why are they living elsewhere. .... I had a good job working for Delta Airlines, yup lost it, with all the cut backs, coulda kept it but the pay would have been useless. So I took a huge gamble, lost all... then thought I gained. So now I rent and deliver Golf carts to the tri state area ( and other stuff ). So for that time I was outta work, We decided that it was best for the girls to live with dad in NJ. Better schools, better options ect.. Mom made no money. And since then they don't wanna return to the humble town 60 miles north of NYC. I can understand that I wouldn't either. The oldest said the other night "she was glad now that she left, she didn't wanna see mom do this".. so fucked up hearing that. But the 16 yr old kid is right. And that is kinda fucked to.

    I know some of you think it's trivial, while others don't know what to say. But Only a few understand where I'm coming from. I wanna do what ever I can for the girls, anything. they might know it. But I would die for them. Their MOM...... well, she is as good as dead. I know I'm mean. But at this point I don't care. It's just me and the maybe's of a visit. I'll keep tickin as long as they wanna still be with me.

    And to any kids that might be in a situation like mine, give the guy a chance, who knows, he may love you more then you think. You may feel life has ended for you, but his life has ended by the thought of losing you.
  15. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I have no children of my own, but after reading what you had to say I sense my own mother may be in the same situation as you.

    I can only vaguely understand what it is like to be tied to other people, to feel complete dedication only to them and to thusly feel imprisoned by that dedication and love. To live, in essence, for them.

    Then they leave you.

    You eat, sleep, and breathe for others, and they choose to be away from you. Beyond that, you find that they don't want to be around because they don't want to see the state you are in. What is left? You carry on hoping to see them if only for a while.

    I think I can feel your desolation, though only the surface of it.
  16. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
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