My Island. *possible trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Jul 8, 2007.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have an island of thoughts thread in the Room To Vent too. But this is another version. This version is for thoughts to which I wouldn't mind a reply.
    Sometimes I actually feel like I do deserve support. And for those times, I'll just use this thread. Though I'm guessing that in no time this one will move away and the Room To Vent one will stay up more. :rolleyes:

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    EDIT: nvm this part. Too much blabbing.
    Maybe some other time I'll add some stuff or whatever.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2007
  2. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    We all deserve support Ishy, this site is to support each other, not to split up into supported and supporters.

    Talk to me xo
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    blah. sigh.

    This morning I went to therapy being completely out of it still from all the shit I took last night/this morning. It was fun though. I was so calm. like I've been monday and tuesday too.. Come to think of it. Right now is the first time I'm sober since sundayafternoon :blink:
    My meds dose has been upped. Am now at 40mg Seroxat. my selfharm has gotten really bad. I have crosses burned and cut into both my arms now. Apparently I did them when I was off it.
    It's cos I don't feel pain anymore.
    I do feel it, but it doesn't hurt. pain feels like a good feeling lately when I'm high and all that.
    I've been drinking so much beer lately, along with my meds, often take more of my meds than I'm supposed to AND I've been having shitloads of cookies lately.

    Now I'm out of cookies though, so I'll have to do about a month without now, because I have to cut down massively. I've turned up at therapy not entirely sober for 3 days in a row now. They aren't too happy with it. But dunno.
    My counsellor started talking about committing me, when I had an appointment with her last tuesday. She asked how I was doing so I straightout said that I'm doing shit. That I want to die so badly but that I can still keep myself from it by talking to myself, telling me how it'd hurt other people.
    I don't know how much longer I can do that though. I'm completely losing the will to keep trying. What's the fucking point. In 14 years I'm gonna be dead anyway. Fuck sake.
    Sigh. I have to make it through the weekend though, cos this weekend I'll finally see my sister again, and the dog :smile:

    My parents are leaving for 3 weeks of holidays this friday, so I thought, nice then I can go visit the dog and grab some more of my stuff then. Guess what. They told my sister that I'm not allowed in the house when they're on holidays, becauase I don't come by when they are there either. FUCK OFF. jesus christ.
    I don't want to see them again. It's not that i can't deal with them. Well that too but I also don't want it. For fuck sake. They were never emotionally there for me. The one time I told them a for me huge thing (my bisexuality) I got a "don't tell anyone, otherwise you'll be in trouble when you turn out to be normal after all" or something along those lines. And my sister is a lesbian and that's fuckin ok with them!
    but yeh whatever.

    and god I miss my mum.
    It hurts so fucking much just to realize every day agani taht I'll never be able to hug her, never be able to ask her for advice, never be able to talk to her, never be able to fight with her, never be able to tell her I love her, never be able to hear her tell me she's proud of me.

    sigh.

    That's enough for now. More than enough. Sorry for bothering anyone.
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm so fucking hungover.
    yesterday I had my medication. I had half a bottle of vodka and 3/4 bottle of rum.
    Not to mention the weed I smoked.

    Sigh.
    Early this morning I woke up on the couch in the livingroom, having no clue how I'd ended up there. I remember going upstairs yesterday and getting a joint of my housemate. going into my room smoking the joint. I think I was in chat or on skype but I'm not sure.
    Next thing I know I wake up on the couch with the cat on my feet.
    I have no fucking clue what happened.
    My leg is completely bruised and I have no clue where it comes from.

    I want another drink so badly right now, I really want another drink or more. Eventhough I hate not knowing what I did and say, at least I got some freedom from my head.

    Thursday I saw my counsellor again. And I was honest with her. She's on holidays now for 3 weeks. But when she gets back and there's no change in how I'm doing, I'll most likely be admitted. I think she didn't like letting me go home like this, but when she asked if she could rely on me being back at therapy on monday, I told her that I would.
    Ha.
    I can be such a liar *sigh*

    I'm lost. drained.

    I want a drink so badly, but I told someone I really care for that I wouldn't. So I'm trying to stick to that. I didn't promise though, but still. I can't do it. I care for them a whole lot. and I can't let them down.
    I'm at the verge it's so tempting.
    I'm thankful for the text they sent me. they make me smile. a little light in the endless black space.
    the light is fading though.

    blah why am I talking this philosophical. I just want to fucking die!

    it's so fucking... messed up.
    I got rum and vodka left, there's plenty of beer in the house, there's plenty of weed in the house, and on top of that I got med supply for over a month!

    It's so tempting. but heck. who cares. We're all gonna die anyway.

    you get born, go to school, work and then you die.
    What's the fucking point. There is none.
    All that happens in the world is fucking hurt. Pain. People get abused, beaten, assaulted, killed. In fucking afghanistan and god knows where else people are running around shooting each other. And for what?
    Presidents send people. Men. Fathers. Sons. Cousins. Familymembers. Out to fight against other men, fathers, sons, cousins, familymember. And they go around killing each other, because their fucking president thinks there's money to get somewhere or oil or whatever.

    I don't easily hate, but i feel deep rage, anger, sadness, grief, pain. And I HATE LIFE WITH A DEEP PASSION.