My issue.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Numb4223, May 10, 2009.

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  1. Numb4223

    Numb4223 New Member

    t
    Well, where to start. First of all, I wasn't quite sure where to post this because well there are quite a few issues I have to talk about. Though my addiction to bud, is a great deal of it. So first I'm 15, (16 in July.) So here we go. Ever since I was 3, my father played computer like no other, but it wasn't a big deal because it was like an hour a day or so. Though since then has gradually increased. To sum it up quickly. Ever since the age of 5, I see my father, maybe five minutes a day(on a good day.) Well, he tells me he is addicted to gaming, and does it to avoid drama, including me and other family. Well I guess this damn post may be to vent, but anyhow. Well So in short, my father has missed 90% of my childhood. Even now when I try to spend time with him, he blows me off. He only speaks to me when I begin to majorly fuck everything up. So if things are on ok terms, I never see him, but on bad terrns, he only talks to me and gets involved in my life to tell me to get my shit straight. So it's odd, he is only my father in terms of blood and he pays for my well-being. Yet he only tries to act like a father when he sees fit, also tends to over-reac and get violent during disagreements(just replaced my door for a 3rd time). So in terms of this I got my mother, who works very hard to make things work and does most of the parenting since my father wont. She also had problems with miss-using her perscriptions. So she missed the years of my life 3-5 or so. So through all of this I was an independant and curious kid. Well after awhile I started to realize how things really were, you know that time when your a kid and you slightly lose that fantasy life of imagination. Well after a bit I couldn't focus on my grades, so those fell. Then my freind introduced me to herb at age 11. So with that I fell through a hole and then the floor of that hole so-to speak. Well since 11 I've been addicted to bud. While I can kind of cope with life, it's kinda hard for me to. I am a juggalo, so naturally the "Wicked shit" kinda reliefs me, but it's not enough. I have always had a coping method, though always unhealthy, it worked. but since I cant smoke weed, harm myself. I have been having many suicidal contemplations, and have nearly followed through a time or 3. so the issue is this, I cant cope with my addiction to herb, the fact that I never really had a father just drags me down even further into wanting to stone the emotion away. While I'm diong better (0.5 gpa to a 2.5 gpa.) I'm still having a hella hard time. So if any of you took the time to read this I guess I'll stop complaining and sraight up ask for a little help, if you will take the time.
     
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