My Jealousy

[emotional_girl]

I want to start this by saying that my husband is wonderful. He truly loves me. I do not believe he has ever been unfaithful to me, as far as actually having an affair with someone. That being said, here is my issue: I can't stand for my husband to look at another woman as if he is attracted to her. I understand that is unreasonable of me. I've been told by lots of people that men are going to be attracted to women, even men who are happily married, love their wives and would never be unfaithful...they still are attracted to other women, it's something they can't help. But I hate it I wonder why he has to look at other women like that if he is so much in love with me and truly thinks I am so beautiful, which he keeps telling me I am. He always tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. I wonder though, if that's the case, why does he feel the need to stare at other women like he does? That is actually the only thing we ever argue about. The arguing has gotten so bad that he denies being attracted to other women now. In the beginning of our marriage, he actually admitted to me that he was attracted to other women ("I don't want to be with anybody but you, but there are a lot of women that are beautiful"); I guess he didn't even think anything about telling me that because other women he had been involved with before me didn't mind, as long as he wasn't doing anything (the oh so popular "look-but-don't-touch outlook). But now he tells me that he is not attracted to other women anymore and when I see him looking at a woman and ask him about it, he comes up with an excuse why he was looking (example: "I thought I recognized her as the wife of somebody I know and was looking to see if that's who she was").
I know it is stupid of me to feel this way, but I can't help it. This is how I feel. Why I'm posting this...mostly because something happened today while we were watching t.v. (cute woman on a t.v. show), it triggered suicidal feelings in me and I guess I was hoping that if I typed this out, got my feelings out, it would help me get over it.

 

[Rayne]

I feel the same and my boyfriend doesn't look at other women.
He tells me he doesn't feel the need to, and I've never seen him look at another woman (except when this girl took her top off in public, flashing for no reason - he looked absolutely disgusted and commented on how classless she was!)

So even if he DOES look at other women, I have no reason to think he's lying and I'm happy with the way things work for us.

Why on earth does your husband think it's okay to look at other women in front of you?! If he has to look, he could at least do it when you weren't around. I think that's incredibly disrespectful.

EDIT: Also, s* I hope you're okay :/ Make sure you come on here and rant whenever you feel like this, get it out of your system.

 

[emotional_girl]

Wow, so it's not actually true that all men do it. That thought had at least been giving me some peace about it. Everybody has told me that, including a therapist. I had convinced my husband to go to marriage counseling at one time (over only that one issue; everything else is fine between us) if for nothing else, to help me learn how to cope with it, and the therapist we went to see treated me like an idiot because I felt the way I did (even though I told her when we first started the session that I realized I was wrong to feel the way I do and just needed to learn to cope with it, she still was very rude to me about it and made me feel like an idiot over it. That's why we only went for 2 sessions; I didn't like how she made me feel). She said the same thing everybody else says: "All men do it. They can't help it. It's in their genes."

 

[Rayne]

Even if he can't help looking, he can at least have enough respect for you to not do it when you're around. Surely he has some restraint! My boyfriend might do it when I'm not there, I make an effort not to think about it and I can live happily with our situation. None of my friend's partners look at other women in front of them, so it can't be that difficult. Could you maybe ask that your husband just refrains when you're around?

It was wrong of your therapist to make you feel like an idiot, how unprofessional of her. Perhaps you could try another therapist? They're certainly not all like that.

 

[emotional_girl]

Yeah, I've discussed with him about at least just not doing it in front of me. Now he tries to do it out of the corner of his eye or positioning himself so he can see somebody's reflection in glass or something like that so as not to look directly at them, and I've told him that I can tell when he's doing that and to please not look at all when I'm around but he keeps doing it. And when he does look directly at someone he comes up with a reason why he's looking at her.
I don't know if he just doesn't care how I feel or if he thinks I'm just so silly for feeling the way I do; and that he's in the right and I'm in the wrong or whatever...that he doesn't care how much that bothers me. I truly believe that the only reason he even tries to deny it now is to avoid arguments...not to spare my feelings. Because when it comes to anything else, he cares how I feel.

 

[emotional_girl]

So...do you think my husband doesn't really love me? Do you think it's just an act? Now I'm feeling more depressed than ever at the thought that he might not really love me.

 

[Rayne]

There's no reason to think he doesn't love you. When did you last discuss this with him?

 

[emotional_girl]

I just got to thinking...if other men are able to control it around their wives/ girlfriends, but he doesn't control it around me, maybe he doesn't love me. But, in every other aspect of our relationship the signs are all there that he does love me. I think it's just because he doesn't realize the seriousness of that situation for me...because he sees it as silly, that's how he treats it.
I actually discussed this with him today because I got to feeling so depressed over it from reading what you've posted, I realized I'd better be honest with him about that actually being a trigger for my suicidal feelings. So, I was honest with him about it, and he truly seemed to feel bad about that he had triggered the sucicidal feelings in me and I'm thinking maybe he'll take this situation more seriously now.

 

[Rayne]

I think you're right and he just didn't realise how bad it really was - he does seem to care for you.
I'm glad you talked, he seems to want to help with this, but it will take time. Remember to come on here and vent whenever you need to! :hug:

 

[emotional_girl]

Well, I've talked to him about it before...several times...but that was the first time I've told him that it is one of my suicide triggers.

 

[Datura]

he comes up with an excuse why he was looking (example: "I thought I recognized her as the wife of somebody I know and was looking to see if that's who she was").

How do you know that isn't the truth? What makes you think he's lying?

I know it is stupid of me to feel this way, but I can't help it.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, I've discussed with him about at least just not doing it in front of me. Now he tries to do it out of the corner of his eye or positioning himself so he can see somebody's reflection in glass or something like that so as not to look directly at them, and I've told him that I can tell when he's doing that and to please not look at all when I'm around but he keeps doing it.

Seems to me you are over analyzing your husband's body language.

And when he does look directly at someone he comes up with a reason why he's looking at her.

You ask him to provide reasons? It'd be best to stop with the inquiries.

I was honest with him about it, and he truly seemed to feel bad about that he had triggered the sucicidal feelings in me and I'm thinking maybe he'll take this situation more seriously now.

There's this thing called personal accountability. You are controlling your husband. You ask him not to look at women, you believe he's lying, and now you are blaming him for how you feel? What are you afraid of, anyway? That he is going to run off with a woman he sees at a restaurant? Take into consideration that your behavior will drive him away before he is enticed by the wiles of another.

The problem here is not other women, it is not your husband. INSECURITY is to blame. Your husband is suffering due to your insecurity, as are you, as is this relationship. THAT is what needs to be addressed as opposed to dictating where your husband can or can't look, or turning the channel when an attractive female is on television.

If you cannot tackle this issue on your own, either read a book pertaining to self esteem, or seek out a more qualified therapist.

 

[Rayne]

I agree that a more qualified therapist would be a good idea, but otherwise I still think he is being disrespectful and there is nothing wrong with you feeling jealous. None of my friends - male or female - would like it if their partner was looking at other people in that way right in front of them.

 

[Datura]

She is already questioning his love for her after ruminating over your initial comments. Keep on adding fuel to that fire...

 

[Rayne]

I never said he didn't love her. I saidd he probably didnt realise ust how badly it hurt her, so she needed to explain.

Anyway, people should never be told to just get over something or that they're abnormal for not being comfortable with something in their relationship. The problem needs to be looked at from both sides, especially if it's something that really is not an issue in every relationship.

 

[Strider]

I just registered to this site to talk about some issues and learn more about others and at the same time learn more about me.
To begin with I'm a married man, married to a beautiful woman who I fell in love ever since I first saw. She has a model like body but doesn't act like hot girl, she is very pretty, and most important she is a very nice person.
We got married at age 25 and we still are at 29.
There have been lots of issues in our life and we have gone through ups and downs like everybody else.
Anyways emotional girl as a man who has a father, uncles, grandfathers, brothers, nephews, and lots of male friends let me tell you that we all look at other women even if we are married, or crazy in love.
Even my very gay friend checks out women once in awhile.
Its part of our instinct its part of being male. Sure its not very polite to look at other women when around your significant other but once in a very rare while we might slip.
Now if your husband is constantly looking at other women like 10-20 times a day then he might have a problem.
Now if he can't even look up for fear that another woman might cross his path and incite your ire then you might have a problem.
Also if you are pushing him to the limit were he has to lie to you and be dishonest then you might be pushing your marriage into trouble.
Now ask yourself this. What is "love" to you?

 

[emotional_girl]

How do you know that isn't the truth? What makes you think he's lying?



Yes, you can.




Seems to me you are over analyzing your husband's body language.



You ask him to provide reasons? It'd be best to stop with the inquiries.




There's this thing called personal accountability. You are controlling your husband. You ask him not to look at women, you believe he's lying, and now you are blaming him for how you feel? What are you afraid of, anyway? That he is going to run off with a woman he sees at a restaurant? Take into consideration that your behavior will drive him away before he is enticed by the wiles of another.

The problem here is not other women, it is not your husband. INSECURITY is to blame. Your husband is suffering due to your insecurity, as are you, as is this relationship. THAT is what needs to be addressed as opposed to dictating where your husband can or can't look, or turning the channel when an attractive female is on television.

If you cannot tackle this issue on your own, either read a book pertaining to self esteem, or seek out a more qualified therapist.

Wow, you make me feel like the worst person in the world!

As for being controlling, let's just say hypothetically that my husband was sleeping with another woman (he's not, but I'm using this as an example). If I asked him to stop sleeping with her, would that be controlling? Where is the line drawn? To me, devotion goes to the extreme. I love my husband so much that I don't have any interest at all in other men. And I respect my husband enough that I don't give other men attention that belongs to my husband. To me, that is true devotion. I'm not sure if that will make any sense to anybody, but that's how I feel.

And as for driving my husband away, other men may not be mature enough to handle issues that arise in their marriages, but my husband is mature enough to handle all of my insecurities, as well as my depression and my suicidal thoughts. Most men would have already jumped ship by now with all of that going on, but my husband is in this marriage for the long haul, no matter what comes along..."For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part." My husband meant those words when he said them to me, just like I meant them when I said them to him.

I'm scared to post my feelings on here anymore for fear that I'm going to be judged.

 

[Rayne]

You won't be judges, EG. Anything you feel is only natural. You seem to have faith and respect for your husband, so sweet. Any change?

 

[emotional_girl]

Hi! Thank you so much for your caring words!

Actually, since I talked to him about it last week I haven't noticed him doing it anymore.

 

[Rayne]

That's fantastic! :biggrin:
Feeling any better about things in that regard?

 

[emotional_girl]

Yes, I do feel better! Thank you so much!

:hug: