My Job: It may be the reason I haven't killed myself yet...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by stuck_in_limbo, Sep 1, 2012.

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  1. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    So here I am -- 42 and still of flesh and blood -- yay... I've known now for 22 years that the best thing for everybody (and it's not all that many people, believe me...) is for me to be gone. But in the meantime, I have to work for a living. I know, I know -- I should be lucky to have a full-time job in this economy, and you're right. But for the most part in those past 22 years, that's all I've really had of any importance or significance -- save a friend here and there, but eventually I manage to burn bridges. Anyway, since a job is all I've really had, my investment into it was way out of proportion with other areas of my life that were empty. I really placed too much importance and self-pressure with my jobs.

    When I was younger, I really went all out. I wanted to feel in control of my workspace, and if anybody didn't comply, my temper would flare up quicker than an A-bomb. Later on, I mellowed out, realizing yelling and complaining didn't get me anywhere. Still, however, my validity in this world depended on my job.

    I noticed this yesterday very clearly. I was sort of in charge of my workplace in the absence of my superior. Needless to say, there's a lot of reports, counts, scans, customer assistance and checking involved with working for the Postal Service. I have to say that I handled it pretty well, but that's nothing new. I know when it gets busy or harried or stressful (up to a point) that even though I might groan slightly or roll my eyes that I really take it all in stride -- immersing myself in the idea of staying visibly busy and coming through in the clutch -- straying away from the fact that I had absolutely nothing to do this Labor Day weekend. Even on days where I'll start out depressed, eventually I know I'll have no choice but to be civil, if not friendly with the customers and professional with my co-workers.

    I now understand why I felt so confused when I left for the day at an office I previously worked at. The retail window was much busier, and there were carriers that worked out of this office whereas there are none in my current workplace. It got to the point where I was overworked. When I was done, I wasn't sure if I was productive enough.

    In some earlier jobs, I was easy pickings to be ribbed and teased -- though not maliciously, I understood that. But I had to stick with it, what else could I do?

    And all this would not be an issue if I was talking about working at something I really liked. I know I like the idea of doing a good job, but that's not the same thing. I'll just be depressed and wish I was dead until Tuesday rolls around and I'll jump back into being Mr. Consciencous Employee.

    If I realized how little work meant in the long run (it's not like I'm a doctor or fireman) then maybe I'd finally realize I'm killing time on this earth when I should be really killing myself. I have no more desire for anything else, and if I focus all my energy into my job, then I'm just going to continue being the zombie that I am now. I have to see that my job means NOTHING. I'm only financially supporting myself. I don't have my own family. It means NOTHING, thus I mean NOTHING. The sooner I realize that, the better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun the sooner you work on what makes you happy the better off you will be. Find an activity you always wanted to try and do it a sport a class you always wanted to take
    Do something for YOU hun
  3. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I don't know how to find happiness. I've messed up with things I've liked in the past. I can't finish anything all the way through. I just need someone to tell me how to fool myself into taking enough sleeping pills and Neurontin that will finish me...
  4. depressedkitty

    depressedkitty Active Member

    Ummm 97% if pill overdoses fail right? Be careful you don't want a disability.
  5. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Take it from me. I've tried that twice. Don't take pills, you'll just hurt yourself and end up even worse off than before. You sound kind of like me when I used to work for the railway--just did it for the money, although I could still take pride in doing a good job. I had some comforts and conveniences with the money I made, but was still depressed as hell much of the time.
  6. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    If taking pills is too risky, then I don't know what to do. I'm talking to my therapist, and realizing that I'm probably there just because it seems like the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm willing to change and can't think of what I might really want out of life. I'm afraid all I want to do is carry on and be left alone as much as possible. That's what I'm most comfortable with, and I have my escape mechanisms.

    Yet logically, I know this is wrong. I say it's by society's standards, but my therapist thinks that a copout. But everybody else I know is not a stump like me.

    There's really no place for me here on earth if I can't find any hope or desire within me. I'm just wasting time. Even though sometimes I hurt, it's still what I'm comfortable with. I don't think I have the will power or incentive to change that.

    Sorry -- I was hoping this would come across more clearly, but obviously I'm spewing the same old psychobabble...
  7. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I know how cliched it may sound, but have you considered getting into any new hobbies? Is there anything that you're passionate about that maybe you haven't done for some time? I personally love the escape that books offer me. I also started a YouTube channel of poetry, something I'm personally very passionate about, and it's given me a lot of enjoyment to work on little projects. I'm not saying you need to get in with a group activity, though socializing has helped me in some aspects as well. Some people get into volunteering, some get pets, some turn to religion, some go for a walk. My point is that it sounds like if you're concerned that your work is your whole life, then try to expand your life outside of work, even in the smallest ways like picking up a new book or watching a new TV show or going for a bike ride. I personally know how annoying it is when people just tell you to exercise more or eat a healthier diet and I know how hard it is to start something new when you feel in the depths of despair. I do think though that if you have enough energy to get up in the morning and go to work, then you must have the same energy to at least give something out of the ordinary a try. I have a hard time connecting with new people as well, so a lot of my hobbies are insular, but they've still kept me going.
  8. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I have a few hobbies -- things that I do on my own. With my job, I'm emotionally exhausted by the end of the day by trying to accomodate people yet not appear robotic in my service. So I'm spent and feel like having nothing to do with people. They would find me boring anyway.

    Try cutting down on gluten...

    ...or breathing....

    I'm lost...
  9. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    Peter Pan syndrome. I won't grow up and deal with responsibility and the complications of this world. I hope somehow this storm does me in and everything will be taken care of.
  10. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I'm just a shrill of a man ... FOREVER...FOREVER...FOREVER...FOREVER ---yes , judging by other people's standards, but isn't that what this world preaches? Does it really mean anything if I take a baby step and judge by a set of way-lowered expectations of standards? I don't know, but you can guess where I'm leaning... forever...forever...
  11. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I know what I have to do to feel better, but I won't do it. I've burned my bridges and have ostracized my family and everyone I've ever known. Is there any reason NOT to commit suicide?
  12. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    one year later and you are still here. obviously, this mean some small part of you WANTS to be here. you want to see what might happen, what could happen, what the possibilities could be. even if the majority of you has given up...the tiny part of you who hasn't, is keeping you here. that means something.
  13. Roam

    Roam Member

    This sounds a lot like me. I have also been a zombie, just working and nothing else. Working drains most of my energy and I burn out very often. I don't feel like socializing most of the time but, with the right person, just going for a coffee sometimes lifts me up even if it's just for a couple of hours and gives me back some energy.
  14. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I may think there are things to live for, but I can't tell what is achievable in realty and unachievable. I think something drastic has to happen in my life to give me that push I need to go through with the ultimate escape. This is just me -- I hope you all feel better soon.
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