My knife

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TaraJo, Aug 25, 2009.

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  1. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    A couple of months ago, when I was in the middle of a breakdown, I got my exacto knife. The next day was when I started cutting myself. As of now, the underside of my left arm is covered in light scaring.

    Honestly, I'm starting to understand what people are saying when they talk about cutting being addictive. Honestly, it doesn't hurt anymore and even though I'm calm, there's an urge to cut now. I'm only ignoring it because I'm looking for work and fresh cuts look bad on an interview.

    However, I was digging through my purse today, looking for something and.... I came across that knife. The one I used to put (almost) all those scars on my arm.

    So.... what do I do with it? Part of me thinks throwing it away would be the best option simply because I won't be tempted when I'm calm like right now. However, when I do get stressed, I'm worried that if I can't cut myself, I may do something else.... something lethal. I've made multiple suicide attempts and all it takes is a bottle of pills; What if overwhelming stress hits me and I could relieve it by cutting but I don't have my knife and, instead, I do commit suicide?

    My feelings are so convulted here.
  2. Madison_Rose

    Madison_Rose Active Member

    Is it possible for you to remove all potentially fatal pills from your house? [Edit:] Then, if you felt comfortable doing so, you could throw away your knife. I think this would be the best thing. I agree it's a difficult situation.
  3. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Sorry; I have medications that I have to take, daily. If I took a whole bottle at once..... that's all she wrote. Also, my Dr. sorta prescribed I take half an aspirin each day with my pills to help balance some of the side effects and I know enough aspirin can kill.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Maybe it would be a good thing if you post your thoughts here when you feel calm and you want to cut. I am sure you will find some people who have gone through similar feelings in the the chat room here. don't hurt yourself.
  5. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Wow; I'm surprised I didn't post it here.

    A while back, I was wanting to cut for... no reason. It scared me.

    So, I took my knife and threw it as far out the window as I could.

    The temptation seems to be gone without the knife here..... but I wonder, what will I do when stress hits now?
  6. TaraJo

    TaraJo Banned Member

    Yeah; lack of a job is starting to get to me. The economy sucks and I'm having a really tough time getting work. I'm getting really stressed over it and a large part of me wants to go out and get a knife and start cutting again. I dunno anymore.....
  7. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    Hey TaraJo, I know about the urge to cut for no reason. It has that effect.
    I can't say anything about the economy, but hold in there, and don't cut. You were strong enough to throw away the knife, you can keep yourself from getting another one.
    You can do it :)
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