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my last day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aloner, Jan 21, 2008.

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  1. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    I've wanted to kill myself for so long. I've been waiting because there are things that I didn't want to leave unfinished. Now I realize that it doesn't really matter. If I'm going to kill myself then really, what is the point of trying to make anything right? It's hopeless anyway.

    I could tell the person I love that I love them. I've always wanted to but I don't think it's a good idea. If they don't love me back and I run off to kill myself then they'll think it's their fault. However, I think there's a slim chance they feel the same way and that would be even worse. I can't actually be with them because I'll infect them with a terrible disease.

    I think I love them too much to tell them because I really want them to be happy. They deserve better.

    I've let everyone down. I'll never be good enough. I can't stand that my family is so dissapointed in me. I never wanted to hurt them. I know if I kill myself that it will hurt them a lot but I can't stand the pain anymore. I'm not a very good person and I can't change no matter how hard I try.

    I just hope I don't fail at killing myself too. Knowing my luck someone will probably find me barely alive and I'll wake up in the hospital. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living.

    I think tomorrow might be my last day.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi aloner, i'm glad you found this forum. it sounds like you are in alot of pain, i understand, i've been there.

    can you say more about what's going on? it has really helped me to share how i'm feeling online, it kind of takes the edge off and things i'd be embrarassed to say out loud just kinda slip out. people here are so kind and and will always lend you an ear.
  3. Shogun

    Shogun Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2008
  4. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    I guess I was being a little overdramatic. I'll be honest. I just wanted some attention. When I'm really stressed out I just don't know what to do. I just wanted to vent.

    Ironically that guy pissed me off so much that I started to feel like myself again. Feeling anything, even intense anger at someone's blatant callousness and stupidity or this terrible loneliness, is better than not feeling at all.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    you obviously need help. please come talk to us, we know what your suffering from. but again, suicide is not a joke. not a joke for your safety, your loved ones, and those here who are truely in a sucidial crisis. People who really are might need more help than you deserve right now but wont have it since you kinda fake it. thats allright but suicide is now way a joke, nor when we are planning it and thinking about it here is.
    please stay safe.
  6. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Sorry about that bodypilot troll.. his account and IP have been banned now and i've deleted his posts.. sorry he wrote that shit and sorry that you saw it.. i hope that things improve for you and that you still feel able to talk here on this forum about your thoughts and feelings.. x
  7. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I hope you get over it :hug: Stay around here and you might meet some nice people.
  8. zzz

    zzz Well-Known Member

    Hi Aloner,

    You sound like a really nice soul to me, so please don’t do anything hasty.

    All you have to be is who you are, that’s good enough. And you haven’t let anybody down; you don’t have to match other people’s expectations.

    To have the attitude that others deserve better than you shows that there is some real depth to you. But of course it’s not true. We all have an equal right to happiness.

    I know it’s hard, but there is a reason for all these problems.

    Best wishes from zzz.
  9. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    I wouldn't say that I was "faking it" exactly. When my depression gets out of hand I can think of nothing but killing myself. I scare myself. Then there are also times when I think that the idea is stupid and things aren't really so bad after all.

    The ups and downs are exhuasting. I haven't found balance yet but I'm striving for it. The way I view myself and the world is always changing and I'm always struggling to see the real picture. Sometimes my happiness just feels like an illusion and other times my depression is the illusion. In the moment everything I feel is real to me so it's hard to know the truth. It's hard for me to keep control of things when I question myself in such a way.

    Good news is I've decided to keep on even though things seem really bad right now. I still have some hope that I might get better.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    stay safe hun and please try and hang in there*hugs* lynn
  11. darling1974

    darling1974 Member

    Hi, just want to respond to what you said about your depression making things feel more extreme then they might on another day. I experience things the same way, if I'm feeling distressed emotionally my thoughts go straight to suicide, but they are only thoughts, though I don't like going there. What I have learned, and this after a round of SSRI's for a couple of years, which I'm now stopping, is that if I can wait the feelings out, they will pass. It's terribly difficult to imagine I know, but these feelings can pass in the moment. They will come back, but then you will remember that they passed the last time...an d so on. The real challenge is to sit with it, as painful as it is. Sometimes this means getting some help, if it's too much, and that's okay too, because ultimately you're just finding a way to help yourself get through the waiting period. This place is a good way to do this. glad you wrote.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member


    I can so much feel you pain
    im going to end it this tuesday coming; no matter what my friends from here have tried nor guilt for my parents and freinds; i will leave this world
    I feel very strange yet dead mentally speaking as no one seems to respect my own determination

    as for my personal experience it helped me to see my relatives for the last time; its kinda selfish thats why i understand you when your saying that they deserve happiness; however it kinda help me to heal from guilt

    Unless any ple here and im probably going to be banned for saying so; but if not; im not encouraging to do so just hope that you find peace in whatever you choose and strenght to keep going on
    Pm if you want
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2008
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