... my last failed suicide attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by dark_malina, Jul 11, 2007.

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  1. dark_malina

    dark_malina Member

    it happened out of nowhere, time ago, November last year... i haven't talked to anyone about it in a more profound way because it's hard to let all the things out, it didn't happen because i realised things i had never seen but because i saw my life completely and realised how i had never been happy and how i was never going to be the way things were going, also because i have this theory about crossing lines, for example when a person kills a line is crossed and they can never be the same again and they can never be happy again, sort of what happened to me with suffering... i have suffered so much that i have the idea that if happiness came i wouldn't know how to recognize it and i would destroy everything i touched, i learned to cover myself in some sort of shell and not let people hurt me and at the same time that shell maybe doesn't let me taste the beauty in things

    i imagine this forum is to tell the way one feels and it doesn't get out of here, and anyway who'd be so cruel if they knew me to go publishing my desasters lol :tongue: and who cares at all ... lol

    well, this is how it happened: i went to this party, with friends, i was n love with this guy, i hoped things would work out for us and one day i'd be the girlfriend but i was so wrong, he wantd to be my friend but also gave me hopes, it's the sort of things guys do without realizing i guess, so i went and he brought this really fat gross girl and started making out with her, she had started tobe my riva for not long ago and it was hard for me since it's normal for any girl that the guy might fall for aprtty girl and one can tae it easier but this girl was really gross and big... bigger than me xD and istarted to get drunk and drunk and in the end couldn't take it anymore and went home, it didn't stop there, i continued to drink in my bed as my aunt is an alcoholic and my parents leave some alcohol for her hidden since they don't drink or smoke and we're almost the perfect family if it weren't for me the suicidal psycho who fucks up everything she touches, well i started to listen to Placebo "without you i'm nothing" and then looking at my whole life, being raped in a mormon church at 6, then getting fat, then grandpa tried to put his hands on me too, my desaster when i traveled to US... the only time i had sex for love was with this guy who didn't want me as his couple, he just wanted me sometimes, then left me, to forget him i became a whore, slpt with anyone who was willing, i felt ugly and unwanted and that was the only thing that made me believe i was worth something, and when i snapped out of it and stopped being a whore... all that as left was this hatred towards myself for always messing things up, i tried tghe gym and anphets i took pills i ran lots i became really thin but when i looked in the mirror i was the same person same fat one i always saw and always bought big things not realizing i had lost weight... at church and in school people made fun of me in so many ways until i felt there was something wrong with me...

    now that i'm at Uni things have changed and people respect me, but i haven't changed inside and the pain is the same, so complicated to put i all in words... to explain it all, and that's how i grabbed a butcher knife and slit my wrists and bleed for a whole day... i should have cut them way down and not across if i had known how i now know it would have all ended, but it didn't and i got to university hospita to get stitches and for the deep of the wounds i was sent to a psychiatric from the army hospital i stayed for a week only cause they determined i wasn't dangerous but only nervous because of what was around me, they wanted me to rest but dad didnĀ”'t allow it, he wanted me to finish college sooner and i obeyed like i always do, i can remember when i was a child and he beat me everday with sticks with his belt and anything on the way, once i pooped myself afraid of moving and saying i wanted to go to the bathroom cause i feared he'd take it as defying, or when i told mom i had been raped at church after so many yeas and she said it didn't matter that that happened many times and it was normal, then they act like vyctrims and say i'm the bad one, i hate it and i always hoped i'd ge out of their constant telling me i'm stupid and wrong and that without them i'd die and loose my teeth under a bridge and that who would ever want to be with me if i'm nothing but disgusting that's why i tried to kill myself and hoped to die.

    now i only hope i finish my career and just go away, i found someone who loves me but i haven't told them about him, i'm hoping one day this is over and i can get past all the pain with him beside me and i can be a normal person and not make the people who hurt me happy or give them the right to say i was the one wrong and that they were vyctims of me like they always say... this is what i learned from my act of suicide, the psychiatrists helped me understand that this was not my fault but it will be if i don't make the effort to fix this abuse.
  2. I hope everything works out well with you and your boyfriend, Malina. I've talked with you many times, and it seems like you will have a much better future than you have in the past. Take care.
  3. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    it is rarely known that most wrist slits do not end in death. you have to hit a big vein. supposedly it is painful. i can only empathize, not knowing what your experiences are like. but it seems that now you have a plan and future possiblities.
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