My Last Hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RedBadger111, Aug 24, 2013.

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  1. RedBadger111

    RedBadger111 New Member

    Hi everybody

    I've literally come to the end of my road and saw this forum as my last hope. I'm too afraid to speak to anybody about this matter so hopefully somebody can help me feel a little bit better. NOBODY and i mean NOBODY even suspects that i'm suicidal. My dad and friends are completely blind. I'm VERY good at hiding these emotions. I'm usually a very happy and outgoing person but i feel like those emotions are fake and just cover up how i'm really feeling.

    I've been contemplating suicide since 2008 and it haunts me daily. I constantly think about it. I even get to the point where i plan the whole event and see it as some kind of sick game. I don't see myself living pass 30. I feel like i have some goal or mission in life that i have to complete and then i will leave this earth hopefully inspiring somebody with my completed mission and being remembered. Yes, i do suffer from quite a lot of depression. I go to bed nearly every single night feeling depressed, crying and talking to myself. A lot of things depress me. I grew up in a household surrounded with love, i went to school and graduated and had no problems. My mother died in 2009 from breast cancer but this was not the main cause for my suicidal thoughts. Actually, it has nothing t do with my suicidal thoughts.

    I have really bad skin on my body and i'm ashamed to walk around the house with my t-shirt off, i don't want anybody to see me naked. I've been this way since i was a kid, i was always chubby, people made fun of me and i hated it. I also have a very small penis, it troubles me immensely to the point where i don't even have any interest in the opposite sex because i'm ashamed of it and ashamed of the consequences that follow if another female see's it. People even told me when i was small that i had a very small penis. I'm a freelance artist and i don't make that much money and often feel unappreciated. I used to be pretty outgoing with my career and i actually had a very successful year in 2011 but as of recently, i have lost interest. I sometimes don't know how to express myself correctly during conversations and end up sounding like an idiot. Peoplse opinions about me matter because my career made me that way. There's just so many things that trouble me, i'm in a VERY dark place at the moment and constantly think about ending it. I'm trying my hardest to get out of this ditch. I would really appreciate any words of advice or anything that can make me feel better. I really don't want to end it but i'm thinking about it.

  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, RedBadger111. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I hope you will find support here.

    You mention that you suffer from a lot of depression. It might be an idea to get a complete medical check up done. Some physical conditions can cause depression-like feelings. Also, if you have clinical depression, a doctor might prescribe anti-depressants as well as counselling/therapy. Meds and therapy help a lot of people. It can be a real relief to have someone to talk to who can give us a completely objective opinion and help us find some insight into our feelings.

    It sounds like you have quite a few things on your mind. When a lot of things pile up, that can also make a person feel very stressed and down.

    I'm glad you found this site and I'm sure that as you read threads and talk to people, you'll find that many people have similar feelings for various reasons. Looking forward to seeing more of you around the forums. Be safe!
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