my last hope

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dying_inside, Mar 28, 2011.

  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Hi... a little about me, hoping someone can help...

    i'm 29, from italy (forgive my english). i'm still living with my parents because i cant afford a place on my own and my depression doesnt leave me any energy to find a better job than the swimming teacher i am.

    i'm studying psychology at university and should finish within a year, but i've been kind of stuck with it too... i don't have energy to do what i should and have lost motivation. i liked reading books and thought i could help people, but soon i have realized i wouldnt be able to.

    i've ovedosed sleeping pills twice since december and went to hospital for it and stayed in the mental health center for a couple of days.
    i'm seeing the mental health center's therapist since december twice a month and after the last overdose i've restarted seeing again the therapist i had for 3 years but that i stopped seeing this summer.
    none of them are helping. i mean: what is an hour a week compared to the rest of the days?

    there is nothing that interests me, nothing that makes me happy. my parents love me but dont understand me. i dont have friends whom i can talk to, never had a boyfriend, i'm always alone in my room waiting for time to pass, waiting to get the courage to try to end it all again.
    because i cant stand anything. everything is so hard, everything is a duty, but when i let myself doing nothing i feel bad anyway.
    breathing hurts. i can't sleep... the only thing that gives me a break is writing some sort of journal, but can one live to write a journal?

    i dont know what to do with my life and i'm tired of thinking the same things over and over and feeling the same feelings over and over. it has gone worse and worse during the last 6 years, when i admitted to myself i was molested/abused for 10 years by my coach.

    i've worked on it and i think i'm over it, but my vision of the world and life as a constant pain and loss has stayed within me. during these years i've wanted to feel bad and worked to lead myself to suicide and freedom. i've isolated myself, i cut and drink and have pushed away everyone and any chance to be helped.

    now i'm scared. i've succeeded in making myself feel hopeless, that my life is worthless and i cant be helped.

    i feel like this forum is my last chance, my last hope.

    can anyone relate?
    any advice?

    thanks for listening
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is what depression does to ones mind is make you thing things are hopeless when they are NOT You need to get on some medication to level out the chemicals in your brain continue with therapy and your schooling as well. It give you purpose. With meds yu can heal some they will give you the energy but mostly the clearness of thought. I hope you do continue to reach out okay This is a great step here you are doing You can get well call your doctor okay and get started on antidepressant hugs