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My last new year

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bigpmc, Dec 31, 2010.

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  1. bigpmc

    bigpmc Member

    Hello, My name is Paul-Im new to the forums, and to be honest I dont really know why Im posting this. Therre is nothing that anyone can do to help me, but I suppose I just wanted to write this all down somewhere.

    Im 27, and tonight I made the decision that this new year would be my last. I have given myself 6 months to turn things round-and if not, well I have a plan. I dont have the materials I need at the moment, but they arent hard to come by.

    I moved from my home town to live with my girlfriend, I have no friends, no job (not for the want of trying though), obviously no money-no family here and nowhere to go. I am a prisoner in the house, trapped, at least in prison you can look forward to getting out. I can look forward to nothing. At first I thought things might just get better, but its been 4 years now and if anything were going to happen it would have done so by now.

    I consider myself an intelligent guy, and so failing to get even a very basic job (we're talking McDonalds here), has had a real impact on me. On top of this I have a long term illness that began shortly after moving here-Im just tired of being in pain from my condition, feeling ill, not being able to get a job and having to rely on others for support. The only times I ever leave the house are to attend hospital appointments.

    I contribute nothing, and its a logical fact that it would be better if i were not around. I am a disappointment to my family, especially my parents who sacrificed so much to get me into a private school, and for what? Ive let them and everyone else down-most of all i have disappointed myself. My life thus far has been an abject failure, and no matter how much you kid yourself that things might improve-you have to draw the line somewhere.

    As I said I dont know what I expect from writing this-there is nothing that anyone can do (unless they can offer me a job, friends and family). I have tried discussing it with my partner, but she doesnt want to know-if I spend any time with her at all its 1 or 2 hours whilst she is in the back room on facebook after getting in from work-then she goes to bed, and Im on my own again. My family only ring when they want something (usually advice on fixing their computers), and as I say I have no friends or anyone else to talk this through with. Im sorry for the long wall of text, but I thought before I did anything I should probably write my feelings down.

    Thank you for reading, those who made it to the end
  2. Pleaseletmego

    Pleaseletmego Member

    Hello. I too have only just signed up and made my first post. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk in more depth. Thinking of you. x
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG you are only 26 you can change your path you have time to do so.
    It is your illness that has failed not you YOu did not ask to be sick. To fill your time take another course one that will lead you into the job market There are so many people your age without jobs the government screwed that up not YOU Time is on your side okay you are not my age you have a future you can still change don't give up so easy take a new course talk to your doctors get new meds new therapy but know you are NOT the failure okay You still have time to obtain dreams goals you still can make it so hugs:cheekkiss:cheekkiss
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Paul and Welcome to the forum.
    I think you're being far too hard on yourself here. You've moved to a strange city with no support and you've been seriously ill for sometime. Now you're suffering from depression on top of that.
    Those are big things to be going through and to be honest, in a perfect world, no one would be expecting you to get a job and earn some money. Everyone would be expecting you to concentrate on getting well and would be doing all they can to support you. Sadly we don't live in a perfect world but that isn't your fault either.
    What we need to work on with you is improving the quality of your life and we can help you to do that if you're willing to try. Unless you've had previous episodes of depression there's a good chance that this is a reactive depression and relatively easy to conquer.
    You say that you're going to give yourself 6 months. Why not spend that time here learning coping skills and more about mental health problems? I'm more than happy to talk to you at any time, just send me a pm.
    Don't give up yet, the New Year could bring good things.
  5. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    You got a girlfriend. That's something to live for.
  6. bigpmc

    bigpmc Member

    It would be but not when I feel that my presence in her life is a bad thing for her. As I said before I am essentially a leech on her, how can that not be a bad thing?
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Does your gf share these feelings of yours Not fair to make assumptions on her part She loves you and you do not get to chose what is good for her or not that is her chose okay So by leaving her that would only cause her endless suffering and pain not a good move okay let her love you as she want to don't destroy her world by leaving it
  8. Quills

    Quills New Member

    If you want a friend then pm please.
    I am a freelance programmer, so if you feel like doing any projects together or something to occupy your mind from thinking about suicide then I will gladly help you.
  9. Remember what i am going to say now:" NO pain will lasts as long as it will & even when everything is going wrong, it is possible to be STRONG"..

    Please don't do any harm to yourself and please stay safe..

    we are here for you. Thank you for your cooperation.. :wink:
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