My last post

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Aug 8, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I hope this will stay and not be removed or considered as a suicide note..

    This is an apology to everyone here..

    I know i am dumb.. i know i am stupid.. i know i am pathic.. I am sorry i made others sick here , that was never my intention...

    I only needed to know if there was someone somewhere who could actually love me, who would care for me, who could be there to help me get out of this pain , but i cant get out of it..

    I am seen as stupid..

    I am seen as a child ( no wonder the daltons wanted me to pass notes through a third party ) cause i am seen as a child inside..

    I am a child damn it.. i am a child of God that is hurting way to much , that has had way too much happen to her , that needs it to stop..

    I added pain when i need not ad anymore.. i cant help anyone here.. i cant even help my own stupid pathic life...

    i am useless

    i am unloved..

    i can take it.. i have tooken too much already. i am in an emotional wreck right now... yep , go on and laugh at me , its okay cause i will lay down and let you all cast everything you got at me...

    im sorry.. i cant handel it anymore.. i cant handel this pain.. i cant handel the emotional pain. i cant handel the physical pain..

    my family hates me. ( they never once loved me )

    the daltons hate me ( they never called )

    God hates me , ( he allowed me to have this cancer )

    I meant no harm to anyone yet thats what i am doing is hurting others and my heart cant bear anymore.. it just cant..

    im sorry , i mean no harm , none...

    i thought helping others or at least trying to help others would help me also to heal but its not helping at all...

    expressive_child thank you hun and let them know when its time to...

    forgive me everyone..?

    i am not strong nor worth it...

    my life is already dying ..

    my feelings mean nothing...

    others here need you , so help them... let me go , just let me go.....
  2. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    This is why I don't believe in god. Why would he put you through this? doesnt make sense to me.

    I see you've been posted ALOT of threads honey, I see this as a cry for help and that youre unsure. Please use this to NOT do it.
  4. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    All I can say now if I love you and like I have said before, even if you live in my memory forever, it will never be the same. PM won't feel the same anymore if you are gone cos you are the only one whom I chat with most so there is no way I won't feel empty without you. You have sent me a total of 258 Pms so far. I was thinking I will receive more than that, well, its really too bad I am not going through the same thing as you are right now, I mean not exactly so its hard for me to say anything that will convince you and anything that will ease your pain, sorry. You know that Dixie Chicks' song? Yeah, I am sure you know which one. I just think you are right about that song, all of it. Love you.. :hug:
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: Susan.

    You are worth so much more than you believe. God created you, and He does NOT create worthless things. Please stay with us. You have touched so many of us and will continue to do so if you only make the choice.
  6. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Hi? white dove, I'm Chris. It's my very first post..
    I've been following up on your posts and feel like I have to write you something, I hope you're still 'here' right now reading this..

    Ok, I do NOT have the audacity to say "I truly understand what you went through", but I can relate to how you may feel about yourself because..

    I've felt insecure about myself the entire life..(22&1/2). You may think 'that doesn't mean s**t,' but my self-hatred completely killed me inside. People really don't know how that feels.. (of course it's my own fault)

    I feel so..... SO EMPTY, no matter whatever I do, wherever I may go..
    because I succeeded in destroying every sense of value in my life..
    what saddens me more is that, if one told me "it's all excuses coming out of your lazy mouth", I would have nothing to say, only blaming my weak and fragile mind.

    I'm often so scared of my own pathetic life and even more scared of how people may view it, that
    even as I'm writing this, I'm 'scared' that you(white dove)'ll just ignore this as another loser's post.

    So devoid of any kind of attention, I've become a f**kin' attention whore..(hate myself for it) only not that attractive in any form or shape to get any..

    Ok, I'm not tellin' you all this, just to show you how XXXdamn stupid and worthless I'm. I'm already fuckin' sick of my self-deprecative jokes I make.

    Just wanted to say that I do understand the 'feeling' of being 'abandoned.'(even by your own self)

    You've been posting for a while, and I know all this consoling will not do you any good, when the depression hits you hard again.(I'm assuming that from my own experience.)

    As someone in your shoes(well, partially. but mostly because I've contemplated suicide many times too.),
    I do want to give you some time-tested solutions I tried myself.
    The best advice I can give you is: find one thing you really love to do. be it, playing music, having sex, reading tabloids, eating chocolates, posting 'flames'.. whatever.. and really 'delve into it.' Get crazy about it.
    Do it like there's no tommorrow.
    After all, what is the one thing that makes you go "this is life or death for me, I want to do this so bad."? Think about that.

    As for me, playing guitar and learning songs(fingerstyle) have been a big part of healing my life.(not anymore as of now)

    But the most effective one.. yet is 'escapism.' It works. If done right, it'll take your pain away, or help you pretend the pain doesn't exist.

    watch romantic movies, read mangas and really 'get into the character.'
    imagine yourself, as someone beautiful and weave stories around the new

    and just let your imaginations unfold. don't set any limitation. keep asking yourself, 'why can't this happen if it's just dreams.. all is possible.'

    (for example)
    Imagine a medieval castle mirrored in the shining lake,
    jump into it. Think you'll just fall and drown? Think again. No, you'll not drown. The door of the castle is right beneath water, you'll fall right into it..
    Yes, you CAN of course breathe underwater. The rooms will be filled with gems and beautiful paintings..

    just keep dreaming.. anything you desire. don't hold back anything, it can be bittersweet. Just let loose your imagination and take it to the extreme. Forget completely about yourself and the hardship.

    Listen to 'soft' music like bossa-nova and smooth Jazz, allow yourself to absorb lyrics and let the melody and soundscape take you somewhere higher.. serene and beautiful.

    Don't think me a fool, this method works. Guaranteed take your pain away(temporarily) if you want to be freed from it all for a moment. it's like a drug... keep taking them when you need'em.

    It'll at least work better than antidepressants.. that don't do anything.

    And about things you cannot change.. just pray. Even if you have ZERO faith
    just pray. Pray and talk to God, or your inner self. Do it everyday. Say prayers with zero faith, if you have to. It's ok. Just keep saying them.

    The cancer.. man... no one can feel your pain right now. Joinin' a church prayer group might help though.

    But..also think about the roof over our heads, the joy(?) of waking up to the sun and basking in its warmth tommorrow morning..

    none of that is guaranteed.. in any one's life. The next day they may be gone.
    People die from drunk-driving, skateboarding off the rail, mad dog bites, choking on vomits, 'sweet death', falling on slippery bathroom floor.... and many other stupid things.

    And mind you, it is a FACT that, some people live for years while carrying cancer or AIDS, and still manage to survive.

    We'll never know but I'm sure you still have a few good years in you, you may live for a couple more decades, definitely not 2~3 months.
    Don't you want to live longer and find out?

    and.. you shouldn't feel so worthless.. Everyone has one special gift.(that God bestowed, or you're born with) Everyone has one, Even I do.
    It is our job to search for it and find that special talent we have.

    You may not be able to help feeling so useless, but remember you do have that one special 'gift' you're born with.(Even I know I do, so you should)

    Look at all your previous posts and all the kind words people posted for you.

    You know.. it took me a few hours to post this, carefully choosin' the right words and expressions. I'm a very slow and delicate type person.. so I did a lot of editing/deleting/pasting and stuff... to put this together. One time my computer froze and I had to redo it all over.

    Even though I do not know you and we may never meet, I still care about you, your health and your life, well... enough that, I poured 5 hours of my life into this for you,(and I'm glad I did) and so did many other people.

    There're people who care about you and your well-being. And there's someone out there just for you. Everyone's entitled to it. Someday.. somehow we'll find him/her. It's destiny.

    Continue to read good quotes on the web, like

    'happiness is something you decide ahead of time.'(hard to believe but true)

    It's true our perspective and the way we look at life evolve over time through many self-discoveries.

    God... my post is so long.. don't have any time to proof-read this.. it's 2:40am now.. I was going to post a new thread about my pathetic life asking for help.. but after doing this.. I'm tired.

    Did this post and everything I said mean anything to you.. or was all this amounted to just babblings of a bewildered 22-year-old boy..???
    I hope not.

    Believe me, miracles do happen to some people. I've seen it. You could be one of them. Go through chemo, join a church prayer group. Eat well and live healthy.. do what you can. I'll pray for you. :)
    Pray not for others. just pray for yourself, faith or no faith. Every day when you wake up, erase one negative thought, and take one day at a time and you'll have a good rest of the day.:biggrin:

    it's 3:19am where I live... I'm drowsy and tired;;; tired of my body and soul.. I'm going to bed and forget it all, but I'll pray for you before I hit the sack..............

    Good night everybody.. I hope someone'll read this post... hopefully.... someone...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2007
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thank you..:hug:

    and i did read it... okay??

    and i guess i lied, cause i posted after posting this,

    sorry, hope i am forgiven???
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2007
  8. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    I am a child damn it.. i am a child of God that is hurting way to much , that has had way too much happen to her , that needs it to stop..

    I added pain when i need not ad anymore.. i cant help anyone here.. i cant even help my own stupid pathic life...

    i am useless

    i am unloved..

    "i can take it.. i have tooken too much already. i am in an emotional wreck right now... yep , go on and laugh at me , its okay cause i will lay down and let you all cast everything you got at me...

    im sorry.. i cant handel it anymore.. i cant handel this pain.. i cant handel the emotional pain. i cant handel the physical pain..

    my family hates me. ( they never once loved me )

    the daltons hate me ( they never called )

    God hates me , ( he allowed me to have this cancer )

    I meant no harm to anyone yet thats what i am doing is hurting others and my heart cant bear anymore.. it just cant.."

    Dove , can I ask you something ? Are you religious...Assuming you are from what I can see .... I am somewhat religious I kinda walked away from it when I was in my teens . I went to a private school and church since I could walk. But to the point.. You are true in saying that we are all children of god. But in my interpretation what you are plannng to do goes against religion and a guarantee of of the peace you claim to be gaining if you were to end it all. Taking your life is a sin.. God gift to us is life and even though our lives are all different in many ways it nevertheless is still his gift given to us. We can't even begin to understand why he has taken us down the paths he has taken us and hopefully one day we get to ask those questions as I am sure many of us want to . But to end our own life is to slap him in the face which I think is horrible. The gift of life we are given is littered with many challenges that we are tasked at overcoming.. It is gods way of challenging us. And believe me I know many are unfair, hard , easy, etc... But he wants us to deal with them and overcome the bad ones... He never promised us that life was going to be fair or even easy. Being that as it may sinners have who not confirmed him as a true savior whether they are baptised or gone through the confirmation process are not guaranteed a spot in heaven ..Those people are to be sent to hell.. which if people were to think that there life was wrought with pain will not even be able to compare what awaits them and it is eternal..

    Now I did read the other guys posts and some of it was tough to except and could easily be looked at as very critical...Some of it does ring true because it is very easy to give up and go into a state self pity and to constantly rehash things because sometimes we truly feel that way and other times we want to see who responds... I know from exp...I think he meant well ... How you live your life defines you.. how do you want to be remembered because like it or not you will be remembered. Especially by those who suffer the same affliction as you.. and also by many others..I know that you are a strong person because you are still here but you have to really believe i yourself.. About 15 years ago I was told by someone that they didn't really like me and didn't want to be around me.. My words to them were " I wasn't put on this earth to be you friend and really if you dont like me so be Main point of this rant is this .. everyone is beautiful in their own way and has a place in this world. I know you deep down don't want to leave until god takes you .. you have made it it to far to have that happen .. please don't go
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not pathetic Dove. Also if this has anything to do with what Soa said then ignore it. Your better then that.
  10. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    misty I want to clear this up a little .. I don't in any way agree with him that she is pathetic..and I also don't agree with how he went about his statement.. I think that he could have done it in a nonoffensive way.. and I hope that mine wasn't taken in that way as well... I have been in on the forums for a while and have a geniune care and concern for dove.. Like I have said in previous posts with her I think she is wonderful and special.. and I would be sad if anything happened.. however I do think that sometimes people need to hear some tough (non offensive) words ..sometimes that helps sometime it doesn't.. I apologize to dove if this was taken in a mean way.. It truly was meant to be that..Dove please post again ..Are you still there..we all need to know...
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    WD if you would only take some of the advice you give others and apply it to yourself. you are far too hard on yourself and are constantly beating yourself up. Try to change that. Not everyone views people in the same light. There will always be those that are understanding and sympathetic towards ones plight, and those that are harsh and uncaring. You need to learn not to take what everyone says so personally. Remember they are opinions. Only opinions of an individual. You and others do not have to agree with the opinions of someone else. Even Christ was ridiculed. He was not viewed in a favorable light by everyone. Rise above those that say hurtful things. You can do it. :hug:
  12. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    Hey hun I know i havn't been on since the whole thing with the sectioned but i just want you to know that your a good friends and alot of people care and wish you luck in the furture. And if you need anything at all you can msn me or you can pm me here and i do my best to help you out so please try to hang on okay hun :hug:
  13. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend

    White Dove, I'm sorry I haven't responded to any of your other threads but I have been reading. I am very relieved you did not go through with it. I see you posting every day, and it's a comfort to me personally because with all that you are going through you are still fighting day by day. Please be strong and stay with us. The negative opinions of one person cannot break a strong spirit.
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