my last post

This is going to be my last post here. I would like an honest opinion on why I shouldn’t kill myself. Basically, I have no reason for getting up in the morning other than to study/work… because I have to. I don’t have any friends, so if I died no one would really notice, aside from my parents (not that I care about them). Heck, nobody even knows my name. I’m also really ugly, so I guess that explains the years of social rejection. This is the way it’s always been for me. God knows I’m never going to get laid.

I hate school. My GPA is sh*t even though I try my best in a major I hate. And what's it all going to lead to? Drudging away in a cubicle for the next 50 years, all day everyday. I can't see myself living like that, but that’s where I’m headed. I don’t think I can do it; the thought is way too depressing, living just to survive. It’s all so futile.

So I’m asking you, why should I just not just expedite the inevitable? Why keep living if I’m always in pain? As far back as I can remember, I’ve never been happy, so why should I expect things to change? People who’ve had far better lives than myself have killed themselves, people that are everything I am not: good looking, popular, talented, rich. Why shouldn’t I?

 

the day before yesterday i would've agreed with you completly, infact perhapps to a small extent i still do, life seems so pointless, so.. i don't even know how to put it. but today i feel pretty good, i've done some things that i enjoy and although if i died in my sleep tonight i'd be ok with that, i have no real desire to end my life, not today anyway, i'm not paticulaarly looking forward to tomorrow but there are probably gonna be a couple of things that might be good, and a lot of stuff i just don't know yet ans would be interested in finding out. and at the end of the day if its bad i've lost nothing, its not like i won't be able to kill myself tomorrow if i want to.


so i guess my point is that your entire outlook on life can change very quickly and the one you have currently, then one i have a lot, is almost certainly caused by a sickness, and while it can be a lot of hard work to treat that sickness, it can be done, and then maybe you'll be glad you didn't die.

that said if you don't believe in any kind of after life then its not like you're going to have any regrets, but well why not just see how you feel tomorrow, or the next day. just maybe.

 

"I’ve never been happy, so why should I expect things to change?".
- Things won't change if you don't change them.

"Living just to survive. It’s all so futile"
- So don't live just to survive.

I do a shit job, I'm ugly, I've got no friends, I'll die a virgin. But do I give a damn? No. Because there's far more to life than that. I tried to kill myself when I was younger, I failed, and I'm glad I did, because there were things I hadn't done, I hadn't heard Beethoven's 9th symphony, I hadn't seen Monet's water lillies, I hadn't been to Prague or learnt to play the guitar.

These things matter to me and they won't matter to you. But different things will matter to you, you just need to find what they are. Don't live to survive, live to discover those things that bring joy and meaning to your life. You won't find happiness unless you look for it.

 

My heart aches for you as I'm reading your post. You echo so many of the thoughts which have made my life so miserable at times. Yet, I have somehow managed to keep myself alive through all the sunless days and black nights.

Why?

I fervently believe that it's because I have an unfulfilled purpose in this life. I obviously don't yet know what it is; perhaps I never shall. I'm not saying that one day I won't finally succumb to the constant self-imposed pressure to end my life, but up to now the desire to find and carry out my role in the larger scheme has been enough to keep me slogging through every emotional storm.

Lebigmac, I hope that you can find something within yourself that will allow you to sustain your existence as well. For whatever it's worth, know that there are people out in the world who share pain amazingly similar to (or even worse than) yours and that we usually find something to keep us going.

Whatever your decision, I wish you peace and grace.

 

hi ..

reall sorry to hear u r in so much pain..life can be hurtful and at time seem pointless.. do you think you can alter your life to lead in a direction that would bring u some joy... maybe u can rething the course u r taking in school and in life.... u r young.. and there is a chance that if you get happier with yourself .. and your life.. and where life is taking you.... others may see you in a different light.......

 

I really appreciate all your responses... very uplifting. It reminds that there is indeed some good in this world. At the same time, I know I can't expect any of you to understand my situation completely. I truly don't believe I'm choosing to feel depressed/suicidal, but rather these feelings have been caused by external factors I have no control over. I've always tried to do the right thing in every facet of my life: study hard, exercise, eat healthy, groom well, be polite, never cave in to peer pressure, ignore bullies, and avoid any kind of drug. Still, nothing seems to work out in my favour. Here I am, a socially inept 19 year old with absolutely nothing going for me and no one who cares, even after all my efforts. I've been kicked so often while down that at this point I'm dejected beyond description, nothing more than the end result of a lifetime of rejection and abuse. What's further crushing is being surrounded by so many normal, happy people who do all things someone my age is supposed to. If I could trade lives with somebody, anybody, I would do it. That's just how feel and nothing will change that. Thank you again. Best of luck to everyone in their struggles.

 

school seems to be the root of most of ppl's problems on this site, something should be done to change the schools. i dun have any real ideas on how to change them so i just suggest dropping out