I really don't know where to post this, or what to say, so i'm sorry where this makes no sense. First, i have to say that i lied to everyone. Or, at least did not tell the whole truth. Right now i feel like i am betraying everyone each time i speak, so i want to try and rectify this. Firstly... i lied when i made the vow not to commit suicide... I thought that if i spoke strongly enough, that if i tried hard enough to force myself to be that strong, that it would work, but... it didn't, not truly. I've been stronger than i had been because of it, but... i don't know how much of that was me. I'll explain as i go. And secondly, i lied when i said i was leaving... self harm was not the only reason i took the time out. I realised that i was being selfish in who i was, and how i was dealing with things, and that... well that i was using others, i guess, as an alternative to being able to deal with these feelings myself. When i pledged not to commit suicide... well, it was the right thing to do, but... i guess i used others as a tool to stop me. It wasn't my own strength, but knowing that i had made that vow, and others had seen it, that it was not only betraying myself, but betraying others if i did so. I didn't have words for it though, how to explain quite how my mind worked with this, until yesterday... but when i realised what i was doing, i... well i reacted badly, hence my diary entry for yesterday. I just want to explain myself now, i guess. I think i'm addicted to... well, i'm not sure quite what it is. Love or affection or something... I didn't think of it in those terms until yesterday, but the feelings i get seem to match with addiction. Feeling a need, instead of just a want, for such things, the bad reaction when i don't get my "fix" as it were. Its hard to explain, its not attention as such, but i guess it could come across as attention seeking. But its more... emotional connection and validation or something, i'm really not sure... i really don't know how to describe it, but seeing it as an addiction makes it easier to see how i react. The one thing i will say is that i never lied to try and get this feeling, and i've never tried to talk to people simply for this reason. But... its really hard for me to say how much this might have coloured how i am with people. When i wrote the post that i was leaving for a time, it was after i recognised that... well that i was being selfish, that i was seeking whatever that feeling is, and using it as a crutch to stop me from being suicidal, seeking to use that to blank out those feelings... which is wrong, so... i decided i had to distance myself from people, withdrawal as it were, to stop that reliance... and i used self harm then as a control mechanism, as an alternative to it, so i could try to at least not be suicidal in that time. Trying to overwrite the emotional rush i got from those feelings, with the physical rush i get from self harming. It didn't work as well as i would have liked, and... well last night i ended up trying to suffocate myself. Which is why i am posting in crisis, though i wasn't sure where this would fit. I came back now because honestly, more than anything, i want to stay alive. But i can't in good conscience keep stimulating the addiction as a way of stopping this, and self harm, while dulling things, failed me too. So any choice i make is a bad one, but... i don't want anything of me to be based on lies. So far i've managed to avoid that mostly. But now i'm at a point where no action i take can be a healthy one. The best i can come up with is to try and detach myself completely from my emotions, dull everything as much as i can, to stop the addiction, and then self harm where i need that control over my suicidal feelings. I guess i'm just not sure if this is the best thing for me to do. And finally, i want to say i'm sorry, to everyone, for being like this. I'm sorry if anyone feels betrayed, or feels that i am a bad person.